How did inscure ever bite my face and body before.
I stopped looking at myself in the mirror during my first year of junior high school. I was tired, and I hated it so much.
Instead of being grateful, I would cry myself to sleep or look in the mirror and wonder why I was like this.
It was sad. I was already at the stage where I was tired of hating myself, and realised that yelling and throwing tantrums at anyone wouldn't change anything. It was even sadder when I remembered that I didn't have a single person around me who validated the supposedly good parts of me.
Then in the second year of junior high school, I started to move on from my hatred, I faced it openly in the mirror, although sometimes if I wanted to meet other people, I would need to convince myself for tens of minutes in the bathroom that I was going to be okay, and look in the mirror for a long time to convince myself that there was nothing I could change. Then over time I began to curse myself for being so bad at the time by daring to give a hateful look to me in the mirror.
I wanted the person in the mirror to go away and disappear. I wanted him to die and cease to exist. I tried to fix everything inside me, I tried desperately to fulfil the sense of sufficiency inside me.
The stage I was waiting for came. where people started giving me validation and a twinkle in their eye-even without them knowing that I almost gave up every night because of my unstoppable insecurities. and from then on, they unwittingly helped me bring back my long-dead confidence.
And slowly I began to be brave and could look at myself in the old mirror even many times. but I still found hatred in my eyes. im so sick.
This involved quite a lot of controversy with myself when I had worked so hard to improve myself. because even though I was satisfied and felt better, I still hated it. every little flaw I had, I hated it.
I also wondered, why is it only the flaws that I see? where is the me that has been desperately trying to change? where is the me that is starting to improve? where is my appreciation for myself that people are starting to see? or. why do I still hate her?
why do I still hate myself? which part do I really hate and can't accept until now? do I really only hate the old me? if so, why do I now pity and want to hug the old me because I know the pain of being her.
now I try to be grateful for myself and fix what I feel is lacking, if I don't feel like I can then I postpone it and say "everything will be okay" to myself many times. i also ask for help from my boyfriend to help remind me that everything will be okay too. although sometimes the hatred likes to suddenly appear, I will not forget that it is not entirely my fault, because I really didn't understand how I should handle my insecurity before.
21, august 2023
