二十八

The Taiwan Chapter

I have successfully completed 28 laps of the Sun, and I felt depressed. I received physical and verbal gifts and yet I was feeling down. I waited for my mental equilibrium to return before I wrote anything.


I’m glad I didn’t yield to the impulse of writing down my misery and sending it off into cyberspace to do whatever it does out there. As the dust settles and I return to reality my thoughts have lightened.

Allow me to be clear, I don’t care about my age. I especially don’t care about anyone elses age. That is not what made me so pensive. I was reflecting upon my death as to understand my life. It just took a couple days to get my head out of my ass again.

At a marker like a birthday, it’s normal to moan “what am I doing with my life?” Guilty. I queued that one up again.

See also: “You have no job!” Correct. “You don’t know what you’re doing!” Can’t remember a time when I did. “You’re running out of money!” I have survived with less. “Everyone else is blablardyblabla!” So what?

In my gyre I came to see what was being said to me by myself. Some statements of truth within the noise, but also tales of my success so far. I don’t have a job because I was sick of having a job. The situation I am in was deliberate, not just a product of my negative subconscious patterns, but a deliberate plan to screw myself over. And it is beginning to work.

Initially I believed the result I wanted to achieve by moving to Taiwan was growth.

I was wrong.

It is freedom. Freedom through growth, growth born from struggle. Struggle, growth, freedom. I belly flopped back into struggle.

The discomfort is breeding discontent. Motivation to change the situation. It’s not clear which way to grow, that’s how I water my creativity. It doesn’t really matter which way you walk, as long as you get there. I’m training my mind to focus on the goal. Imagining the state of being. Starting to sound a little crazy, but that is the ultimate determining factor. Your state. If you are energised enough you can move through any setback. But if your days are filled with malaise, it will be hard to overcome anything. And if you’re anything like me, overcoming yourself is the biggest obstacle.

Alright, I get it. So how?

Name the result, what outcome are you striving for? Be clear. Otherwise you won’t recognise it when you get it. How does it feel? Does it taste good?

Ask why? Why are you doing it? The more emotion the better. Fuel that fire. When times get hard, and they will, if your WHY is big enough you won’t stop.

And how? Understand there are many ways. They are the activities. Don’t make the mistake of confusing your outcome with the activity. Also know that plans change. A storm forces you to take a different route, good, a surprise. Lucky there’s infinite ways to go. Write out as many ideas as you can. You likely won’t need most of them.

Lastly, language. What’s your self-talk like? How do you describe yourself? How do you describe the world? If your life sucks, you probably talk shit. Ask me, I know.

Language creates meaning, meaning creates emotion, emotion determines what you will and will not do — Tony Robbins

Call your shot. Make it meaningful. And take it however it comes.

This will be the best year yet.

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