Chapter 14: Communicate. Connect. Influence.

Michael E Lee
Jul 24, 2017 · 4 min read

Communication is one of the hardest things I’ve had to learn both personally and professionally. It’s a challenge for me because to do it authentically you have to be extremely vulnerable — something I think everyone struggles with.

One thing I’ve learned is you have to communicate different ways to different people. When I first started coaching I tried to address everyone at the same time with the same message. While that is okay to do with very general expectations, I found it was much more effective to connect with the players individually on their level.

It’s not about what you understand — it’s about what they understand.

Connecting individually might be more effort upfront, but it’s a much better way to make sure there is clarity in your message and expectations.

Your players, students, or employees all have unique experiences that have led them to this point in their life. No one has the same story as theirs. And, you can’t communicate with them like they do.

Does a kid come from a home where his parents have really high expectations — maybe even unrealistic — and are really hard on him? You can’t yell at that kid. He’s already getting more of that at home than he needs. It’s counter productive. This is a kid who needs to be reminded about the fun involved in the game and why he started playing in the first place. He might even be a kid, dare I say, who you joke around with during practice. If you want better performance you have to add in the element of fun. Why? Because it helps you achieve that state of flow. You can’t have anxiety and feel pressure at the same time you’re in the zone.

If a kid comes from a single parent home, where he doesn’t have much supervision and is responsible for a lot of things on his own, you probably need to challenge the kid more. Kids like that need structure and accountability. They might even crave it because it gives them a sense of security.

Mindfulness gives you the ability to be more aware of where your players are coming from in order to connect with them in a deeper, more meaningful way.

“Connecting is the ability to identify with people and relate to them in a way that increases your influence with them.” — John Maxwell

If you really want to connect in a meeting — because each player, student, or employee is different — you need to take the time to prepare. It doesn’t have to be an hour-long research process, even though, depending on who it is, that might really pay off. Take a few minutes beforehand to just write out a couple questions. This will show them that you are sincere in your efforts to be there for them. To serve them.

Making compliments is a part of serving others that is often overlooked. When giving compliments, are they generic like “good job,” or are they sincere and specific? Research shows people receive sincere and specific compliments better. Here’s what I mean.

When someone finishes (makes a layup) through contact, do you say:
“Great job Billy!”

or

“Great job putting your inside shoulder on your defender, initiating the contact and taking them out of the play.”

I used to work basketball camps all summer long for a coach named Forrest Larson, who runs his ‘Take It To The Rim Skills Camps’ in the Midwest. My main job was to be the demonstrator for the skills, drills, and concepts that he was teaching. I specifically remember a few times where I’d demonstrate a move or was running a station where he would specifically compliment me on something. I still remember these 10+ years later.

He would say, “I really like how you added this (part) to the drill. That’s really good stuff.”

If you’re in a position of influence like a teacher or coach you’re expected to constantly give feedback. That’s how the people you’re leading make changes and ultimately improve. But there’s a trap you can fall into if you’re not mindful. You have to ask yourself, “Am I communicating out of reaction and habits, or am I communicating intentionally?

Are you the coach that screams,”Come On!!!! You gotta execute!”?

“When you connect with others, you position yourself to make the most of your skills and talents.” — John Maxwell

Kevin Eastman, VP of Basketball Operations for the Los Angeles Clippers, has an awesome rule about connecting with people. Whenever he meets someone new he doesn’t ask for anything for a MINIMUM of the first year that he knows him or her. He finds ways to continually provide value to that person by sending them books or articles he thinks will resonate with them.

John Maxwell says there are three questions everyone asks, consciously or subconsciously, when first meeting someone.

  1. Do you care for me?
  2. Can you help me?
  3. Can I trust you?

Like Eastman, truly INVESTING in the relationship adds value the other person, and to your relationship. This is the best way to connect.

Michael E Lee

Written by

I teach organizations, brands and leaders how to optimize their mind for peak performance through the power of mindfulness. Keynote Speaker | Workshops

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