being memory

The Taiwan Chapter

You are lucky. Birth is a lottery many lose. You are one of the few who get what they want, whose thoughts have come to be. You stand where you predicted. Yet you don’t feel happy. You try to figure out why. It consumes you. You often forget why you’re here. Your mind wanders back.

You remember your last home fondly. The dear friends made. The precious memories. The funny photos. The taste of the great food, spoilt for choice. The smell of the best coffee, always plentiful. The city in which you grew as a couple and where you stepped into the shoes of a man. You vowed to do anything it took to simply be together. You meant it. You did it. You always do what you say. How you connected with your family, with yourself. Your past reconciled. You think, it was so good back then. You miss it greatly. You fantasise about retreat. You forget the struggle. You forget how much it took to reach that point. Reflecting upon how you felt then, you realise you weren’t as happy in that moment as you feel like you were. As you should have been. Your mind wandered back.

You relived the party days. That part of you took time to die. Your days in a town that you fell into. The amazing people, exotic and interesting. Having and being novelty. The parties, endless and exhilarating. Feeling alive for the first time. Your curiosity reciprocated. Intoxication. Always buzzing, sleep was for the dead. The song never ended. You forget the numbing pain, the utter loneliness in company. The forces that drove you there. You revisit yourself then and witness true suffering. The lies, the fakeness. You could never truly exist in that moment. Your mind wandered back.

The place and people from where you came. The first tastes of adulthood, independence and alcohol. The ability to reach beyond the circle you have always known. Skills to learn and a personality to build. A mask to present. A tormented love and constant conflict. Twisted, but genuine. You wondered why it had all been so hard. You know that it was not a happy time. A brush with death a wake up call. One family breaking and another fortified in combat. Broken hearts and façades. A vision of a life you rejected. You had to go, it was harder than they all know. Precious few stood by you. Your mind wandered back.

A time perfectly simple. Pleasure was sun and sand. Life was water and each other. Bonds forged and strength imbued. Brotherhood. A family you chose, that chose you. An identity, to belong. You didn’t realise it then. For still, your mind wandered back.

None had died. Ignorance the blanket to keep you warm. The illusion unshattered. The apex of your innocence. A life better than many ever receive. And yet, you felt discontent. Misread and unknown. Over feeling and under felt. Met with harsh reprimand you were stifled and alone. Only one showed you unconditional love. Her time was due but her work with you complete.

You continue to pull the thread and unravel yourself. Delving ever deeper. Wondering what would happen if an end is met. You notice a pattern you can’t remember not having. A fondness for nostalgia. Things always felt better then. You tell yourself lies. An addict chasing that high. Doubting your sanity, your mind stalls.