An Open Letter & A Call for True Healing Justice
“Our movements themselves need to be healing or there is no point to them.” — Cara Page
Since November 2019, I have struggled with whether to publicly reflect on my experience at the project formerly known as Healing Justice Podcast (now known as Irresistible Movements).
As a Black, queer woman I have contemplated ways that I could share what happened without tainting the brilliant work of the mostly Black, Brown, disabled, and queer healers and movement workers who have contributed to the project over the last few years. As with most confrontations in my life, I’ve been living with the fear of being painted as “the angry Black woman” — domineering, aggressive, threatening, loud. I feared this even more, knowing that the Irresistible (formerly known as Healing Justice) podcast continues to be (co) led by the same white organizer who caused me harm.
But after the performative allyship shown by Irresistible in the last few weeks, I have found myself consumed by sadness, fear, and yes — anger.
“My response to racism is anger. I have lived with that anger, ignoring it, feeding upon it, learning to use it before it laid my visions to waste, for most of my life. Once I did it in silence, afraid of the weight. My fear of anger taught me nothing. Your fear of that anger will teach you nothing, also.”
— Audre Lorde, On The Uses of Anger, 1981
So, in the spirit of the Black women who raised me and fought tirelessly against the tyrannies of silence, I want to speak my truth plainly.
“We can learn to work and speak when we are afraid in the same way we have learned to work and speak when we are tired. For we have been socialized to respect fear more than our own needs for language and definition, and while we wait in silence for that final luxury of fearlessness, the weight of that silence will choke us.” — Audre Lorde, Sister Outsider
In August 2019, I joined the Healing Justice Podcast (now Irresistible) on contract as the Digital Organizer. In this role I was responsible for running the digital presence in every way — except for the podcast itself (which was managed by the Podcast Producer). On paper, this seemed like a dream role that would allow me to couple my love of storytelling, design, and social media with my (inherently) political identity as a Black queer woman from the South. Given the podcast features, I moved into the project assuming that leadership had a strong anti-racist, disability justice, & healing-centered ethic. I was wrong.
In my three months with the project, I experienced nearly all of the characteristics described in “The Characteristics of White Supremacy Culture from Dismantling Racism: A Workbook for Social Change Groups, by Kenneth Jones and Tema Okun (ChangeWork, 2001). The experience and perpetuation of this culture was damaging because it upheld norms, standards and thinking rooted in white supremacy at the cost of the two women of color contracted to work on the project.
MY STORY:
The instances of anti-Blackness emerged at the onset of my tenure with Healing Justice (Irresistible) on a team-building retreat in upstate New York in August 2019 — starting with an untenable sense of urgency.
Sense of Urgency
A continued sense of urgency that makes it difficult to take time to be inclusive, encourage democratic and/or thoughtful decision-making, to think long-term, to consider consequences
- frequently results in sacrificing potential allies for quick or highly visible results, for example sacrificing interests of communities of color in order to win victories
- for white people (seen as default or norm community) reinforced by funding proposals which promise too much work for too little money and by funders who expect too much for too little.
— THE CHARACTERISTICS OF WHITE SUPREMACY CULTURE from Dismantling Racism: A Workbook for Social Change Groups, by Kenneth Jones and Tema Okun (ChangeWork, 2001)
Each day started in the early morning with minimal breaks. The pace did not allow for generative conversations & leadership’s desire to always move with a sense of urgency was overwhelming. This came to a head when KW confronted us (myself and our podcast producer) about having “side conversations” about task management systems during a brief break in production calendar planning. I pushed back at the assertion that we weren’t present to the conversation. I noted that we had been working with no break since 9am and believed we should be given more space to transition between tasks. It was then that KW noted that she understood there was a “cultural difference” in the ways that “Black people work” that she had always had trouble adjusting to. At this point, I was the only Black person on the team and I was stunned to silence.
Perfectionism
- little appreciation expressed among people for the work that others are doing; appreciation that is expressed usually directed to those who get most of the credit anyway
- more common is to point out either how the person or work is inadequate or even more common, to talk to others about the inadequacies of a person or their work without ever talking directly to them mistakes are seen as personal, i.e. they reflect badly on the person making them as opposed to being seen for what they are — mistakes
- making a mistake is confused with being a mistake, doing wrong with being wrong
- little time, energy, or money put into reflection or identifying lessons learned that can improve practice, in other words little or no learning from mistakes tendency to identify what is wrong; little ability to identify, name, and appreciate what is right
— THE CHARACTERISTICS OF WHITE SUPREMACY CULTURE from Dismantling Racism: A Workbook for Social Change Groups, by Kenneth Jones and Tema Okun (ChangeWork, 2001)
In addition to the never-ending sense of urgency that we were forced to operate under, there was little room for error. Even as we were expected to “hit the ground running,” there was little patience for mistakes. Just weeks into “taking the reins” on social media, I posted a photo on Instagram that disrupted the grid pattern. In response, KW reached out to let me know I “fucked up the grid.” She would later claim she was “joking” to which I replied that we didn’t yet have a relationship that made that energy or language appropriate.
In late September, days before a one-on-one workday with KW, I was asked to be available for a conference that fell well after the end of my contract period with the project. As such, I had committed to a conflicting event — to support at an annual conference for my partner’s nonprofit. It was only after receiving the email announcement about the conference, did she message me to say that she understood “the conflict” but wanted to be clear it would be “hard to do the work without” me there.
When I told her that I would have appreciated knowing about the event when she found out 2 weeks prior, I was told to “give her a break.”
Defensiveness
the organizational structure is set up and much energy is spent trying to prevent abuse and protect power as it exists rather than to facilitate the best out of each person or to clarify who has power and how they are expected to use it
- because of either/or thinking (see below), criticism of those with power is viewed as threatening and inappropriate (or rude)
- people respond to new or challenging ideas with defensiveness, making it very difficult to raise these ideas
- a lot of energy in the organization is spent trying to make sure that people’s feelings aren’t getting hurt or working around defensive people
- the defensiveness of people in power creates an oppressive culture
— THE CHARACTERISTICS OF WHITE SUPREMACY CULTURE from Dismantling Racism: A Workbook for Social Change Groups, by Kenneth Jones and Tema Okun (ChangeWork, 2001)
On September 30th, I traveled by train to Milwaukee for the workday. The first half of the day was presented as a conflict mini workshop. She noted three disagreements we had experienced in my first month — the confrontation around “cultural” ways of working, “the fucked up” Instagram grid, and the expectation for participation in events that fell outside of the contractual agreement.
As we got into the discussion, I expressed that her overall defensiveness in previous conversations made it difficult for me to share my frustrations with her. I disclosed that I had considered reaching out to the project’s advisory circle for support. It was then that KW scolded me, saying I was never to reach out to them without speaking to her first. This action, she said, “would be an extreme breach of trust.”
As we closed out the conflict mini workshop, she told me that she would begin tracking our disagreements to determine whether it was a good fit for me to remain on the project. It was shortly after this meeting that I began communicating with members of the advisory circle without her approval. From the beginning, they agreed that these issues were worth communicating to them & that they wished to support however they could.
Paternalism
- decision-making is clear to those with power and unclear to those without it
- those with power think they are capable of making decisions for and in the interests of those without power
- those with power often don’t think it is important or necessary to understand the viewpoint or experience of those for whom they are making decisions
- those without power understand they do not have it and understand who does
- those without power do not really know how decisions get made and who makes what decisions, and yet they are completely familiar with the impact of those decisions on them
— THE CHARACTERISTICS OF WHITE SUPREMACY CULTURE
from Dismantling Racism: A Workbook for Social Change Groups, by Kenneth Jones and Tema Okun (ChangeWork, 2001)
On Friday, October 4th I was asked by KW to speak at an all-day Patreon Creator Panel event being held in Chicago. KW noted that she offered to have me speak after learning there would be no other people of color on the panel. Since this fell outside of the scope of my role, I inquired as to whether this would be a paid opportunity. I was informed that the event paid $1500 but that money would be going back into the project. I would only make my regular base pay — roughly $200 for an 8-hour Saturday event. She touted that it would be “good exposure.”
This would not be the only instance of questionable decision-making around pay while I was on this project. In conversation with our podcast producer, I found that I was making $5 less per hour than the other two workers on the team. In the hiring process, KW candidly told me that she would be paying me less because our producer had “more experience” in her field. Later I would learn that when our producer asked for more money to adequately reflect her experience, she was told “everyone on the project is being paid the same.” No raises or adjustments would be given in the name of equity.
The paternalistic behavior would again emerge during the renaming process for the podcast from Healing Justice to Irresistible Movements.
On November 4th, we were called into a meeting with KW and a member of the advisory circle to discuss the forthcoming name change. We were met with the contents of an email, written to KW, from a prominent organizer in the foundational Healing Justice movement.
The message left both myself and our podcast producer shook. We had always been told that those most central to the Healing Justice movement had given her permission to use the name. That no longer seemed to be the case.
In this email, a question was posed regarding the project’s current name: Irresistible. At a brainstorming session during the on-boarding retreat, both myself and our podcast producer voted for the name Irresistible with one specific caveat — the name had to be rooted in the quote from which it was born. That quote?
“As a culture worker who belongs to an oppressed people my job is to make revolution irresistible.”
— Toni Cade Bambara
The podcast producer & I expressed a desire to develop a more transparent and intentional process for repatriating the name Healing Justice in line with the ask made by this prominent member of the movement — pushing for a specific plan of action to be developed in response to their main question: How would this white-led project AGAIN reckon with its name being born from the intellectual labor of Black women (Toni Cade Bambara)?
KW rebutted, saying that she was inspired by a myriad of readings and quotes, not just the one by Toni Cade Bambara. Of course, none of those would be mentioned until well after she was challenged. As the conversation came to a close, we agreed to discuss this further with the entire advisory circle in an upcoming meeting. Privately, KW would refer to a prominent figure in the Healing Justice movement as “a mean girl” when they did not respond to an invitation for a year-end, live event to celebrate the upcoming name change.
After spending weeks supporting the podcast’s efforts towards accessibility, I would face my own issues around disability and access needs when a hand infection required two separate surgical procedures.
Ableism is “a system that places value on people’s bodies and minds based on societally constructed ideas of normalcy, intelligence, excellence and productivity. These constructed ideas are deeply rooted in anti-Blackness, eugenics, colonialism and capitalism. This form of systemic oppression leads to people and society determining who is valuable and worthy based on a person’s appearance and/or their ability to satisfactorily [re]produce, excel and “behave.”
You do not have to be disabled to experience ableism.
On November 11th I underwent a surgical procedure on my hand that my doctor specified would take six weeks to fully heal. I informed the entire team of this three weeks prior after undergoing another (less invasive) procedure. Though she was hesitant at first (“six weeks is a long time”), I guaranteed KW that I would work through the weekend leading up to my procedure to ensure a smooth process for episode launch that week.
(*Note: Prior to my arrival on the project, KW handled all digital organizing tasks on her own. I had continued to implement her process once I joined the team. Though Article 5 of my contractor agreement stated that I was “to retain the sole right to control or direct the manner, means and methods of accomplishing the result of the services described.” 🙃)
On the morning of November 12th, I would wake up to this exchange with KW:
After featuring prominent disability activist and media maker Alice Wong of Disability Visibility Project on the podcast, I understood the importance of advocating for access needs. When I did so, KW didn’t respond. Six days later, (not six weeks, six days) she was again asking about my return to work. Under immense pressure, I officially returned to work Tuesday, November 19th — eight days after my hand surgery.
On November 14th (prior to my official return to work), KW, our podcast producer, the advisory circle, and I came together to discuss the upcoming name change. The floor was opened for everyone to share both excitement and hesitations of moving forward. Again, both myself and our podcast producer expressed our hesitations to move forward without:
A) Addressing the questions being raised by the original practitioners of the Healing Justice movement
B) A plan to adequately honor the intellectual labor of Black women, most especially Toni Cade Bambara, should we move into the name “Irresistible.”
As members of the advisory circle valiantly stood in agreement and solidarity with us, they asked KW if she would be willing to reach out to the estate of Toni Cade Bambara around the name. She noted that she had reached out to Black women who were “doing work in the spirit of” Bambara for their blessing and hadn’t heard back.
Her next statement, in many ways, rocked the room — in *tears* she told us that she was burnt out and done asking for permission around the project. If that was determined to be the only way to move forward, then she was ready to abandon the name and put the re-naming on hold.
After a brief moment of silence, KW was confronted by a member of the advisory circle for her continued sense of urgency, reminding her that this action was a tool of white supremacy. Soon after the meeting would end, awkwardly, but with plans to make some attempts are reconciling our concerns.
The following Monday, on our weekly team call, KW asked us to debrief the meeting with the advisory circle. This call would be the beginning of the end. When it was my turn to speak, I shared (again) that the pace she was forcing the project to move wasn’t sustainable for carrying out quality work with integrity. We would have no time to ask for permissions, develop a plan, etc. In what was introduced as a space for reflection, I challenged KW to reflect on the pace at which she was forcing the project — and myself and our podcast producer — to move even while she was claiming to be burnt out. I shared, “I’ve only been on this project for three months and I’m already experiencing feelings of burnout.” We briefly discussed ways to move forward, but ultimately the call ended with another time-sensitive lists of tasks.
On Friday, November 22nd, on a phone conversation KW kept referring to my “struggles with the work.” I very explicitly stated (as I had numerous times before) that my struggle wasn’t with the work but with the constant grief, defensiveness, passive-aggressiveness, and poor communication from her. KW responded, “This is the work. You can’t just work on the project and not like me.”
I was fired from the podcast on November 26th, 2019. Under the guise of a mid-contract check-in, I was unceremoniously removed from my role as Digital Organizer. Her stated reason? “You said you were burnt out,” said KW.
KW would offer me three options for “winding down my time on the project:”
- she could terminate my contract immediately;
- she could allow me to work through the end of the year;
- she could keep retain me until early/mid-January, terminating my contract “roughly a month early.”
Two days before Thanksgiving the financial stability of my partner and I was now in jeopardy as KW decided her next move. She ended the conversation by asking me if I would be willing to run social media over the Thanksgiving Holiday.
— —
Thanks to the hard work, compassion, and advocacy of the advisory circle, I was paid for the remainder of my contract. (KW broke Article 1b of our contractual agreement by not offering 7 days written notice of termination). In the final conversation (and email correspondence) I was asked what actions outside of transitional duties did I desire. I asked for and was told I could expect the following:
Since the completion of the financial obligations of my contract in January, I have been patiently waiting to read the public apology and acknowledgement of harm by KW from the Healing Justice Podcast (Irresistible Movements). That apology never came. Instead on Saturday, June 6th I was alerted to the following posts:
As a Black woman, instead of feeling moved by an act of solidarity, I felt nauseous and angry. It is deeply triggering to see the same project that met my Black burnout and my Black life with dismissal to be publicly advocating for “prioritizing care and creating infrastructures of support” for Black folks. It is profoundly puzzling to watch this project, taking up immense resources from the movement community, pretending to be revolutionary when its leader was unable to maintain a safe working environment for her first two contract employees.
As our podcast producer said in her resignation email (shoutout to real solidarity) days after my termination:
“In other words, supervisory receptiveness to team input, knowledge, and leadership (if differing from supervisor timeline and agenda) has been a challenge. Even when it has been pointed out that there are areas of concern and priority that may not be apparent to a supervisor who is not experienced in that particular field (and so hiring a contractor for that role), these challenges have persisted.”
We have long watched white-led organizations use the cry for supporting and protecting Black lives as a shield from actually doing the work of dismantling white supremacy, unlearning anti-Blackness, truly engaging intersectional feminism, and dismantling the systems and structures that enable white-led organizations to hoard resources while organizations run by people of color are funded by the communities they serve. I’m tired.
I still have not reconciled the ways that my participation in this project harmed me and did not make me feel safe. In many ways, the leadership on this project replicated the patterns of trauma, harm, oppression, and workaholism that stands contradictory to its stated mission. This project is supposed to center healing in movements yet this experience was so unevenly paced that we were allowed no room for grief, anger, illnesses, etc. The Healing Justice Movement was created in response to all of those things. The trauma of my experience on this project has shaken my confidence and my ability to be honest in predominantly white work environments without fear of retribution.
But what I have decided is that I will not continue to be undermined or quieted into into obedience at the expense of integrity and self-determination. I worked at Healing Justice (now known as Irresistible Movements) for less than 3 months because the ego of a white woman was prioritized over the sacred work of Black, brown, queer, and disable folks fighting and healing towards liberation.
I’m not writing this for an apology. In the immediate aftermath of my termination, I requested a public acknowledgement of harm and action items for how the project would prepare for future Black, queer women contractors. That acknowledgement and accountability never came. That time has long gone. I’m writing this because KW (and Irresistible Movements) continues to profit from and hide behind the work of mostly Black and Brown folks. She continues to gain access to places and spaces that elevate her profile, all while never acknowledging the long-term harm she has caused.
KW is just another white woman in the non-profit world that has built a brand that espouses inclusivity but doesn’t consistently reflect that. My experience and the lack of accountability make it abundantly clear that KW is not equipped to employ or manage contracted workers, but especially people of color who carry out the labor of its public-facing persona while drowning in the toxic work environment that was never grounded in mutual respect.
I write this with Cara Page and the Black, queer Southern women who birthed the Healing Justice Movement on my heart. I write this with prolific writer, teacher, filmmaker, and ancestor Toni Cade Bambara on my heart. I write this for all the Black, brown, queer, and disabled brilliance that has been on display in this project with hopes that folks will continue to lift their work outside of the Irresistible Movements project. I hope that my truth will finally allow for the necessary accountability and modes of navigating that accountability that are in alignment with the stated purpose and mission of the project.
Towards Liberation & In Solidarity,
Whitney