5 Lessons I Learned to Find My Soul Mate
(Adapted from my original article on MindBodyGreen)
When I decided to move to Kauai as a single woman, my friends asked how I planned to meet someone on such a small island. My answer was always the same: ”I’ve lived in big cities all my life and never met anyone special there. Plus, I’m sure if there’s someone I’m meant to meet, we’ll find each other.”
Little did I know that six months after moving to this place I’d dreamed about for a decade and a half, I would indeed find him — my Great Love. Somehow, in the most remote inhabited place in the world, I connected with the man who is now my husband and the father of our child, Wilder Love.
After meeting Jules and diving into our relationship, I realized how much work I had to do to even allow myself to open to the opportunity of finding him. Had I met him just a month earlier, I would have been a very different person. I would likely have looked the other way when he tried to catch my eye or completely shut down our first conversation, which he started after a softball game we played at a local organic farm.
It wasn’t until I moved to Kauai that I pulled out a map of the Hawaiian islands. I was astonished at how massively blue the map looked and the isolation of this magical place became abundantly clear. Taking the risk to move to Kauai brought me to the edge of what I knew about myself. Suddenly, all the distractions of big city living were gone and whatever work was left for me to do had to now be done.
I found myself exploring parts of my own soul that were still untamed. Even though I had done massive amounts of personal growth and reflection, I discovered there was plenty more digging to do. But, my willingness to show up no matter what allowed me to identify my complementary partner, a man who is also filled with tamed and untamed parts alike.
From the day we met, both of us had a feeling this was the person we’d been waiting for. Three weeks into our relationship, we discussed starting a family and to our great surprise, we consciously started trying. Four weeks in, I was pregnant.
People say that when it comes to soul mates, you know when you know. Yes, what unfolded between us was undeniably compelling. Yet, I can say with even greater certainty that once I met my partner, I crossed over a chasm of “before Great Love” and “after Great Love.”
Experiences become illuminated with an overwhelming, “Oh, that’s why they happened” kind of clarity. And, all those love songs written and sung about that big grand kind of love finally made sense to me.
Here are five realizations I had after finding my Great Love:
1. My past relationships were not soul connections, but stepping stones.
In my dating history, I’d been in long-term relationships with partners I thought respected me until we began engaging in petty power plays. Sometimes, it got very emotionally ugly on both parts.
What I thought was life dooming me to repeat negative experiences was actually my soul having a certain set of lessons it needed to learn. I had to discover real self-respect and fully understand that big, real love isn’t finite or in limited supply — it’s actually abundant. Looking back, my past partners were all teachers toward finding my Great Love.
2. Svadhyaya (self-study) is essential for finding real love.
I developed an eating disorder in high school that plagued me for over 15 years. In an effort to run as far away from myself as I could, I ended up in Shanghai, on the other side of the world. I finally realized I couldn’t escape my problems. Instead, I returned to the States to start an intensive outpatient program, found yoga and meditation as a spiritual practice, connected with all sorts of healers, and began working with life coaches.
From there, I was able to foster a new sense of acceptance. The cliché proved true: I had to learn how to love myself first and foremost before I could find someone to love me. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have recognized real, big love when it was offered.
3. Forgiveness is a powerful healing practice.
Just before I met my Great Love, I wrote a list of every man I’d ever dated. Instead of remembering all the ways in which I thought they wronged me (a customary dialogue until then), I examined my role in the relationships and what goodness these men brought into my life.
The hard part about being human is that nothing is ever completely black or white, good or evil. We all have winning moments and we all have ones where we cringe at what we said or did. After I went through my list of previous partners, I practiced forgiveness for myself and these men by repeating the simple and powerful Hawaiian Ho’oponopono technique: “I love you, I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you.”
Forgiveness is an act of strength. It doesn’t make you vulnerable to be hurt in the same ways. It’s a way of compassion and letting go, a practice that we must return to again and again. Even in my marriage now, I continually learn more deeply about forgiveness and unconditional love. That is what makes us as partners real. It’s also what makes our big love real. And, grow.
4. My world opened up when I let go of the word “should.”
A few years ago, when I learned the mantra, “This or something greater still,” my world shifted. I began to let go of my intense need to control everything. Holding on so tightly was actually egotistical — I could not possibly know all the factors in play or fully comprehend what would serve me better. I was humbled. It was only when I let go that I got so much in return. By making room to let in what was “greater still,” my life began to look drastically different from what I expected — and it was always better for it.
For example, my soul mate isn’t exactly the person I pictured loving for the rest of my life. His strength comes from the fact that he nevertries to force anything and instead likes to go with the flow. Just recently, he came to participate in my latest yoga teacher training as a demo client. I was busy caring for our daughter, so couldn’t be present for the whole session. When I came back the next day, our teacher said, “You can just tell Jules has this big heart. He’s just so kind. And, he’s obviously done a lot of work to be very in touch with his feminine side.”
Previously, I would’ve preferred someone who was aggressive, potentially even bordering on being a bully. By doing a lot of personal work, I accepted that I actually did deserve goodness and that realization helped me attract a partner who believed in the same about himself — and about me. I stopped pushing away the very thing I was asking for all along: a good kind of love.
Sometimes what we think we “should” have or do just fits into old patterns, and keeps us stuck.
5. Having fun in the present moment is very, very important.
I grew up in a chaotic environment, so I craved always knowing how everything would turn out. This only meant that I missed the heart of the matter. After all, life is defined by the unexpected.
With my Great Love, I pulled myself back from jumping years ahead to know how we would end up. I became more present to the moments unfolding before me, as they were actually happening. Through this practice, I enjoyed discovering who my Great Love truly was without my usual expectations (ones that would always let me down) or a rigorous checklist of traits he had to meet before I’d allow anything else to continue forward.
I remember that before meeting my husband, I had never been happier with myself. I thought, “It’s okay if I never meet ‘The One.’ I’ll have fun along the way. And, no matter what, I totally love myself.”
I fully immersed myself into the present and “coincidentally,” he appeared.
May meeting your Great Love happen just as it’s meant to. And, more importantly, may you be ready to receive him or her.
