Job interviews: Questioning creativity
I cannot get enough of my people, we Indians are the visionaries whose only vision is to replicate someone else’s vision. Having an original idea or a thought is as rare as finding someone who never followed someone else’s dream. In this one, I want to judge the people who have been appointed to judge us before they could lease our ass.
Most of us strugglers can relate to this. For all you fortunate fucks, who pursued their father’s business after college; the genius startup owners, whom no one likes for being a miserable overachiever, let me help you a bit. Here is a snapshot of what happens, each fuckin’ time.
It starts with some initial screening of your highly exaggerated, undeniably superficial pieces of information you submit about your qualifications & experience to your future rent payer. If they want to call the bluff, they decide to see you in person. The place would resemble like a Gujju wedding reception, overcrowded to the max & no one knows each other. The queue always bigger than the ‘tech freaks’ who line up for the supposedly ‘new’ overpriced iPhones.
Just one of the scenes from a personal interview round for the position of a mere data analyst (fancy for numb brained data entry profile):
Bored interviewer: Tell me something about yourself?
Enthusiastic candidate: Myself Daanish Merchant, I’m a hard worker, a self starter, an ass giver & not to brag but I give legendary BJs. Not to forget, I’m a very gullible person & immensely desperate for a new job. I masturbate like my dick is going to fly off any minute. I love staring at my phone’s screen in my free time or my busy time or even my awkward times.
Mildly amused interviewer: Amusing, why do you want to quit your current job?
Nervous candidate: I’m scared that they will give me a promotion, respect me, pay me better & give a purpose to my life. I love being poor & over worked so I thought I should join an organization that helps me keep in that desired state.
Arrogant interviewer: Why should we hire your ass?
Desperately trying to sound confident candidate: Although they pretty much fucked me in the ass so much that I can never walk straight but I have high regards for my management. They taught me a lot & I think I can contribute with my experience. Should I please give a demo of that legendary BJ that I was talking about?
Dillusionally intellectual interviewer: What are your views upon the current fiscal policy of our country & can you list down some changes that you would like to add to it?
Dumbstruck Candidate: I’m honored that you consider me smarter than the elite panel of gold medalist economists in our Finance Ministry; yes I would like to recommend a few changes. Please tax the rich more because honestly if you leave too much money with them, they make something as ugly as Antilia, plastic coat their wives & buy cricket teams to play rigged matches. I have a few more but I like to fantasize only when I want to come.
Disinterested Interviewer: Where do you see yourself after 5 years?
Optimistic Candidate: In front of you, with my back facing you & a bit bent over. I see myself as a more mature person, hopefully a bit less poor & in total submission to you & your company. I would want to grow with the company as we help each other to reach a better place. In the meanwhile, if you diss me enough, I would also fancy pissing on your grave or rolling a joint with your ashes, depending on what faith your family follows.
Sly interviewer: Some optimistic little fucker you are. Tell me about your strengths & weaknesses.
Deceptive Candidate: I’m bad with direction, even for places I have been to several times. I have the attention span of a sparrow. I once fucked up a two ingredients recipe. I sometimes contemplate using torture techniques used by the Nazis, for my coworkers. But my biggest strength is that I’m somewhat a forgiving person & quite passionate for my work. I’m professional enough for not letting any of this get into my way.
Mocking Interviewer: Do you have any questions for us?
Hiding his anxiety candidate: Will your health insurance cover my bills from my therapist?
This is me in my interviews but with more subtlety. It is always a fun experience to go through them & make them listen to things they want to listen. We cannot expect a customized & realistic approach for a filtering process of a job that we landed up in because we followed the crowd. Let us settle at mentioning that we always get what we deserve.
If you happen to know a recruiter/HR exec, who earns their income by finding someone else’s source of income, sympathize with them for their lack of creativity. Maybe you can listen to their side & in reply say a simple — thank you for your time & I’ll get back to you. Let them get a taste of their clichéd way of saying fuck off, I do not want to hear from you ever again.
The closer: There are so many things like these I still can’t get over & as things keep popping in my head, I publish them. If you have some things that happen in our daily lives which are bothering you, you can always swing it by me. Not to be your therapist but maybe together we can find a way to rant about it. Lastly, if you did like it, then do not save it like it’s your fuckin’ virginity, share it, spam it, be of some help for a change.