I’m jaded, scarred, broken, and been emotionally , mentally , verbally, and all around psychologically abused by various people over the years .I have had a ridiculous amount of people whom I loved die too over the years ,and I miss my Dad the most, though he’s one who has been gone from my life almost the longest .He was my best friend and nobody, nor anything else will ever replace the way I felt around him. I have been half in love with the idea of death since childhood ,and I came very close to it several times over the course of my life .I survived cancer, car wrecks, being right near the towers right before the first one fell in Manhattan on 9/11,and various other things .I wasn’t your average person in my response to surviving these things and more though. I wasn’t happy , grateful, motivated to live life to the “fullest” or any of the other crap most people are like after such things occur. I was upset that I was still fucking here, feeling bad much of the time , lonely, depressed, and just plain tired of trying .So, here I am, approaching a “certain” age, which I will only say is somewhere in my 30’s , because I have an “aging phobia”, if you will, and despise growing older with nothing to show for it to be proud of just yet. I would like to be happier, content, and all that happy horseshit, but I find those types of feelings hard to maintain. Forgive me if I am not all “sunshine and rainbows.” I am very honest and real though ,and that counts for something in my opinion .