
Faith and Fear
June 28, 2017
A while back I posted about my “Hope” necklace given to me in a much needed moment from my dear friend
@emma_alena . What’s really amazing is that a few days later, another package arrived in the mail from @hannahwintersand @ariana_babcock . I smiled so big when I opened it and saw another beautiful key they had picked out for me with the word “believe.” They didn’t know I had a key from someone else, nor do they know the friend who sent the first. It was such an incredible coincidence (I’d rather call it divine appointment). Never in my life have I needed these two words more. So thankful to these beautiful friends of mine who pray when I can’t, and who believe and hope with me throughout a very scary process.
I’m learning to be better at both of these words. Being better at them doesn’t mean I can only hope and believe for my baby’s healing — though I can and do — it’s also come to mean that I can hope and believe in Christ’s goodness through it all, even if my pregnancy ends in saying goodbye. Some days believing in God’s goodness is nearly impossible and I find myself wondering, “why me?” Doubt is a very hard and very honest reality I’ve had to face as of late, but I know that God is okay with my fears and my doubts. There is a verse in the Gospel of Mark where a man, asking for healing from Jesus for his child says, “I believe! Help my unbelief!” I cannot tell you what that verse means to me, because you know what happened next? Christ heals the child. The father who asked for healing had imperfect faith. He believed who Christ was and wanted to trust him, but he was a sinner and he had his doubts, just like me, but that did not separate him from Christ’s grace.
This story doesn’t comfort me because I believe that everything will work out just fine and I’ll have a perfect baby, I do not think that is what will happen as much as I yearn for it. But this story comforts me because I know Jesus accepts the tiny pieces of faith and hope and trust that I have left in my heart, even as they’re tinged and soiled with fear and doubt. My faith is enough for Him and I believe he will continue to grow it until I can see His goodness in any circumstance.
