I DON’T WANNA SAY GOODBYE
What happened next, I swear to God, I realized only now. I started to communicate with Mona as much as it was possible. Very fast she became my new best friend. I didn’t realize that I wanted to cover that Big Black Hole (that is my another song that is related to this situation only in 30%) in my chest… I needed to put there someone else so I wouldn’t be analyzing what really happened with Mona, but that I understood only many years after — now. We already knew each other with Mona for quit long time so it was easy. Well we were best friends (or at least I thought so) for almost 15 years. Both of those girls were Virgos (by the zodiac sign) and I realized that this sign is not for me to be a friend with. Of course that’s only my though loud as lately I made the same mistake with one more Virgo… There were always some little issues in our friendship with Mona but I didn’t notice them until last 3 years. Actually I was proud of that during those 15 years we had a fight only 2 times and none of them was a real fight. And now I think that it was a mistake. Just few months ago it happened that we finally separated with Mona too. First I thought that I will feel the devastation but what happened next was a real shock to me. Days were running and I was feeling fine about our separation, I even thought that we should have done that really earlier. But depression still came very fast to me only not cause of her but cause of Kate… Since I don’t have right now any friends except only few people who live quit far unfortunately. SO there is no one again to cover that Bog Black Hole… I know all I said sounds cruel but that was for me the only way. Of course after 8 years of our separation with Kate the pain I was feeling was not so strong as it would be if I took that fact in 2008. But the pain is strong anyway. I started to think about her all the time, I was looking at our pictures together, I started to dream her every night. And I am missing her so crazy but I know that we will never ever meet again. I am going through this agony now. The only moment when I allowed emotion to come out, was the time when I wrote I Don’t Wanna Say Goodbye, for her, about us and our love, friendship and farewell… No matter what, it is a bad idea to hide this kind of strong inside of you for many years, because it becomes a ticking bomb and it is just a matter of time when it will explode. The best time is the time when it happened as everything happens for a reason. Otherwise even if you don’t think about that it grows somehow inside of you. Maybe my pain is a bit less but I feel now much more devastated and vulnerable because by that time I was still surrounded by another close people and now I am going through this alone and no one is there for me. The conclusion is that it is a mistake to do the way I did, we have to be brave and face this cruel reality by the time it happens.
Now about another side of the medal; about me and Mona and why I said that we should have separated a long time ago. The thing is that I started analyzing things a lot now, all these years. As I said approx. already 3 years ago I started to notice things that were hurting me. The truth is that it is really hard to be my real friend as I require a lot of attention and devotion, a real friend in my opinion must be ready to help any possible way (of course if he only can) and even to go over himself sometimes, to listen to me and allow me to flow my emotions. Despite all these requirements in return I give my all self!!! I am always ready to help or to do all I can for my true friend! I am the most loyal friend and I can go over myself for him/her. In return my friend can always find a solace in my embrace. Well I didn’t write this topic to put dirt on anyone or complain about how unlucky I am with friendships. Surely we had a lot of good time with her and a lot of awesome moments will remain in my memory forever. However she is not a person who can be a devoted friend, that’s hew personal quality I knew that and I was trying not to think of that. All the years went fine and our friendship was normal. I can’t say that I could rely on her a lot, that’s another painful thing. So I now see things clear and from the beginning there were already issues for me just that I was avoiding to realize them… And that only besides that I am not a sugar either. Things really became screwed after we moved abroad to different countries. Well we didn’t become victims of distance like a majority does. We were still communicating through the network. And there many things in her changed, I don’t know either it is because she got her own family or because she always was like that and I just didn’t see that. Suddenly she became quit cruel in m opinion, well cruel maybe is a too strong word but instead of support words much more and more often I heard really negative things that were hurting me. Of course friends need to say the truth even if it’s painful; this is why it is valuable as no one else will help u with that. But that’s not the case right now. I mean she sounded really rude at some point and even heartless when I had really bad moments and was feeling like a crap. I lost that support and besides she got almost all the time busy with her family, there was no so much space for me in it, I became almost a stranger at least this is the way I felt. I honestly believed until the last moment that we’ll be friends until death. But apparently she got tired of me and my problems too, especially she got tired of my emotions and feelings. And when she said that I suddenly realized that our friendship was dead all this time already and I never wanted to have any friend saying that. And so we separated for a good. I am happy about that. I respect her and she is a nice person but she isn’t meant to be a real friend. I am grateful to her for all these years she suffered cause of my character but I suffered too. If we never fought (as I said I see it now as a mistake) it is because if I wasn’t happy I wasn’t saying that , I was just swallowing it. She would never sacrifice anything for me. Now I am fully alone but it is better this way then to have fake friend. I possibly want too much from a friendship, but otherwise if I a ready to give that much why there cannot be someone else who needs the same? The question is if I will ever meet that person.
Dear reader, I believe you already got tired of me and my story J I normally don’t write that much about my personal story but this topic is one of the most important to me, I needed to share that. And I want you dear reader to analyze your friendships so you don’t repeat my mistakes. You don’t need to doubt your great existing friendships, however if you had some doubts previously the best if you weight everything very well before you’d make any serious decision. Remember that it is very easy to say rubbish and to hurt someone or to make any foolish movement, but sometimes there is no way back after that so what you need to know that friendship is a very fragile things that you must love and raise as a little baby. When you will try to find all advantages and disadvantages of your friendship with someone you need to make a double check for disadvantages. It is simply because if you double check them you will see that some of them are just bad features of the character with which you can live and accept. The thing is you need to remember that we all have some bad features and it is just a question of accepting it or not. Some bad things that are acceptable to me might be totally unacceptable to someone else. So these kind of features should be removed from disadvantages and should be placed into a separate column. And if you feel that this friendship doesn’t serve you at all, you need to think if you are ready to end it. To stop your suffering, especially if your friend is hurting you, you should separate your path. But you have to remember that you need to feel if it is a real tiredness that will not go way or is it just temporal. The line between those two is super thin. I wouldn’t suggest keeping any friendship that makes you much more unhappy than happy but on the other hand if that friendship is true and all these problems are temporal, you surely much fight for your friendship because you might never meet ever again someone like this person. So you need to be careful to make a right decision, but no matter what always fight for your friends until the end. But don’t waste your energy for people who never value it. So I don’t wanna say goodbye to some people but sometimes I have no choice…
My dear reader, I hope that you will pay attention to my words as all these come from my personal experience and fro experience of another people. I hope you have a healthy and great friendship. Peace and love to you. See you soon in my next topic!