The Self-Compassion Deficit
I’ve been seeing a meme pop up across social media.
It looks like this:
When I say that I’ve been seeing it — I mean I have been SEEING IT. There are days where versions of this statement take over my Instagram feed. Its ubiquity is fascinating, but also concerning.
A lot of mental health discourse tells us that self-awareness is foundational to better relationships — with ourselves, and with others. But if this is true, why does this meme exist, and why is it so popular? Why is self-awareness making some people more miserable instead of less?
I think the answer to these questions lies in a concept that is often bandied about, but is largely misunderstood: self-compassion. I have come to believe that self-awareness devoid of self-compassion is useless at best and a recipe for neuroticism at worst. Self-compassion is the key ingredient to lasting and meaningful personal growth and change — it’s not enough to be aware of our shortcomings; we have to be able to also show them grace.
What is self-compassion?
It’s been said that self-compassion is a practice — it’s honing the ability to show up day in and day out and meet yourself with acceptance. It’s acknowledging the totality of your humanity, the good parts and the bad. It’s treating yourself as you would a dear friend — with empathy, grace, and kindness. It’s not arrogance, or confidence, or narcissism.
Self-compassion builds a comforting internal environment for your emotions to release and pass through. It also counters the voice of your inner critic — a voice that can often be strengthened via “self-awareness.” You see, it’s one thing to know yourself, and know the ways that you handle (or mishandle) relationships, communications, and the daily interactions of life. It’s another thing to have this knowledge and extend kindness to yourself for the times you screw it all up.
The partnership of compassion & awareness
Self-knowledge is one piece of the puzzle; without the conjoining piece of self-compassion, critical voices seep in and prevent that knowledge from turning into transformation.
Without self-compassion, self-awareness can create a cycle of shame leading to stagnation. WITH self-compassion, self-awareness becomes a stepping stone to better behavior out in the world. The kinder you are to yourself, the kinder your become to others, bettering your capacity for connection and compassion. When you give yourself a break, you’re more likely to give others a break, too. You strengthen your patience and your ability to empathize — you realize that most of us are bumbling through the world, doing the best we can with whatever knowledge we have at any given moment.
This advice may seem counterintuitive — after all, certain threads of cultural messaging suggest that compassion leads to complacency and passiveness. Many people think it’s nice in theory, but reject the idea that compassion can actually be fuel for growth and improvement. But reams of social science support the link between self-compassion and growth. This 2012 study demonstrated that people with high self-compassion show greater motivation to correct their errors. Conversely, self-criticism has been shown to increase procrastination and make people less likely to complete goals.
Journalist and 10% Happier CEO Dan Harris covers this in his recent TED Talk “The Benefits of Not Being a Jerk to Yourself.” He talks about the realization that obsessing over his faults and foibles only strengthened them, and that finally “letting them be” was the key to transformation:
“I realized that I didn’t have to fight my demons or hate myself for having them. They were ancient, fear-based, neurotic programs, probably injected into me by the culture and by my parents, and that, actually, were trying to help protect me. And when I stopped fighting them, they actually calmed down for a few seconds, making it a lot easier to just let them be, instead of acting out. I didn’t have to slay my demons. As meditation teacher La Sarmiento puts it, I just had to give them a high five.”
Self-compassion isn’t an easy practice, and it requires commitment. But the lasting effects on mental well being are worth the effort. The world bombards us with enough external sources of strife and chaos; we don’t need to self-generate even more. Self-compassion is a beautiful antidote to the anxieties and suffering created by our own minds, and the ingredient that makes self-awareness actually actionable.
The next time you’re tempted to obsess over all the less than perfect things you notice about yourself, try to take a breath and say some kinder words instead. Your mind and heart will thank you for it.
