I never understood grief until my dog died in a pandemic.

As a psychologist I studied bereavement, grief, and loss in graduate school. I learned about the 5 stages of grief:

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.

During my career I’ve helped many clients work through grief, validating and normalizing their experiences on the grief roller-coaster.

I’ve experienced loss in my life. My grandmother passed away 10 years ago. I was sad and I cried. I miss her still. I thought this was grief.

But I never really knew what grief was until my dog died.

My mother passed away after a strenuous battle against cancer a few years ago. I felt overwhelming relief. I knew this reaction wasn’t what I learned about, it didn’t fit the 5 stages. I told myself what I would tell my clients:

Everyone’s grief experience is different.

Emma, my 13 yr-old Border Collie-Aussie mix, died suddenly in June. I took her to the emergency vet and waited outside with her (because of COVID) for three hours. Under the impression she had an fixable electrolyte issue, the vet told me to go home and get some rest. I got a call the next morning that Emma was declining rapidly, there was not enough time to say goodbye. In shock, I accepted the facts of the situation, I would never see my dog again.

After the initial shock wore off I was heartbroken. I cried uncontrollably. I felt devastated. I couldn’t believe how sad I felt, having never felt grief so intensely in my life.

My dog died and I lost my best friend.

Six weeks later I am still heartbroken. I still burst into tears spontaneously without warning. And I can’t imagine moving on. I feel ashamed that my grief experience is so crushing. Surely I should be over it, I’m a psychologist, right?

When I put my psychologist hat on I tell myself that this is a normal experience of grief. Pet loss is real. The bond between dog and owner is strong and Emma was a part of my family. It’s okay to feel what I feel. I can logically point to the fact that I am just in the depression stage of grief and that I will move through it.

But the reality is that grief feels terrible and shattering.

We are living through a worldwide crisis, in a pandemic with no end in sight. Every single person has experienced some loss during this experience- loss of routine, loss of normalcy, loss of community, loss of loved ones, loss of a sense of safety. Among all this collective loss, my loss seems insignificant. But my dog died and I am heartbroken.

Everyone is experiencing losses in the face of the coronavirus pandemic. Everyone is allowed to experience grief.

Grief doesn’t happen in neatly outlined stages. Grief is messy.

Grief doesn’t have a right or wrong timeline. Grief comes in waves, like the ocean. I am riding the waves, feeling my feelings, and giving myself permission to grieve.

Dr. Whitley Lassen is a licensed psychologist in Colorado with 5 years of teletherapy experience. To learn more about how to cope with grief and loss, visit drlassen.com.