On internal motivation and avoidance

Emily White
Aug 25, 2017 · 2 min read

Last night J and I drove out to Stone Mountain Arts Center to see The Secret Sisters. I actually hadn’t heard a lot of their music, but seeing musicians live is my favorite way to discover them. In addition, SMAC is a really lovely place to see a concert. Except when you arrive 15 minutes before showtime and end up at a high-top table in the back. Then, if you’re me, you end up squirming and shifting for the full 90-minute concert because your hips, butt, back, feet, etc. are perpetually uncomfortable. I knew there was a reason seeing Brandi Carlile at SMAC was less than optimal. The venue opens three hours prior to shows and it draws an older crowd that tends to arrive early. They serve full dinner and have a nice bar. We opted to skip dinner and drinks, mainly because it was a Thursday night and we didn’t plan ahead for work obligations or dog care.

The concert was pretty good, but I don’t have much to say that isn’t completely generic. J and I were both tired and she had to get up early to pack for a trip, so all in all, it probably wasn’t a wise move.

Sometimes I think I like the idea of a full life more than I actually like living it. It’s certainly not always true that seeking out interesting experiences doesn’t pay off, but sometimes it’s more that I want to be the kind of person that goes to SMAC on a Thursday night than it is wanting to do it. Or maybe I only feel that way after an experience that I can only describe as “meh,” but would regret having missed a potentially great event (FOMO!).

One thing is for sure: I love looking at our shared household calendar and seeing all of the things we have coming up at any given time. And I have long said that anticipation is often just as good, if not better than the thing I’m anticipating. Although, that theory was kind of blown earlier this year when, for the first time, I had a vacation that was better than the pre-conceived idea I had of it.

I guess I’ve spent a lot of my life living with the goal of appearing a certain way, even if only to myself. I want to be able to think of myself as someone who is interesting, intelligent, <insert desired trait of the moment here>. When I was young, I wanted others to think of me as cool, fun, likable. I try not to do this, but it’s hard to identify it sometimes.

I think this, along with many of the other things I try to work on, requires being more present in the current moment. I can do this well with others, but not with myself. I’m always reaching for my phone, or finding something to listen to, or soothing myself with unhealthy food. Not avoiding things is tough. And tiring. And makes me want to go watch TV while playing a game on my phone.

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    Emily White

    Written by

    Feminist, fat, queer nerd, partner, dog person, foster parent, Mainer, global health professional