Yep, it’s true. Big fucking deal. More than 2 out of 3 people in this grand land of the United States are fat.
Maybe like me you are also fat. The super scientific* BMI calculator from the US Department of Health & Human Services puts me at 35.
That’s off the scale fat, well into the obese category. There is a 33% chance that you are in the same boat as me.
When I look at myself, I don’t really hate who I see. I don’t see an “obese” man. I live in NYC and can walk quickly for miles without having a heart attack. I have a wonderful lady (who is super hot btw) whom I met while I look this way, and I generally don’t feel that terrible about myself.
About two weeks ago I realized that when sitting on a chair, and bending over to put my shoes on…I couldn’t breathe. This has been happening for quite a while, but I only recently became conscious of it. That’s because becoming fat isn’t like drinking a twelve pack of PBR. You aren’t immediately punished for your poor choices.**
What was really shocking to me was that to compensate for my large gut I had subconsciously created a routine for putting my shoes on:
- Find a hard chair, preferably one with a solid back(1. so no couches or soft cushions that you sink into 2. solid back so you don’t see my ass come out of my pants)
- Take off button down shirt (don’t want creases from smashing it between my legs and gut)
- Expunge all air from lungs
- Bend over and put shoe on while feeling my gut crush my inner organs and lungs
- Straighten up and gasp for air
- Repeat step 3, 4 and 5 for the other shoe
Not being able to breathe was the trigger where I finally realized that my weight is: unhealthy.
So I made a plan to change things.
Fortunately I come from a freak show of a family that spends 90% of it’s time thinking about health, gluten, supplements and super scientific*** remedies for feeling anything less than 100% superhuman.
When I was younger and I just straight trusted everything my family told me; I would do what was called a Purification Program about twice a year. It’s basically a diet of raw veggies and fruits with some protein supplements for 21 days. The first time I did it, I felt like a superhuman. I couldn’t believe how I felt, all from raw veggies and moonbeams!****
The truth was that at the time I was about 24 years old, I smoked a pack of cigarettes a day and hit up the bars with my buddies 6 days a week in NYC.
Anyone who is that young and living that kind of lifestyle that just stops smoking and drinking for a few weeks is going to feel like a superhuman. The whole idea and results of the Purification Program was intoxicating, and I was encouraged by the family unicorn to continue to follow the yellow brick road of alternative medicine thinking.
Some years later I was at work when I pulled out one of these:
A colleague laughed and asked me if I was ready for the retirement home. I gave him the finger and called him the fat piece of shit he is, but it still got me thinking.
“Why am I taking some 40+ ‘supplements’ a day as a 20 something year old in good health?”
This got me questioning a lot of what I believed about health and food.
In any case I stopped doing the purification programs. Some of it because I stopped believing in purification and some of it because I got older, jobs got more stressful, I had less time and Dorito’s sounded better.
Back to how I’m fat.
My plan is to take some of the things that I learned when I believed in the Supreme Being of Kale & a good healthy dose of science to design an eating lifestyle for myself that will make me: not fat.
I’ll share the details of my plan, my progress and how I’m doing it here.
Next up: The Plan.
* BMI has a lot of critics and I think it’s bullshit myself.
** PBR is a poor choice unless you are broke or don’t actually enjoy drinking beer. One can be novel, but twelve? You disgust me.
*** This subject deserves an entirely separate post. Let’s just say there is a lack of scientific thinking with a lot of alternative medicine. Before you start trolling me about this, why don’t you wait to see what I actually think in future posts.
**** Moonbeams really can make you feel superhuman after a serving of psilocybin mushrooms.