Finding Some Colour In My Life…
….kicking my own blue butt into happiness!
Finally at the age of 37, the prime (ahem) age in my life, I am discovering me. Sounds like such a cliché doesn’t it! Yep I know I read blogs and articles about it all the time and go blah blah blah yawn and think what a load of [cough] BULLSHIT!
Let me give you a bit of background about how uncomfortable I have always been being me, always wanting to be someone else, never fitting in or feeling part of the group or mainly never feeling like I was a part of my extended family we lived with for a big chunk of my childhood — to them I was a…how would you put it….pain in the arse…and to this day…they still think I am! That is my family label (everyone has one you know — do you know what yours is?).
I was always a sensitive, frustrated child who felt overwhelmed so I chucked tantrums and cried a lot, rocking myself back and forth, making myself puke and my dearest Mother would say to me ‘If you throw up, you can clean it up with this face cloth’ as she threw one at me. My Grandmother and Aunty would say to my Mum ‘That child needs more smacks’ to which my mother would reply ‘What do you want me to do? Beat her to death?’. Other times I would be on a high, flying through the air, giggling my head off and I always had a joke to tell, a silly face to pull or just a cheeky comment that would make some people laugh and but to others it would just get on their nerves and they would think that I was out of control and I should just sit quietly in the corner and blend in. I would walk into a room and feel other people’s emotions and it really effected me, I think thats why I went from being energised to being depressed to being energised again, it was just as confusing for me. My sister hated me before I was even born asking my Mum ‘Why do you need another baby’ and our friendship was over before it even started, it has always killed me we are so distant because I have always longed for a relationship with my sister, watching her with others and thinking, ‘why can’t she be like that with me?’.
So many things happened in my lifetime that contributed to my depression, BUT I’m not going to sit here and tell all my horror stories…come on this is titled ‘Finding some colour in my life’ right?? But I can tell you at the age of 18 I had my first ‘official’ breakdown and started taking Sarafem aka Prozac and Fluoxetine and I have also spent many many years on the Zoloft bandwagon. While I am grateful that these magical chemical pills helped me to move forth into my 20’s and early to mid 30’s, I feel as though I have lost some moments in time as I was in a daze…a chemical cloud that shut down a part of me, influencing the life choices I made and maybe even stopping me from truly reaching my true potential or stopping me becoming closer to people in my life especially my kids, keeping them at a short distance — I just couldn’t feel much, so what was the point?
I tried a few times to go off my medication, but I failed and ended up with people around me saying ‘I think you need to go see the Doctor’ or one time, after a week of hardly getting out of bed, crying constantly and doing the bare minimum for the kids I could, I drove myself to the hospital of the country town we lived in, because I just wasn’t coping and didn’t see the point of me being around anymore.
Last year in late June, my friend saw on Facebook that I had the flu AGAIN and that my 3 boys weren’t sleeping properly, so she sent me a message and said ‘I’ve got something for you to try, pop over before you pick the kids up from school’. So I did and she told me she had been found a company that supplies the most pure essential oils and she had made me up a flu mixture to try for three days and also gave me a diffuser to use and a roller bottle with a blend in it to see if we could get the boys to fall asleep at a reasonable hour and stay asleep. Of course cynical me was thinking, ‘what is this chick on and is she trying to poison me?’ ‘Does she know what she’s doing?’ ‘Come on, how well do I know this woman?’. Yep pretty much sums up the conversations that was going on in my head but I thought why not take a leap of faith and try this hippie shit! I’m already using white vinegar, lemon and baking soda for my cleaning, drinking green juices/smoothies and trying to do the healthy living thing so may as well jump in the whole way and really get my feet wet!
So I went and picked up the boys and used my day 1 flu mixture and later that evening after the kids dinner, shower and pj’s, I rubbed the boys feet with the roller bottle she gave me as well as running the diffuser with some calming ‘go the hell to sleep’ blend in there and I shit you not….they went to sleep AND stayed asleep till morning!! I took my day 2 flu mixture and BOOM! I felt 70% better by the afternoon….I couldn’t believe it, was she onto something here? So as you can imagine by day 3 I was feeling back to normal (as normal as I can be anyway) and in so much gratitude (what a god send she was!) because being sick and having 3 young boys to look after is not an easy task and getting over it within 3 days….that was GOLD!
I sent my friend a message singing her praises, (I think boosting her ego so much she took out her ‘I told you so’ t-shirt and paraded around doing her happy dance) because I was forever sick and had been since a child, always on antibiotics and being left with absolutely no immune system. It was a vicious cycle of the kids bringing home bugs from school and me being sick for weeks at a time.
A few weeks later, she hooked me up with my very own oily collection and I got to doing what I do best….researching! Oh how I looooove to research…my kids upset me when they interrupt me and all I want to do is read. I’m just one of those people who want to know how things work and why they work, probably never grew out of it from a child [cue — whining childlike voice] ‘but how?’ and ‘but why?’. I am creative I love to draw, knit, sew, cook and bake but most of all I love computers, the internet and I have a quest to learn.
My first research was of course….how to support my depression! I made a decision to start using the essential oils while I was still on my medication and then to slowly cut down till I was off them. I’m not sure of how exactly step by step how I did this, as most of it was done by how I felt at the time. That is what I noticed straight away though…my intuition started to come back and my self-awareness, trusting in what my gut told me. It must of been a few weeks of cutting down and I was OFF my medication completely. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking about unicorns and fairy floss, this is the real deal hard work at getting to know yourself again….I began to feel raw emotions that I had not felt since….well I have no clue since when. I cried and sobbed and felt blue, I felt angry at times BUT I also laughed and smiled and saw moments like it was for the first time, things my kids were doing or saying and it was real…and it felt like I was smiling from the inside out. If I felt like I wasn’t coping, I would apply my oils and take deep breaths and it would pass. I jumped back into my yoga, meditation and sound healing, and some of the things I experienced during sound healing was amazing and indescribable and I began to turned my nose up at meat, alcohol, coffee, dairy and sugars…I was just craving fresh produce…and I wasn’t trying and it wasn’t hard, but it just happened naturally and all I was doing was using essential oils every day and I began to look at my world in a different way.
Now….I am back to having a glass or two of vino, sipping a cocktail once in a while and drinking some caffeine again (thank god!) but at that stage it was like my body was in auto mode to rid of all toxins that I had been throwing into myself since I can remember and I didn’t have to sit down and follow a strict plan starting at day 1….only drink this or eat this and consume this many calories…day 2 starve yourself but tell yourself that your doing it because you love yourself (wtf???)…yeah yeah I know not all diets are that bad but I have spent years and years yoyo dieting, trying fad diets that was going to give me that rockin’ body I had before I popped out my first little cherub (when I was a size 8…oh those were the days) and I can tell you….my body did not think that I loved it in any which way, and really I didn’t…I was in fact punishing it for being fat which just made me put on more weight and feel even sadder.
So lets fast track to how I’m feeling now….7+ months later….I’m still off my antidepressants (YAY!!) and I have dodged so many ‘bug bullets’ my family and friends have kindly tried to share with me and I can’t remember the last time I was sick, I am trying my hardest to be the best loving Mumma that I can ever be to my 3 boys (but I still loose my cool sometimes….come on I have 3 boys, a husband and a male dog…I’m totally out numbered!!!), my husband is finally all on-board the oily tribe train (and is loving it) and now can officially apply his own oils (praise the lord!!) and lately due to lots of reasons I am dealing with a whole lot of emotions that has at times ripped my heart out, stomped on it, threw it into a garbage disposal unit, turned it into mush and then packed it into a box and gave it back to me…..BUT you know what….I’m dealing with shit, getting shit done and moving on from it…I’m actually healing not just sticking a bandaid over the top and hoping it will go away.
You may ask how can essential oils do this? They are just stuff collected from plants and trees that those nature loving patchouli people like to rant about right??? Well they don’t just support your body to heal itself physically, they help support you emotionally too (huh??). If you smell something like a flower scent or maybe some rosemary and it takes you back to a particular time in your life….maybe when you were a little tacker and in your Grandma’s garden, you may have picked a rose petal and felt how soft it was a how it smelt like perfume. It may have been that rosemary reminded you of Sunday lamb roasts where everybody got together and sat around tables eating and talking loudly, laughing and joking. Perhaps it may have been Eucalyptus that brings it all back when you or someone you loved suffered from respiratory problems and this smell takes your right back there, however painful it may be….if you can look at these feelings, acknowledge them, you can then move towards the healing process and grow from it. It’s taking a step back and being an observer of yourself — something my ever amazing yoga teacher once said and has stuck with me forever….it’s like I look at what part I’m playing in all of this and why I’m reacting or doing the things I’m doing, then moving on from there.
Doing things naturally isn’t just for the nature loving patchouli people we love to mock, it’s going back to the old ways and in this case, the old ways were the good ways. Our society is so full of chemicals and disease it’s like we take medication to heal what is wrong with us, but the side effects of that medication we also have to recover and heal from. With natural therapies you don’t have to do that, because our bodies already know what to do with it, it’s like pushing the reset button (our bodies are way smarter than we give them credit for!).
I spent most of my last 15 years wearing black. My wardrobe consisted of black, black, black and yep you guessed it….more friggin’ black. I felt like if I wore colour, people would see me and I didn’t want to be seen, I didn’t feel worthy to be acknowledged. I would look at people who wore colour and envy them because they were happy to stand out and say ‘Hey over here! Look at me….I love my life’. I hated my body, I hated my voice, I hated me…and this probably stemmed from when I was little and people telling me I needed more smacking, I wasn’t quiet and well behaved like my sister, I made everybody’s lives so much harder. I used to sit in the hallway crying and feeling so unloved and unwanted and I was surrounded by people but I was so000 alone….these are my memories but my childhood wasn’t all doom and gloom and maybe I just couldn’t see the good amongst all the bad or maybe it was growing up in an extended family that constantly compared me to someone I looked up to, but wouldn’t give me the time of day…but now I am healing, now I couldn’t care less what my extended family think of me and now I sometimes love to wear colour and patterns.
I tell my boys they can be anything they want to be because they matter in this world…they have the choice to make a difference and if they work hard at listening and learning and find their passion…they can live the life they always dreamed about because they are worth it. I am working on being a better Mumma and I’m working on being a better person to every single person I met because I know that if I choose positivity that this will have a positive effect on my life and hopefully it will have a ripple effect and positivity will spread all around me, which helps me because it supports me.
I hope this helps someone, I hope that this all makes sense as I am typing and the words are just bubbling out of my head like I put too much detergent in the washing machine (we have all been there haven’t we?). Life wasn’t meant to be easy, life was a gift that we need to embrace. There is a balance we need to have and it’s as simple as: there always has to be an opposite. We need to feel sadness so we can feel happiness, we need to feel hatred so we can feel love, we need to feel anger so we can feel peacefulness and it’s okay to have darkness, everybody does, its only when we dwell in the darkness that it becomes a problem. If you feel these emotions for a day, that’s good, take a day to feel that, look at why and work out how to move on from this….its like yin and yan, black and white, positive and negative….it’s life…it’s balance…it works.
Love your life….its yours to keep,
♡ Essentially Tennille xx
*All I have written above is purely my opinion based on my own true findings, experiences and feelings. Please don’t do anything that would endanger your health or the health of others around you, make sure you seek medical advice and take care of yourself as a golden rule. I believe modern medicine holds a place in our health care along with, nutrition, exercise and natural medicine. If we all use a little bit of this and a little bit of that….we will all find our balance because we are all individuals and what works for one person may not work for another. If you want to know more about anything I have written, please feel free to contact me….I’m happy to help you if I can. I hope love and light guides you all to the awesome kick arse life that you all deserve ♡