Ray Hudson Just Had Himself a Messigasm

Messi scored a wonder goal in El Clasico and Ray Hudson FREAKED. OUT.

Lionel Messi is very good at soccer. On Sunday Messi scored on the final kick of the biggest match of the season featuring the two biggest clubs in the world, Barcelona and Real Madrid — El Clasico. The goal sent fans into a tizzy, punctuated with Messi holding up his jersey to the opposing crowd so they exactly knew who had just snatched the championship trophy away.

But no one in the world reacted quite like Bein Sports commentator Ray Hudson. Hudson erupted with a 102-second Messigasm that may have even outdone the goal itself. Take a listen.

Holy cow.

We’re gonna need to break that down, one sentence at a time.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRAGARRAGGAAAAAAAHH!!!!!!!!

Oh, it’s ON.

AGAIN THE MEDICINE MAN ARRIVES AND SINKS HIS FLAMING SPEAR INTO THE HEARTS OF REAL MADRID!!

The metaphors have begun. Lionel Messi is Sean Connery in Medicine Man, a pony-tailed white dude in the Amazon rain forest (just like Messi!!) who “turned his back on civilization, only to discover he had the power to save it.”

Sean Connery is trying to cure cancer, but Lionel Messi is out here throwing a flaming spear right into cancer’s face. Messi 1, Cancer 0.

ASTONISHING FROM MESSI, BEAUTIFUL COUNTER ATTACK! ALL THE PIECES FALLING INTO PLACE!

This is Cristiano Ronaldo. Ronaldo is the second best player in the known universe. In any other era, in any other multiverse, he would be the greatest football player alive and worshiped properly as the sporting deity he deigns himself to be. Instead he’s left throwing his hands up in disgust and looking for nine other players to blame for the pain he is now feeling.

All the pieces falling into place, indeed.

MESSI, BORN IN THE CROSSFIRE HURRICANE AND HE IS JUMPIN’ JACK FLASH RIGHT HERE!

If you were born in the ’80s, you remember Crossfire as something akin to Hungry Hungry Hippos on crack cocaine as you fired little metal pellets as fast as you could at the little spinny throwing star thingy AND MESSI WAS BORN RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF ALL THAT.

Now imagine playing Crossfire in a hurricane.

Now imagine playing Crossfire in a hurricane with the Rolling Stones because that’s what Ray Hudson is talking about here for some reason, that and the first massive Stones single, Jumpin’ Jack Flash.

This was not Messi’s first goal. It was, in fact, his five hundredth career goal for Barcelona. For those of you counting at home, that’s a lot of goals. Somehow, this one feels particularly memorable.

AMAZING FOOTBALL, THE DEFENDERS ARE LEFT WITH BEES FLYIN’ AROUND ‘EM!

Well no wonder they didn’t defend properly!! How good do you think you’d be at soccer or life if you had to play with this helmet on?

Wait, was Ray Hudson saying Real Madrid played defense so poorly they just let Borussia Dortmund score on them? That’s so mean!!

AND HE CARED NOT ABOUT THE YELLOW CARD!

Turns out the NFL isn’t the only No Fun League.

Look, the ref is just doing his job. He has to give a yellow card for a player removing his jersey in game. But Messi is just doing his job too, and he cares not about this petty yellow card. You get the sense Ray Hudson didn’t care much for this yellow card either.

MESSI, YOU COULD DROP A TARANTULA INTO HIS SHORTS AND HE’LL STILL BE COOL!

This is a Huntsman spider crawling up your arm.

Now it’s on your face.

Not great, Bob.

Now it’s in your shorts.

How you feeling right now? You feel like going out and scoring a couple season-saving goals?

Didn’t think so.

But Messi? He cool.

DEMONIC SKILL FROM SERGI, PICKS THE RIGHT PASS OUT OF HIS POCKET, GOMES LEAVES IT BACK, JORDI ALBA SELLS IT, MESSI CATAPULTS IT HOME!!

HEY REAL MADRID THIS IS THE LAST PLAY OF THE MATCH MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE A JERSEY OR THREE ON THIS GUY THE INCARNATE SOCCER JESUS THE ONE THAT’S COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY UNMARKED A SPLIT SECOND BEFORE THE FINAL PASS OF THE GAME.

AND AGAIN, IF HE’S SHOWN A RORSCHACH BLOT HE’D SEE GOALS ALL DAY!

I see a crab with creepy hands, a demon clown wearing a bubble suit, and a headless grizzly bear sitting down sadly because he just got the worst bikini wax in the world.

Messi? He just sees a hat trick. That’s not even fair.

INDECENTLY MAJESTIC FOOTBALL IN THE END TO PULL THIS OUT OF THE FIRE!

MESSI, THE NERVE OF THE CAT BURGLAR AND COOL AS THE SEEDS INSIDE THE CUCUMBER!

Go pick up a cucumber. Notice how cool the cucumber is. Now put the cucumber in your freezer and leave it there for two days. You’re back? Good. Slice open the cucumber. Now pick up one of those cucumber seeds.

Do you notice how cool those cucumber seeds are?

While you were touching cold cucumber seeds, Lionel Messi came into your house, stole your 60-inch flat screen and your best cutlery, scored 17 goals against you in FIFA, scored against Real Madrid again from your basement, and walked out in plain sight.

And you just stood there the whole time holding onto a frozen cucumber like a buffoon. This is what Messi does.

KEYLAR AS ALWAYS EXTENDS HIMSELF.

Keylar Navas is the Real Madrid goalie. He was present in the play, at least in theory, and that is apparently worth acknowledging. These guys were also present. And a lot of bloody good it did them.

LOOK AT HOW DEEP THIS IS, SERGI ROBERTO FULL SPACE LIKE THAT STAR TREK SHIP AND HE HITS WARP SPEED, WONDERFUL CUTBACK, JORDI ALBA SEES MESSI…… (trails off, out of breath)

Finally, mercifully after almost a full minute and a half, Ray Hudson begins to run out of steam.

Once Messi scored a goal so magisterial the commentator burst forth into a song of praise, “Thank you Lionel! Thank you God! Thank you God for letting me watch this! Thank you God for having Lionel Messi be a football player!!”

(finally breathes)… UGGHGGGGHHH…. (other guy talks again)…

I’m just gonna let you imagine the GIF here. If you need some help, I found this Ray Hudson soundboard that is sure to entertain.

AND THIS GOAL A GOAL THAT’LL GIVE BARCELONA FANS AN AROUSAL THAT’LL LAST FOR MORE THAN FOUR MINUTES, SO YOU BETTER CALL YOUR PHYSICIAN!

Alright, then.

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