As the self-appointed gatekeeper of all that is funny, I bestow onto you the official rules of comedy.

This is satire.

Hello there! It is I, the diligent, hardworking dictator of all that is deemed appropriate entertainment in the world around us. I am the Comedy Police. I don’t wear a uniform. I don’t have a badge. And I’ve never even tried to write a joke, though I did once improvise a set at an open mic back in college. So obviously, my thoughts on comedy count more than most.

Today, I’m taking it upon myself as my civic duty to tell the world what joke topics shall be forever off limits because they are sacred and therefore…


Maybe there’s just no winning.

As long as we’re going to continue to prosecute people in the court of public opinion, I think we should consider enacting a statute of limitations on which content we want to unearth and leverage to destroy someone’s career. I want to believe there’s nothing in my Twitter history that would be perceived as offensive to anyone, but just in case I tweeted something stupid back in 2009 when I joined Twitter and had 40 followers, I’d like to encourage you to consider overlooking the minutiae and instead look at the sum of the parts.

In the unlikely event that…


Your family misses you.

Just another Tuesday at the office.

***This is satire***

Nov. 1: Excited sales guy brings in major project. Development team estimates six months until completion.

Nov. 4: Sales guy shares that the client signed the contract! Oh, and per the agreement, the dev team has two months to deliver the project.

Nov. 5: Assemble an all-star team… it might be possible to finish this time if we can get our best developers on it! Except, our star senior dev leaves for his month-long honeymoon next week and our solid junior just quit after realizing we’ve been drastically underpaying him.

Nov. 6: Put our most mediocre devs…


If you sign with us, we promise to say “synergize” at least six times in every meeting.

Now may be a good time to let you know that we have no idea what “strategy” means.

Dear Conglomocorp,

Thank you for inviting our firm to submit a proposal for your company’s forthcoming digital campaign launch. We’re excited to be in consideration for this opportunity, which is a big deal to your company and literally no one else in the world. Our team here at ID-8 Design Agency is thrilled to be a contender for this project as our agency isn’t very well known and our 24-year-old head of marketing is dying to get some action at Cannes Lyon this year. …


But people LOOOOOOOVE parallax sites… right?

Everyone knows clean and simple doesn’t win you a Clio Award.

*Satire*

A new year is a great time to launch a new website. But with that comes many questions. What are the trends? What type of website can I build that’s so innovative, game-changing, and synergistic that people can’t help but wonder how they survived in life without my Jackson Pollock-inspired mishmash of website greatness?

If you really want your website to stand out in 2018, here’s what you have to do.

Pop-Ups Everywhere

A great way to introduce people to your website is to ask them to sign up for your email list even though they haven’t even figured out whether…


Just another day selling my soul to the telecom companies.

And also, I don’t care about our country’s future.

*** This is satire. ***

Many people I know are talking about this thing called “Net Neutrality.” They’ve gone through painstaking explanations as to why I should care about a “free internet” or should care about the fact that large corporations may be able to “throttle” my internet.

And yet, I still don’t care.

There are numerous reasons that I, the typical American consumer, don’t give a shit.

Here are some of the reasons IDGAF about Net Neutrality.

I’m Rich AF

I don’t give a shit about Net Neutrality because I have money to throw around and I don’t care about spending hundreds…


As part of our mission to support founder development throughout every stage of the startup journey, FounderTherapy recognizes that women encounter distinct challenges in building their businesses. When leadership coach Laura Westman, PCC, approached us about using FounderTherapy as a backdrop for her monthly meetup dedicated to helping women overcome these obstacles, we eagerly signed up to be part of it.

Creative Female Founders helps women build powerful businesses, express authentic leadership, and make glass ceilings a thing of the past. …


Ah, the sweet smell of burning $100 bills.

My company exploded so quickly my employees’ lives were in danger.

As I write this, I’m looking over the charred remains of what used to be my startup. As a technology company, we’d taken all the steps we knew to run and scale a company. However, one thing they don’t teach you in “The Lean Startup” is what to do when you start burning cash so hard it ignites a fire.

Like any other founder, I launched my company with a dream in my heart and a glimmer in my eye. Or, at least I launched it with an MVP in the cloud and a sales deck on my laptop.

Investors…


Heaven is a place without push notifications.

I have never cared, nor will I ever care, that someone has a work anniversary.

I know you don’t believe me, dear reader, but I’m writing this from the great beyond. I need to warn you about the dangers of push notifications. Sure, these bubbles popping up all over your phone seem innocent, but be warned that they’re out to get you… just like they were out to get me.

I used to be on my smartphone all day long, just like each of you, avoiding eye contact with strangers while reading trashy clickbait articles from George Takei’s Facebook feed. …


You mean to tell me you can lead teams to greatness WITHOUT acting like an entitled jerk?

Called Jackass, this startup forces startup bros to take responsibility for their actions and pay consequences for bad behavior. It represents a paradigm shift in the tech landscape, but also represents competition for tech bros who aren’t used to facing consequences.

Fresh on the heels of the announcement of Bodega, a new startup that inexplicably landed $2.5 million to build glorified vending machines, comes the announcement of a new startup aimed at eliminating the out-of-touch startup bros who want to destroy small businesses and ruin cities like New York as we know it.

The new startup, called Jackass, aspires to replace these out-of-touch founders and bros with responsible, highly emotionally intelligent adults who understand the communities they aim to serve. …

Whitney Meers

Founder @ Platformer Marketing. Video games. Startups. Comedy. Whatever else I think is cool right now. @hackernoon former @huffpost @truTV

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