Dear, the person reading this
How are you? I hope you’re doing well and if you’re not I hope it gets better (and it will). I’ve missed writing a lot and I hope to give this a shot. Maybe it’ll clear my mind for a bit. I hope you will write too after reading this. If that aligns with your idea of clearing your mind, of course.
Like many, I had made it my mission to bounce back from my everlasting reading slump the moment the clock hits quarantine o’clock. Did that attempt follow through, you may ask? I’m proud to announce I’ve checked out of multiple online bookstores enough to once again feel the embrace of delicately assembled phrases engulfing me like a big fluffy blanket. Though not enough to cure the eternal dread of not reading a book ahead of its upcoming adaptations, it’ll do. For now.
I like to say that its fate that drove my hand to pick up The Silent Patient first. You see, I’m a sucker for psychological thrillers and if there are 2 things that you’ll take with you after reading this, I hope that it’s a contented sigh and a package arriving at your doorstep after looking up the very same book on the internet.
I first came across Alcestis through those pages. An introduction is long overdue, so let’s make her acquaintance. Alcestis, or Alceste if you prefer, is the daughter of Pelias, King of Iolcus. Her story was first written in the Bibliotheca, a collection of Greek myths and heroic legends written by Pseudo-Apollodorus and then popularized in Euripides’s play, Alcestis. Two versions of a tale of the same Princess of Iolcus, though Euripides’s is the better known.
The Silent Patient adopted the play version, making it one of the most striking plot lines of the book. I can only wonder and falsely predict the number of times I looked back and reread my annotated pages that mentioned her. She had shoved her way through those grainy pages and presented herself to my humorously short attention span, grabbed it by its collar and said, “I’m the reason you’re going to read this book in one sitting and later have a profound attachment to it.”
Truth is, I had started writing this in hopes to reconcile with my past feelings and put it to rest. Whether it be anger, sadness or loneliness, I had stared at the wide screen of my laptop with the idea of finishing this with a sense of closure. One that I finally decided to give myself.
Funnily enough, however many times I had convinced myself that a month isn’t a significant amount of time when I decided I needed a break from writing this, I’d never thought I would come back and sit down with the same feelings from my past. Whether it be anger, sadness or loneliness, it had once again paid me a visit. Talk about speaking (or typing) too soon.
Anyway, about Alcestis. Many knew her for the love and sacrifice she made for her husband. King Admetus had appeared before her father with a lion and a boar yoked to a chariot, making him the first man to successfully woo Alcestis and later on marry her. We soon find out that Admetus is condemned to death by the Fates but he was given a way to escape. If he is able to find someone who would die in his place instead, he would be as free and alive as one can be.
Blinded by a grand opportunity, he asked both his mother and father to die in his place. I hope you’re not too surprised when I tell you that they refused. But no worries, this is where things get serious. Alcestis stepped forward and volunteered to die for him. Admetus accepted her offer and she proceeded to die and depart to the Underworld.
Like any other story, we need a hero! Cue Hercules, who then came as her savior and rescued her from Hades, the King of the Underworld, and brought her back to Admetus. Long story short, she came back from the dead. Admetus was joyous of her return. Alcestis doesn’t share his excitement, though. She became silent.
I remembered hesitating to turn the page when I had first read about her. Once I did, I was fully engrossed by the book but Alcestis never really left that tiny little space in my head. That space where you store a bunch of thoughts that would either keep you up at night, squeeze its way into your dreams or eventually forget right away. Alcestis exists in the first category. This isn’t the first time a fictional character has taken over my mind and heart. Some find it embarrassing but I like to call it character study. It makes me feel less strange, finding a being built from the imagination of others so intriguing.
I keep on wondering, ‘why did she stay silent?’, ‘what happened to her?’, ‘did she see something so traumatizing in the Underworld that she became scarred for life?’, ‘was she punishing Admetus for his willingness to let her go?’
At one point, I had my mind set on the last one. She must be extremely upset about his betrayal. She must’ve not expected him to actually accept her as a trade for his life. He had fought for her hand but he was so willing to give her up once faced by death. I had cursed at Admetus, calling him foolish and worse, “Ugh, men.”
Something happened after that, though. Something happened that changed that thought. I had looked back and reread some of the pages. He’s still human, of course he feared for his death. To have no one, even his parents, to take his place must have been conflicting. On one hand, he must be ashamed and angry that his parents who he thought had cared for him wouldn’t save him from the hands of Hades. On the other hand, he must’ve felt guilty for asking them in the first place.
This became a cycle. I would pick apart all of my theories about her silence. Every time I decided on one, there would be a flaw in it that I can’t seem to shake off. The possibilities were endless and the one correct thing that I had settled upon is: Alcestis’s silence is for everyone to decipher. She does not belong to me and solely me. She belongs to everyone; she belongs to you too. Everyone, from every perspective can align her silence to theirs. At least once in their lifetime, everyone has gone silent.
My silence came to me at the very beginning of most coming-of-age movie plots. Fresh off of middle school with that humorously naive mindset of finally finding my place in high school, whether that be the student body or something as simple as a club. New peers, new surroundings, new everything! What a dream.
The worst thing about it was that I had understood the romanticization of high school itself and that I myself had lowered my own standards for it. What I didn’t expect was how low I had to drop the bar. Never once in my life would I ever thought of experiencing such barbaric behavior, coming from those whom I was supposed to look up to, those I thought would share their own experiences with their new juniors. Never once in my life would I ever thought that my peers who I had brought together and introduced to one another would betray me and curse my name behind my back. How foolish of me.
At that moment, I couldn’t remember a time where I had been happy. Looking back, I couldn’t remember a moment where I could actually wake up without wanting to cry. A shattered vision of what I wanted the next three years of my life to be was all that was left of me.
Now that I had thought of it, that was actually the first time I had met Alcestis, long before I found out about her. I felt the absolute need to be silent. To remain hidden, to be unseen, to survive. She had come to me in the form of a reflex to keep my head down or look away from every eye that landed on me. She had come to me in the form of moving to the back of the class and wishing that no one would spare me a glance. She came with the silence.
Alcestis and I parted ways as the pandemic hit. I had picked up the dainty fragments of what was left and patched myself up good. I had more conversations about those times with my mother. She saw me go from wailing and bawling to casually mentioning those times like they were ages ago. Alcestis left me in good hands.
Thinking back seems easier compared to right now, when I’m still unable to pinpoint why exactly Alcestis decided to come back into my life. I even think that she might leave a piece of her with me this time. After a while, I realized I had slowly shifted into a jar of stories. Those dearest to me would stop by and scream, write or sob and I’ll keep it with me. Some of their stories remind me of those days where I held hands with Alcestis through the hallways. These stories leave me in silence. I think this is where she trusted a fraction of her to me. This time, my silence didn’t only center around my life and what I was going through. My silence embraced their stories too.
Like I said, Alcestis belongs to everyone and she belongs to you too. I had found comfort in the silence she bestowed upon me and I hope one day you will find warmth within it too.
Isn’t it pretty to think that all along in those moments of silence you weren’t alone? And that’s what you’re going to remind yourself from now on. Would it be in the depths of numbness or something as ‘simple’ as a single teardrop on your pillow at night, you can know for a fact there are at least three souls holding onto that silence too.
You, me and Alcestis.
All the love,
From a Woman Who Wept in Silence
