What’s the Best Nickname in the NBA? Round One Picks
Serge and Brandon break down the #NBANicknameMadness bracket first round…
It’s March, and that means we do brackets. Most of the NBA these days is filled with one-and-dones or guys that didn’t even make the NCAA tournament (looking at you, Ben Simmons and Markelle Fultz) so they missed out on most of the March Madness fun. It’s time to give them their shot.
What current NBA player has the best nickname? We took 64 of the best monikers, put them into a massive bracket, and sent it off to Twitter polls before remembering the American people don’t know how to choose winners properly anymore. No, what we needed here was a pair of NBA slash pop culture experts to break this thing down.
Enter serge and Brandon. Round one of the voting madness just concluded, but the REAL round one results are right below…
SUPERSTAR REGION
Serge
First and foremost, how dare you put Boogie vs Greek Freak and have me pick a favorite son in the first round? I refuse to vote on this matchup.
If we did this ten years ago before LeBron single-handedly annexed Cleveland into a separate royal territory I might have argued, but King James is fitting because he has conquered and destroyed everything he could. He’s also supremely petty on a level available only to Russell Westbrook.
Secondly, I get Superman, but if it’s Dwight as Superman I can’t endorse that, same way I can’t endorse people who don’t like pineapple on pizza or Drake stealing an entire verse from Rappin 4-Tay on “Who Do You Love” (look it up). Also Vinsanity is the best way to capture a man who can still dunk through his legs in his 40s. I’m 27 and walking up two flights of stairs requires a break that includes either water or a high-electrolyte content beverage. That’s VINSANE!
Brandon
Jimmy Gets Buckets is miles better when Stacey King is yelling it but I’ll still give King James the win.
This whole 4/5 region feels overrated. Is Uncle Drew still a thing? I mean, I know they’re making a movie, but they’re also making a seven-part Power Rangers series so I’m not sure that really tells us much. The Uncle Drew thing was cute for a couple commercials like four years ago but I’m over it.
Was Chef Curry ever a thing? It’s like the Curryest nickname possible. It’s just trying way too hard to be cool. I’m all for retiring these nicknames and moving Kyrie and Steph over to Ankletaker and Baby Faced Assassin. But working with what we got here, I got Brow and Unicorn into the next round.
Serge
I’m sorry Paul Pierce, I really am, but I can’t not give this to The Process. Not only is it self-anointed, it takes on the hate of like the entire city, nation, state, whatever. Joel put Hinkie on his back and if he tattoos “The Process” across his back I want there to be a live stream of the whole… process (sue me, there is no better word for it).
I do have to pour one one for The Truth because this was the toughest matchup. Both men live and embody their nicknames. Paul Pierce literally went “Imma post a screenshot of this emoji cuz I don’t know how to use a phone and who cares I’m just out here speaking the truth” and was then seen with two phones at the All-Star Game so he could fact check the first one with the second because it’s the TRUTH.
I’m still avoiding Boogie vs Greek Freak, so I’m going let you be the one who angers the gods and go with The Beard here. James Harden has grown on me and he’s built his facial hair brand from Day One. That requires dedication. It’s like he entered the league and inside his head kept saying “They’re GOING to call me The Beard” and now here we are. I like Isaiah Thomas, but like all things created by Boston sports fans, the nickname is trash. You’re four years too late to the Game of Thrones party. We The North already happened. Also I feel like we can only have one King for it to be true.
Brandon
Yeah, I’m not in on King in the Fourth or King of the Fourth or any other contrived Thrones crap. The Beard is the essence of James Harden. I honestly can’t imagine a clean-shaven Harden — I assume he’d lose his MVP powers like that slippy, slappy Samsonite. I can imagine the Celtics without IT in the 4th quarter. I imagine them winning a lot more because they can actually play D.
I’m going with Greek Freak over Boogie and I’ll tell you why. One, think how many times you’ll save yourself from spelling out Giannis Antetokounmpo over the next 15 years by typing Greek Freak instead. It’s in the thousands. And two, he’s facing Boogie, not BOOGIE!! Boogie can be anything any given day. Boogie can get ejected. Boogie can get traded or tweet out snakes in the grass. BOOGIE!! puts up 50/20s and wins titles and eats your children. He’s bigger than any nickname bracket. But this is just Boogie, so Freak takes it.
All right, vote DWade off the island so we can kill off this region.
Serge
I mean really, it’s the only choice. Wade is a geriatric at this point so the nickname is pretty much done. I could see something like Old Man River… I don’t know. The real conspiracy here is how Flash got seeded number 2. That’s some NCAA committee level oversight. Stifle Tower takes it.
Also, I’m pouring one out for BOOGIE!! and regretting that my alternative Giannis nickname “The Byproduct of Human Genome and Experimentation off the Coast of Greece” is not going to stick.
INTERNATIONAL FLAIR REGION
Brandon
I’ll start out with the easy 6 seed victory for Air Congo. I’m pretty sure Ibaka has enough siblings to actually fill the country of Congo or maybe both Congos if you count in-laws. Pau is probably more concerned with finding an actual meal ticket at this point of his career than being called one.
Serge
I’m going straight for Outback Jesus because you ran a Twitter poll that voted him out and I’m legitimately willing to fight everyone who voted against it one-on-one. It’s what Delly would have wanted. He basically saved Cleveland from a blowout series when they lost Finals by playing his best ball-hounding dingo-style basketball and decking Curry at least once with his shoulder.
Brandon
100% agree on Outback Jesus. I despise Delly almost as much as I hate Kirk Hinrich, but that’s a genius nickname.
Polish Hammer reminds me of when Michelle Beadle tried to make LeBron the Akron Hammer and I got my tweet on ESPN seven years ago and made her totally lose her train of thought as she giggled at my My Little Pony propic. I always read Polish as polish, like nail polish. It’s just too hard. Zublocka slash Zu Alcindor slash Zutopia gets the W.
Serge
I knew you had to bring my man Captain Kirk into this and just for that I’m making him my honorary pick for every single thing. I used to salute the TV every time he scored.
I really hate Maple Jordan because that feels like we’re insulting Michael Jordan a little too much and Wiggins is the best we have to offer, and that makes me sad. On the other hand, I’ve never heard of anyone refer to Saric as the Homie. Although he always has the hook-ups and he looks like the guy who’s always around when you need advice or have free weed. He really is The Homie. I’m going with Saric here, risking my citizenship and everything.
Brandon
Listen we have a Canadian and a Wolves fan here and we both agree Maple Jordan is too much. Epic nickname potential if you’re actually awesome, but when you’re not even a top three guy in your own draft, you can’t have a Jordan nickname.
Am I crazy here, or do the 15 and 16 seeds both have a good shot at the upset? The Kiwi Phenom is just a fun name, even if it doesn’t fit Steven Adams super well since he probably crushes kiwis between his little toes for fun. And Don’t Google is just too perfect. I mean seriously, have you ever Googled Fournier? DON’T. GOOGLE.
Serge
Which brings us to The Bosnian Bear. Are we sure he actually isn’t a real bear? What’s the DNA sampling procedure on that one? Looking at Nurkic’s father, it’s not entirely out of the realm of possibility that some sort of cross-species experimentation took place there. He has to win that one. He just has to.
Also, there is only one prince, and unless you rewrite Purple Reign. I’m out.
Brandon
Listen, I was going to concede your Bosnian Bear but I just can’t.
Luc Richard Mbah a Moute is an actual Cameroonian prince. No DNA sampling needed. And furthermore, and much more importantly, The Prince helped discover your boy Joel Embiid. That’s right, Luc Richard Mbah a Moute literally started The Process. Now you tell me, are you SURE you’re voting for the Bear? This one’s your call, and so is the Big Spain / Rooster showdown because I literally couldn’t care less.
Serge
Bosnian Bear, because if we vote anything else his father might be at our door next week.
Can we flip a coin for Big Spain and Rooster? I feel like… Who cares really? Whoever wins is going to lose in the next round regardless so I don’t see a point of prolonging the agony. I’ll go with Rooster because it’s more ridiculous and to be fair, Spain isn’t that big. Like it’s average by European standards. That’s the laziest nickname ever. Where is he from? Oh Spain. And he’s kind of big. Let’s go. At least Ibaka’s makes sense.
ACCURATE ENOUGH REGION
Brandon
I’m coming in hot: Linsanity is a copyright violation and an outrage as a 1 seed. I’m fine describing that three-week Knicks period as Linsanity. We didn’t have any “-sanity” eras yet. But we already have Vinsanity and no truly great nickname can be a ripoff of another. Besides I have to look up Arron Afflalo every time before I type it, so I’m going with Spell Check on the 16/1 upset.
Serge
Man, there are so many amazing nicknames here and having to remove either The Grindfather or Iso Joe kills me, in one case literally if I remove The Grindfather. The problem is I enjoy yelling Iso Joe at the TV way too much to let it lose in the first round. I’m also a huge fan of the subplot where Joe keeps acting surprised as to why people call him that. He has to win.
I’m also easily giving this one to Threezus. The whole 7 seed seems like a conspiracy because Threezus is the swaggiest nickname for the most non-swaggy looking dude in the league. It’s like if we called pre-tattoo J.J. Redick the Godfather of Flow or something. It’s just so perfect. You go, Threezus.
Brandon
Speaking of swag, I think Swaggy P speaks for itself. It’s hilarious that 50 Cent plays for Indianapolis but he still can’t beat the Swag.
I can scarce think of two more accurate nicknames than Slo Mo and Manimal, but only one of those strikes fear into my very core. Manimal has to move on, both in the bracket and also from somehow being ninth on the Nuggets in minutes per game despite the fact that he’s a FIBA world champion.
Serge
Man, I really wanted Slo Mo to make it, mostly because of how Pop leans into it himself. He cherishes that nickname.
I’m going with Born Ready because Mo hasn’t consistently gotten buckets in years and then he got supplanted on his own team by a guy who made a whole Pepsi series out of getting buckets dressed as an old man. If that wasn’t a subliminal at Mo, I don’t know what is. Although that would be a very intricate set up for someone who thinks the Earth is flat.
I think Monta’s nickname should be “Do It All” but at the same time Mississippi Bullet sounds like a Goddamn Johnny Cash Song and I’m giving it to him just off the strength of that alone. I also just don’t think anyone is scared of Evan Turner enough to be the Villain, unless it’s his own team.
Brandon
I think only Mark Titus is afraid of Evan Turner.
I guess that leaves Switchblade and Airplane Mode. Derrick Jones was a lot of dunk contest hype but ended up being the kind of “Airplane Mode” like where you put away your phone sadly so it doesn’t keep searching for wi-fi that isn’t there and totally kill the battery. Have to go with Ariza, even if he makes my fingers want to type Arizona every dang time.
LOL WUT REGION
Brandon
I know what you’re thinking, and I promise I didn’t rig the system to get the 5/12 double panda matchup. Bradley Beal is awesome but has a bland name so he does need a nickname… I just don’t think Big Panda is it. When the 99% in China get upset about the ugly corporate treatment of endangered animals, THAT’s Big Panda. Brad isn’t Big Panda just because he eats a lot. No. We’re going to have to try harder. I’m taking The Panda’s Friend.
Serge
I’m pulling a 16 over 1 here because I’ve met Channing Frye and it actually happened at a Korean BBQ buffet. Before that, I used to just eat the rice out of the small, weirdo bowl it was brought to me in, but then I watched him flip that bowl over onto a plate creating a perfectly proportionate pyramid of rice. I’ve never looked at rice at the buffet the same again. Also, I hate Chris Anderson for that time I had to watch him jump 50 times.
Brandon
I thought you only meet people over kombucha? Birdman makes me proud to be an Anderson but Buffet of Goodness is just too good.
Okay I’m heading to the bottom of the bracket because two of these names make me laugh every single time. I have no idea why Brandon Jennings is The Pterodactyl other than the fact that his game has been extinct for like his last five teams already. Frank the Tank ruined two straight March Madnesses for me so this is my revenge. Imma vote down Kris Jenkins and Luke Maye someday too.
I’m annoyed Waiters Island wasn’t an official entrant because it’s not on Basketball Reference, but how perfect is it that Waiters demanded his Syracuse teammates call him Kobe Wade as a college sixth man? The man is made of molten confidence.
Serge
I’m all in on Kobe Wade. I hope he adds Kobe Wade LeBron before retirement.
I’m going to continue being the Canadian ambassador here and quickly vote off Sauce Castillo because I just can’t. It’s just like that time when the Raptors tried to sell Bargnani as the Primo Pasta ambassador and then he was somehow Primo Sauce. Why Castillo? You’re not Hispanic. You look like your name is Chad and you hit on girls even after they say “no.” Also, just try and say “Papi” without your voice getting all Hispanic and seductive. I dare you. Wave Papi in a landslide.
I will vote Andrew Nicholson as the only Canadian here because I don’t get The Hobbit. I just don’t understand weirdo pop culture references that have nothing to do with absolutely anything in any sense of the world. Also I feel like people who make up their own nicknames are fraudulent in the worst way and are not to be trusted. I will however point out that Drew’s nickname in university was The Professor because of his science major, but YMCA also works, despite the fact that he’s never stepped foot in one growing up.
Brandon
Maybe not but it’s the only place he gets any regular minutes on a court in 2017.
I love the audacity of both The President and The People’s Champ, neither of which is even remotely true. But you have to respect a guy that knowingly takes on the name The President at Virginia, the birthplace of Presidents, home of Jameses Madison and Monroe, George Washington, and Brogdon’s great great great great grandfather Thomas Jefferson. I bet those guys would’ve made at least one Final Four though.
Serge
Can no one win this last matchup? Like I really don’t want anyone to win this. Simba is the true heir to the Jungle and how dare you Justin Anderson?! HOW DARE YOU! Lion King has been around longer than you’ve been alive and I kind of hate it. By that logic I have to go with Big Penguin, even though I don’t like it. If Andre Drummond wanted to show his love for penguins, he should have went with Happy Feet.
If you enjoyed this, please recommend by clicking the ❤ so others can too. Follow Brandon @wheatonbrando and Serge @Sergetacular for more sports, humor, pop culture, & life musings. Visit Brandon’s writing archives here.
