Studygramming and the art of giving up

The central dilemma of student life is how to identify what stops you from doing what you should be doing.

Each of us has different answers — laziness, inaptitude, lack of interest, economic stress, family responsibilities. We face unique internal demons and it’s cowardice not to try to acquaint ourselves with them . We fear them since we don’t have the balls to look them straight on the eye.

I tried writing a journal when I was young. (I’m still young by the way).

It didn’t turn out to the great work of literature I hoped it would be (read : the next 'diary of Anne Frank’).

But that’s precisely the issue - Literary aspirations without any inner substance.

Descriptions of the day would transform into rants of all the people I hated. An effort to 'be positive' would metamorphose into grandiose delusions of future achievement. Sentimental Prose would dovetail into confessional poems — Sylvia Plathian diction and Anne Sextonian vocabulary.

Sometime later I began a ‘studygram' — the concept was attractive : use a social media platform, known to induce a syndrome of comparing the highlight reels of strangers to the humdrum bass-line of your pathetic existence, for your academic betterment.

Guess what. It flopped. Just like the diarist inside me.

Why didn’t it work out?

• I craved attention like dope I aspired not just to top my exams but also to have a bunch of people sing my name as I lifted my trophy.
• Likes were the validation I thought would fulfill me. I’d furiously keep checking for those little hearts.
• I did my research. I followed all the tips by the top 'social media advisors’. Poor execution? I don’t know. But it didn’t work for me.
• I couldn’t meet my own stratospheric expectations. Deadlines and challenges and rewards abounded. Frustration and anger and a sense of isolation were bitter.
• I was awed by the competition — and almost everyone seemed to study than I ever could. Instagram stories were filled with their success stories. Graphs of study hours showed consistent peaks. Numerous hours of revision and problem solving. Gosh, did they live on venus? (A day in venus has 5832 hours — I googled that and I admit I’m not smart enough to remember such hairsplitting astronomy.)
• Most of the studygrams I followed didn’t seem honest about their flaws. I’m not judging them but perhaps I would have empathised if I saw someone failures once in a while. I felt like I was the only one who couldn’t cope. (I’m positive studygrams like that exist, but somehow they never figured in my feed that often.)

There were pros to studygramming too. But that’s a different story. And it’s rather too personal (wink wink).

I realised Instagram STOPPED me from studying more than it helped me to learn. So I quit. I deleted my account.

Shocking truth — I’m back on Instagram. This time more wise, more informed and hopefully more sane.

I’m not a quitter — I will face the brute. I’ve got different priorities this time round.

• I’m not studygramming anymore
• I’m Cajoling the mind to work without whipping it
• Not giving a f*** about my insecurities.

Take home message — this is just a rant. Fingers crossed this time I’ll get a little better at studying, instagramming and little more resilient to nervous breakdowns. Even a tiny improvement is a step in the right direction.

P.S — this is blatant self advertising but follow me on www.instagram.com/whitecoatalways 😎