WEEK 5 RE-RANK & BURN SESH
So it’s been another week and already, the First Ever Man Law Power Rankings are out of whack. Teams I left for dead won, teams I exalted were beat by their brother who was supposedly worse (SUCK IT, JH) but at least, among the chaos the most consistent story of all continued: Nihal is literally the 2008 Detroit Lions. So let’s get to it!
- A team of blind hamsters
If Man Law had its own Bilderberg Group, these would be its members (and it def doesn’t so don’t even think about investigating us i mean it)
1. We Plead Gucci Guilty — Kristian Mundahl (me!) (3–2)
For the re-ranked teams, I’m not going to write up a whole thing but instead, just comment on Week 5's performance. Anyway, WOOOOOOO MUNDAHL FAMILY BRAGGING RIGHTS LET’S GOOOO I GET TO EAT OFF THE RED PLATE THIS WEEK BABY! Antonio Gates clutch af, needed 7 points Monday night and he gets me 21. What a guy!
2. The Brady Bunch! — Tim Bergeland (3–2)
If you score 146 points, you get moved into the Top 3. Those are the rules and without them, society would crumble. Btw, how long do you think Tim’s gonna hold onto both Brady and Palmer? Seems like Tim badly needs to do some wheelin’ and/or dealin’!
3. Sanders’ Shitty Selfies — John Mundahl (3–2)
When the dust settled from the first of this season’s TWO Brother Bowls, it was JH who was licking his wounds as ‘Hair On Fire’ Devonta Freeman and Steady Eddie ‘James’ Jones couldn’t cover the rest of his team’s piss-poor performances. Better luck next time, bro PLUS here comes the finest hangover cure ever in Entertainment 0–5.
Teams on the rise but are still starting some schmoe like Glen Coffee and it’s like GIVE UP ALREADY
4. Ludicrous Speed — Evan Fischer (3–2)
What’s Gone Good: A newcomer into the Top Five! Tying the largest jump of the week with Tim, Evan used an impressive win over Nihal (and yeah, maybe HE’s a pushover but 113 points ain’t bad) as a springboard into Man Law’s elite. Part of that success is easily due to Andy Dalton and Blake Bortles (of all people!) as Evan’s investment in AJ Green, Tyler Eifert and Allen Robinson make up one of the finest pass-catching combos in the league. And then there’s Arizona’s #2-ranked defense which is just out there KILLIN’ fools with Bruce Arians at the helm. I’d trust Bruce Arians with my entire life, I really believe that. Just look at him!
What’s Gone to Hell in a Handbasket: Answer: The pre-season darling RB duo of Eddie Lacy and Frank Gore. Lacy’s been complete and total trash, harking back to the pre-Ryan Grant days for Green Bay. (Brandon Jackson anyone???) And Gore’s been only marginally better! Maybe this whole Indy Senior Citizen Dream Team thing ain’t gonna work out too well, eh? I guess that’s what happens when you have Matt ‘Father Time’ Hasselbeck throwing passes two yards downfield. There’s also the problem of Jordan Cameron, who’s been infected with whatever voodoo magic is bringing down the Dolphins but that’s, you know, only SLIGHTLY mitigated by Evan’s drafting of Tyler Eifert. We should all be so lucky.
Team MVP: Philip Rivers Face
5. Morning Wood Head — Joe Marshall (3–2)
Joe prevailed in Week 5 by playing one of the coldest teams in the league, aided by a defense on bye left in the starting roster and the continuing magnificence of Todd Gurley. Gurley had 159 yards on 30 carries and really looks like the real deal which totally flies in the face of the whole ‘you can get a good enough RB in the 4th and 5th rounds of the NFL draft’ line of thinking. Tbh I never want the Vikes to draft a 1st round RB again but damn… Gurley is out here WRECKING fools. Rams looking good with that decision, which I believe was widely panned at the time. That Jeff Fisher is a football GENIUS.
6. Spooky Ghosts — Patrick Buggy (3–2).
What’s Gone Good: So that Aaron Rodgers, eh? Pretty good at football! Pretty dec! Throws a lot of touchdowns! Not a lot of INTs! Not bad! (/ends Grantland Robert Mays impression) Besides the expected production out of A-Rodg, Patrick’s team has surprised a lot in the industry with Gio Bernard suddenly body-switching with Jeremy Hill and Thomas Rawls actually being Emmitt Smith in disguise. Nobody even knows who Thomas Rawls is and then boom, Skittles needs a new spokesman. The Ghosts certainly haven’t been spooky to start the season but with 3 wins in a row, I know I’M certainly…. frightened. Throw Tinder King Julian Edelman in there you’ve got yourself some Sleeper Ghosts!
What’s Gone to Hell in a Handbasket: Speaking of Edelman, his Ghosts WR companion was supposed to Andre Johnson, finally free from the black goo that most people call Texans quarterbacks and ready to make sweet, sweet fantasy love with Andrew Luck. In case you’ve been living under a rock with Patrick (Spongebob edition), that has NOT been the case. Johnson scored a total of 4 (FOUR!) points in the first 4 weeks of the season, with his best game coming week 5 with Matt Goddamn Hasselbeck at the helm. You can’t make this shit up. I legit almost tried to trade for AJ after the draft with Paco but thought I might give up too much in my frenzy. Thank god I abstained. Oh yeah, also Marshawn is being outplayed by a guy named Rawls… Things could be better.
Team MVP: Minivans
7. Private Event Celebration — Chris Knutson (4–1)
Last week I derided Chris’s team for not being very good on paper and look what happened! He got SMACKED DOWN by ol’ Timmy. At first, I patted myself on the back for the stellar Carnac impression but then I felt kind of bad for the Cincy transplant. (ed. note: He’s back in MPLS!) The ballsy Bortles play payed off with an impressive 28 points but that highly-drafted Texans D fell into the negatives yet again. One wonders when JJ Watt will get the boot to waivers or if Chris’s intense love for Jadaveon Clowney will save their asses.
The kids in your 3rd grade class that were kinda just there, you know? Looking at you ethan swaiman
8. Tannehills Have Eyes, Paychecks — Clay Thompson (3–2)
What’s Gone Good: *scans roster* *scans some more* *eyes flick desperately back and forth for good things* BOY, TALK ABOUT THAT TYROD TAYLOR, EH?
What’s Gone to Hell in a Handbasket: Despite Clay moving up two spots from last week, it is a ROUGH time looking at his roster. Not to mention that indecipherable ‘Paychecks’ addendum to his team name! I’m assuming it has something to do with Ryan Tannehill yelling at practice squad players who intercepted him but it’s still not tooootally clear. God, he’s a dick, right? Okay but no, back on track. Lotta bad shit for Clay right now as his team namesake has been cut outright and sucks, his first round pick/robot WR Dezzy B broke his damn foot and Calvin Johnson is a shell of himself. God, could you imagine drafting Dez, Calvin and Brandin Cooks before the year? I’d drop trou right there at the draft. (I have Calvin and Cooks in another league and god, was I psyched.) And then it all went to shit. Oh yeah, not only did Tannehill shit the bed but now Clay is relying on DEER IN THE HEADLIGHTS Sam Bradford! Tevin Coleman got usurped by Devonta Freeman, Melvin Gordon is on a shitty San Diego team, Matt Jones got sucked back into the terrible Washington back field… The list goes on and on. So it’s no surprise that Clay’s scored a league-low 316 points, a full 63 points behind second-worst (Rob) with a high of SEVENTY-EIGHT. I mean, christ, I’ve never scored lower than 73! And somehow Clay is 3–2. Jesus.
Team MVP: Diamond-studded mouth guards
9. Hyde and Prejudice — Eshaan Rao (2–3)
I’m not happy with you, Eshaan, not happy at all. Last week, I anointed you the closest to the top tier of JH, Chris and I and what do you do? You go out and lose and embarass yourselves, your fans, your teammates and most important of all, ME. Jeremy Hill sucked yet again, Demaryius plays with Grandpa Manning and god only knows what Seattle is doing with Jimmy Graham! I’m running out of pretend patience with this team and can only hope Cam goes Superman on the Seahawks D/ST this weekend. Though according to Kam Chancellor, that is NOT going to happen.
10. Deep Floyd Cal&%*@AM(&$&AR[UI][p — Rob Weiner (2–3)
What’s Gone Good: I kid because I care. Rob’s actually-decently named team has been on the decline since a BLAZING 2–0 start to the season. But there’s a reason he started off hot! With Big Ben, Adrian Peterson, Antonio Brown and Amari Cooper, Rob honestly had one of the finest team cores in the league. Then, of course, Ben got hurt, dragged Brown down with him and now all AP and Amari can do is get the team 25–30 points together while the rest crawl around like babies in the nursey. But this is the positive section so we’re going to be POSITIVE. Rob’s lucky Ben didn’t completely tear his ACL on that hit because did you SEE his knee????
He’s even back to practicing in 7-on-7's! No more Facebook rants for you, Rob, things are on the up and UP.
What’s Gone to Hell in a Handbasket: Unless they really truly aren’t… Like I said above, Rob’s been on a bit of decline since that 2–0 start, a decline to the tune of three straight losses and an averaged points-for of 58. Woof. With Brown now scuffling along with 4 points every week and Lamar Miller scuffling period, offensive firepower is in short supply for the Ex-Walla Walla Bears and it seems no amount of AP can fix that. Rob’s resorted to benching Miller for Darren Sproles (or maybe that was the bye week? Eh, they both stink) and Terrance Williams who is currently being thrown to by Brandon Weeden/Matt Cassel which is we call a “Texan Shit Bath” in the biz. Don’t get me wrong, Rob’s been struck by a lot of bad injury luck this year but I really take issue with the Mike Vick bandage he’s struggling to put on his team. Vick was the best option? Really? There were McCowns and Bortleses and Cutlers and Carrs on the Waiver Vine and Rob went with Vick? It ain’t Philly 2011, Rob, get with the times! Also re: Bishop Sankey…………… TOLD YA!
Team MVP: Ron Mexico
i would compare these teams to warm, unfinished beer the morning after a party: disgusting, smelly and the mere presence of them makes me want to throw up (is that too harsh)
11. The Lebron of Football — Nathan Guggenberger (1–4)
What’s Gone Good: Well for awhile there, Jamaal Charles really WAS the Lebron of Football in that he was putting a shitty team on his backand racking up points. But… we know how that ended. Ummmm, well, what about The Story of The Season: CJ2K’s Return from Totally Getting Shot! Probs gotta give credit to Bruce Arians for that one again. You know what else is great about Nathan’s team? That avatar. What a photoshop job, I mean really stellar there, Guggs. Sure, you’ve gotta change the name now that you’ve dropped Charles but you’ll always have that JPEG!
What’s Gone to Hell in a Handbasket: We’ve entered a Zone of Poor Drafting that often permeates the bottom rung of Power Rankings. Injuries suck, stupid roster moves are terrible but there’s nothing quite like the deep-seated regret of drafting Mike Evans in the 3rd round and seeing him put up 3.4 POINTS A WEEK. It‘s a wonder Nathan hasn’t gone postal like our friend Rob, I mean, homie drafted Evans, Russ, Golden Tate, Brandon LaFell, Martellus Bennett and David Cobb in CONSECUTIVE rounds (3–8). His next pick was Steve Smith, who is injured. That’s a Murderer’s Row of bad drafting, though it doesn’t touch what we’ll see in a moment. What happened to Russell Wilson?? Or Golden Tate? These guys were STUDS last year. I mean, looking at Guggs’ roster is like looking at a nightmare of your own life. “I drafted Matt Forte but I COULD’VE drafted Jeremy Hill GAH NOOOOOOOO” *wakes up in cold sweat* Jesus, let’s move on, it’s getting regrettable in here.
Team MVP: The Black Unicorn
12. A Team of Blind Hamsters — Hampton The Hamster (0–5)
What’s Gone Good: When I approved the addition of A Team of Blind Hamsters to Man Law’s ninth season, I knew it would set off a firestorm of controversy, a debate about the rights of domesticated vermin and an uneven scheduling problem within Man Law. But I persevered, I knew it was RIGHT to let these Hamsters in, even if they WERE blind. Honestly, it was a plus that they’d all lost their eyesight in a tragic accident with a Hamster Wheel when they were lil’ Hamster Pups because now we have a bunch of Daredevil Hamsters running around. Anyway, they’re cute and eat all the excess lettuce we have around the league. That’s the good.
What’s Gone to Hell in a Handbasket: Have you ever seen a blind hamster run a fantasy football team? No? NEITHER HAS THE HAMSTER WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Sorry, that was insensitive and I apologize. The point is, they can’t manage a team because they are blind. Are they the worst team in the league? No. But it’s probably closer than you realize! Players on bye, drafting Kyle Orton, trying to trade for Joseph Addai, I mean their tiny, delicate hearts are in the right place but the intellect just isn’t there. We’ve loved having the hamsters around but I’m here today to announce that next year, A Team of Blind Hamsters will not be included in the Man Law 13. Sorry, Hamster Fans but it’s for the good of the league. Of course, they’ll play this season out but we’ll need to replace them for the 2016 season. Sidenote: does anyone know any teams of bipolar weasels?
Team MVP: This picture
13. The Cockbag Brigade — Nihal Bhakta (0–5)
What’s Gone Good:
What’s Gone to Hell in a Handbasket: I’m going to post a picture here. It’s definitely NSFW and slightly disturbing so make sure you’re sitting down. I would also recommend taking a BIG sip of water just before seeing this picture so the resulting spit-take is worthy of the astounding absurdity of the picture. Okay, got your water in your mouth? Cheeks ballooning with liquid? Great, here it comes:
*spits water through computer monitor and into alleyway behind office, dousing a #teen trying to smoke drugs*
Holy shit. Holy shit. It’s a wonder Nihal hasn’t somehow already gone 0–13, his shitty, shitty roster breaking the time-space continuum thanks to pure suckage. I mean, Nathan’s drafting was terrible but this is a downright catastrophe. Did it all make sense at the time? Mostly! Morris was supposed to thrive behind Washington’s revamped O-line, TY had Gen. Brigadier Andrew Luck at quarterback and even Ameer Abdullah was getting hype as the next Barry Sanders! But my god, did things break the other way. The only, ONLY redeemable picks in this lineup are Cam Newton and the defense. All 15 others could honestly be cut and I wouldn’t be TOO surprised. That’s a 6.25% success rate in drafting which is only slightly ahead of Timberwolves Great David Kahn’s drafting skills. (miss u jonny flynn) It’s such a mind-bogglingly bad draft class that I had to investigate the extent of the misery. Behold:
Jesus in Heaven, that’s bad. That’s re-defining the word bad. And as a charter member of the Nihal Schadenfreude Enthusiast’s Club, I had to ask myself: where does this 0–5 opening performance rank in Man Law history? Well I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is that this DOES rank as one of the worst starts in Man Law history. The bad news is that it’s not THE worst. Regardless, in every year but 2014 (last year), there’s hasn’t been an 0–5 start. In fact, in 2013, 2011, 2009 and 2007, no one was worse than 2–3 after Week 5! And I didn’t actually calculate it but Nihal’s 76 ppg average is probably one of the worst in that span. Now, who WAS the worst? Well, let me take you back to a time called 2014. It was a dark time, full of Matt Cassel starting, Adrian Peterson beating his son and Peyton Manning actually throwing touchdowns. And then there was the Okra Patch Relay Squad, a spectacularly-named team coached by Chris Knutson, stumbling out of the gate for five straight losses. Chris started Ben Tate and Steven Jackson at RB for Week 1, Andre Johnson and Sammy Watkins at WR and Vernon Davis at TE. Sure, he had Peyton but that’s all he had. In those 5 losses, Chris averaged an appalling 60.8 points per game. Jesus, Mary and Joseph. That’s 304 points for those of you scoring at home, even below this year’s Model of Offensive Impotence, Clay, at 316.
So you’re off the hook, Nihal! But your team is still terrible and it delights me to no end. HUZZAH!
Well, there you have it, folks. These Power Rankings are definitive and unquestionable. Any complaints and/or death threats should be sent to @realdonaldtrump. I had a tremendous amount of fun writing this and I can’t wait to do it again at the season’s halfway point. See you after week 8 and as always, Skol Vikes!