At-Home Cures That Are All Just Thoughts and Prayers

Because you read a headline somewhere that said “President Trump” is going to take away your Obamacare, here are some at-home cures to treat maladies you may face over the next four years. They’re all just Thoughts and Prayers and won’t actually do anything, but neither will Trumpcare.

Yeast Infection:

Did you know that yeast infections can be cured with Thoughts and Prayers? Me either! Because they probably can’t! But you might as well give it the good ol’ college try since the cream your doctor prescribed you is $100, and you already donated that money to Planned Parenthood because Trump doesn’t believe in women’s healthcare. Isn’t that ironic? No seriously, is it? I never really understood irony.

Adult Acne:

Keeping your skin clear is expensive! But not if you use this at-home cure. Just apply Thoughts and Prayers to the affected area twice daily, and it might go away. Or it might not. But at least it’s cheaper than Accutane and doesn’t cause liver damage, which can also maybe probably not be cured by Thoughts and Prayers!

Sprained Ankle:

Having an ankle is now considered a pre-existing condition, so try not to get too rowdy in your company’s kickball league. For those times when you do get out of hand and one of your coworkers offers you ice, just say, “No thank you! I have Thoughts and Prayers.” If your ankle keeps swelling, it probably means God doesn’t want you to get better.

Gunshot Wound:

Honestly, it was your fault for getting pulled over and reaching for your license and registration when the cop told you to. This can often be prevented by a light complexion, but if you have enough melanin to suppress your basic civil rights try getting your senator to send you Thoughts and Prayers!

PMS:

All women experience an imbalance of hormones at some point during their menstrual cycle that makes them ineligible to run for president until they’re 60. Generally, this can be cured by giving the woman chocolate and locking her in an attic until the bout passes. But if you’re a lady on the go, ask your doctor about Thoughts and Prayers!