I DON’T WANNA SAY GOODBYE
I know, it sounds like I will be telling the story about what is really behind of this song however it won’t be exactly 100% that way. I use the name of my song as the name of this article because I will be telling a little story about friendships in my life and I will tell about the person about who it was written but I won’t talk about exactly what happened between us. This article’s about my closest people in the world, it is about real friendship which can become the greatest thing… Also this article could hurt few people, I believe, because I will talk very open about some things that weren’t spoken loud before, but also I know that those people won’t get to this text but even if they would, maybe it is time for them to hear out things at least this way. It is sort of a therapy for me which I need so badly right now but at the same time for some of you it will truly open the eyes wide on the things you never considered previously. As well I realize that many people might disagree with what I will say but I will do that for me not for anyone else, for my belief and experience. I didn’t plan ever to even touch or think of this topic but it is the time to release the past.
Past is one of the most dangerous things in this life. Of course some people find past as the best thing: the greatest memoirs and the flashes of our memories from many years back. However that doesn’t happen so often as we wish. More often our past is filled with pain and suffering, with many things we desire to forget. We all know kind of an epic phrase: ‘’Time heals everything’’ but what if it doesn’t truly heal everything or it just doesn’t heal fully? This is when past becomes dangerous… It affects all of us in a different way but mostly it holds us back, makes us to replay bad moments in our minds over and over again, it doesn’t allow us to step into the future, it destroys us from the inside and finally it traps us in the past and etc. I can say that people who never had this kind of problem are really lucky!!! Any of these things can lead a person to a serious psychological disorder or even physical ailment!
In the intro of this story I will say shortly that I don’t have a family neither parents neither husband nor kids. I will say the same what I sang in the beginning of my song:
Friendship always meant everything to me
The most important thing
But look at you…
The thing is that when you have a happy childhood or you just have great parents, husband or kids then the way you see friendship, for what it really is, might be very different. I am used to that people don’t understand me in general and my point of view too. In these 3 lines of my song you can already imagine what do I think about friendships in general. I know friends and acquaintances are important to everyone however how much really? What do you really think you could do for your true best friend? How far could you go? Would you sacrifice yourself at some point for him/her?
Since I’ve been through too many disappointments and I almost have no close people in my life, I see friendship as a very important thing to me. As I said in the song it is one of the most important things. Many people say ‘’friend’’ but it means zero to them; they can call a friend anyone. They just talk and promise things but when it comes to a real action they just puffffff magically disappear! For me the term ‘’friend’’ means a lot, I value a true friendship the same way I value the most important thing in my life — music. If I say that I am an extrovert but at the same time a terrible introvert it will be really hard to believe but it’s true. I don’t wanna go too deep into this because I would touch the topic I discussed I my article ‘’Loneliness’’ but I will mention just few things:
I can be among a lot of people but I feel alone. Do not mix it, I don’t feel lonely, I am alone! I love to be alone but this is something else. It is a difficult condition when you are going out and you are not trying to get to know anyone cause you think that it is better to have no friends at all than to have this disappointing friendship ever again! Maybe when I was younger I had some more friends because my feelings weren’t spoilt yet by a taste of a bitter betrayal. But for sure for me it always had been this way: it’s better to have one real friend than hundreds of fake ones. Some people think that I take it too serious but who set the line??? Everyone is free to choose what’s the most important for him. I am sure that my point of view was affected by life experience and situation. Now I will tell few things about the person to whom this song is dedicated and about another ex-friend who had a very important role in this. For understandable reasons all of the names will be changed there. With all respect to my all ex friends I wanna say that with the following text I don’t mean to hurt anyone but I intend to say the truth about how I really felt during all those years, when I was swallowing all the offences I had just to be a good friend. I feel that all those feelings during past 15 years have actually never left me and it is destroying me.
Kate is the person to whom I dedicated this song. We were schooling together however she was one year ahead of me. We actually met first when we were 8 and 9; we attended to the same extra dancing classes but we were not too close. After some years we met on the school disco in a little bit unexpected circumstances, but we became the best friends ever since. Again I could be telling millions of stories about us but that’s not the reason I am writing this right now. What really matters is that she became the closest person in the world to me. We were doing everything together, going everywhere together and etc… She was that friend on who I could fully rely and trust with anything no matter what. As I am texting this, I am shedding a tear… I feel the pain of our separation as it was yesterday… And it was in 2008. We definitely had a quit few arguments before as everyone does I guess, as a friend she has betrayed me 2 times in a very serious way however I always forgave everything as I loved her too much!!! We were friends for a very long time… It doesn’t matter anymore what really happened because it was her own decision and I respected it even if I disagreed. The real circumstances of our separation until now are fully unclear even for me as her named reason sounded a bit cloudy; after all those years of wonderful friendship and experiences we had together, she didn’t dare to tell me to my face that she will move forward without me; she just stopped answering me without any explanation from the beginning. Anyhow I don’t want to go too deep into this as it is no longer important. In general I am quit a depressive person, partly because I was born like that and partly because this life made me so. And that moment when I started to get that this is the end, I knew that if I will start analyzing that and I will allow myself to realize THAT FACT, I will break seriously, maybe even with the suicidal thoughts. I knew that I couldn’t allow myself to think and I have to find a solution fast to fix this like this never happened. I know that sounds ridiculous but I was just after a long depression about my first husband’s cheating so I wasn’t super stable. And then I even unconsciously made a movement to solve it. The thing is that by that time I had a very good friend Mona who I knew as well for many years, we were not the best friends however we were really communicating a lot. Besides I had a lot of good acquaintances who I knew for a long time too. And Kate, she was like a real sister, like the closest person to me as when I was 11 my relationship with my parents became irrevocably spoilt.
To be continued. PART II is available already: https://medium.com/@whitemysteriousangel/i-don-t-wanna-say-goodbye-8c8c18d5f65b#.965xhpl4q