Thanks, Mom. How Your Mother Taught You The Best Business Advice (You May Have Forgot).
You can spend countless hours searching the web, books, and conferences for the best business advice. Or, you can make a quick call to your mom.
That’s right, mom. I’m sitting around on Mother’s Day, doing work for my altMBA, and focusing on how to show my thanks to professional collaborators. And as I’m sifting the boundaries of the Internet for smart people with wisdom on showing thanks, I had a lightbulb go off in my brain: my mom already answered all of this. Everything I need to know about appreciation I learned from her, and have right here at my disposal. No need to sign up for a fancy conference or watch a billion TED Talks to get the wisdom I already got from the woman that brought me into this world.
“Brookie (that’s my family nickname, no shame), always thank people when they do right. Even if it’s something they did for someone else, thank them. The world needs more kindness.”
I called my mom yesterday and she reminded me of this. I shared our altMBA assignment of “catching three people a day doing right” and she echoed her words to five year old Brookie. That it’s so important to do the work of recognizing the good in the world.
And she’s right. She was right when I was five (yes, that’s me and my mom, circa 1985) and she’s still right today. There’s not enough kindness in the world. We have serious empathy problems abounding everywhere we turn. It’s the kind of world where we need to recognize the good, champion it and acknowledge it so we can send more ripples of empathy out into the universe.
Ok, so let’s start from there. And let’s start at work, to help make our professional world a bit kinder. Just catch people doing good and let them know that… well, you caught them doing good. Seems simple enough, right? But how do you recognize work in a meaningful way? How do you make sure you’re coming across as a genuine, appreciative witness, and not an awkward, work weirdo? How do you choose the right moment?
I’ve got some Mother’s Wisdom on the topic and since it’s my day, I’m all about sharing. That’s right, I’m putting on my Mom Hat to take on the topic of being thankful.
Motherly Advice #1: Practice (Really) Makes Perfect
Cultivating a practice of appreciation at work is a skill (like my Mom’s method for making the thinnest Christmas Cookies, above. They are a thing of legend). While we may have that one (or two, or three) coworkers or bosses that make giving meaningful praise look effortless, for most of us the practice of appreciation is a new habit we have to instill in our lives. So let’s start off on a plan to build in a practice of appreciation.
- Block off 1/2 hour a day to be thankful. That’s right, the first thing I’m telling you to do is to take that time every day, create a calendar invite and just make the space for this practice. I recommend before you start in on checking your email or as you’re wrapping up your day (I block off the last half hour of my work day).
- Choose your vehicle for Thank You delivery. Just make a choice on a method to test for one or two weeks of daily thanks. Handwritten card? Go for it (so personal and a lovely gesture in a world of digital communications). Quick call or office stop by? Why not (it gets you up and moving, so that’s an added plus. And face time is always a good way to relay meaningful non-verbal cues of appreciation). LinkedIn Recommendation? That works (and recommending others tends to result in your own recommendation). Quick email or chat? That can be a great no frills way to get your point across (especially good for work folks that get embarrassed by too much personal attention from praise, but still deserve it anyways).
- If your vehicle doesn’t work, try out another. Whatever you choose, the thing is- just do it. Pick one. Give it a week. Try it on for size for a week or two. And if it doesn’t work, ditch it and try another. The point of this part of the exercise is to choose the method and stick to it. If it’s a relatively good fit after the first few weeks, keep it up. It can take a while to establish a habit, and showing up every day and doing the thing is the point here.
- Steal from appreciation gurus. Know that person I referenced above who is really good at giving thanks? Ask them how they do it. They’ve already figured out a process, maybe one even better than mine (if so, hit me up and tell me what they do, or you do if you’re the appreciation guru) and will be willing to share. People who love showing appreciation love helping others spread the good vibes. Don’t hesitate to ask (and in the process ‘catch them doing good’ and letting them know you recognize their work in showing appreciation on the regular.)
Motherly Advice #2: Genuine, Passionately Recognize.
Part of what’s awesome about the world is that we’re all so different. We all have our own “things” our quirks, passions, joys, and things that make us… us (like my sister, another mother I admire, and her willingness to do any crazy dare or challenge… like a mud race with her little sister).
Here at work, one of our core values is “genuinely, passionately care.” And yeah, while that can seem a bit cheesy, it’s a value that really creates a resonance of good when adopted. And since geniuses steal (see above), I’m taking it and putting a spin on it for recognition.
- Choose your praise recipients with your heart, not your mind. It’s easy to fall into self-serving behavior here. You want to be the best boss (and ace that 360 review) so you take the exercise above and think “Ok, I’m going to choose one of my employees to praise every day for the next two weeks. Monday, Bonnie… Tuesday, Devonte…” But being real, that is not genuine praise or crafting a real practice of appreciation. Leave the strategy behind and choose to let your heart lead you. Recognize those moments where you see or hear someone doing good and you get that tug, that moment where you go “wow, that was great,” and jot it down (I prefer sticky notes). Use your day as a myriad of minutes for potential discovery of good being done, not for focusing on one person trying to find the best they’ve done to check off your to-do for appreciation. Your heart will send you a ping, like your own personal text message, when you see awesome in action. Look for that.
- Jot down exactly what was done, why it was important and the impact- immediately. There’s nothing worse than hollow praise, am I right? At best it comes across as a nice, vague recognition, at worst it makes us look like we’re giving a compliment to look like a “nice person” at work. The good news here is that it’s really easy to give genuine praise (I promise) if you just stick to this simple method: when you catch someone doing good, immediately write down what they did, the context of why it was a right action worth recognizing and the impact. Don’t get fluffy, don’t embellish, just the facts. Example: “Rani, the way you jumped in after hours to help handle that urgent ad issue and solved it immediately so we didn’t have to deal with a horror show when we walked into work the next day was awesome. I know how many long hours you’ve been putting in lately and just wanted to let you know I see it, and appreciate it.” By writing down the facts when you see it, you can craft an honest witnessing of good being done, and not forget the details that mattered when you craft your vehicle of appreciation.
- Get emotionally intelligent with who you’re praising. Remember, the thing here is you are recognizing an individual person and part of the act of appreciation should consider who they are, how they are comfortable being praised and how best to show your recognition. If you’re recognizing Neal, who is shy and introverted, and is a passionate worker who doesn’t enjoy being thrust into the spotlight, sending an email to the entire team about how wonderful he isn’t wouldn’t be the right vehicle. If you’re giving Nyesha, your rockstar web developer who is the emotional heartbeat of the office, a shout out for overseeing the new site launch, a quick cold text may not be the right approach. But Brooke, you told me to choose a format and stick to it! Yep. Do that, just think of the recipient and never forget them as a person while you’re crafting your appreciation. If you chose cards, don’t make a big deal as you walk over to Neal’s desk and loudly proclaim your thanks for him as you hand it to him. If you chose email, don’t reach out to Nyesha with cold, robotic words: be your true self and show her the same care she brings to everyone else in the office. It’s not fake, it’s genuine. If you genuinely care about these people (and you do) care enough to approach them in a way that means the most for them.
And finally…
Motherly Advice #3: Do what’s right, not what’s easy.
We have this family phrase “it’s not about doing what’s easy, it’s about doing what’s right.” We say it regularly to my daughter, as it’s one of our core family values. And it shows, when we challenge her with things like “let’s hike 8 miles on the Appalachian Trail today!” and she doesn’t even blink and goes along for the ride. And leads our hike. And keeps us all on pace. Even though it’s easier to play Minecraft and stay home. Because what’s right is getting out, experiencing life and creating experiences (although she’ll probably kill me for sharing the picture above… thanks Mom!)
Think of this practice like a long, meaningful hike. The best hikes have a mix of easy sections, challenging ones and push you to achieve something you didn’t think possible (or even reinforce that you are a strong, living breathing thing). It’s really easy to employ this practice with your best work friends, your boss, and the partners you really get along with. But that’s not the point of a practice of appreciation. It’s to honestly give it every day, everywhere it’s deserved.
- Everyone deserves to be seen. Don’t choose the easy target. As my mom would say, “Brookie, you’re not always going to get along with everyone or be best friends, but you do have to be kind to everyone.” The same applies here (man, Mom was good). Be on the lookout for the person or people that you specifically struggle with at work. You know the one. The person who grates at you for no apparent reason. The person who does everything different than you or who you just don’t mesh with. And if you catch them doing good, then add them to the mix. Because they deserve to be recognized too, just as much as your work friend who has been your faithful friend for years. And to be honest, you may just learn the most about that hard-to-get-along-with person and yourself in the process.
- Be always on the lookout. Don’t just focus on your team, your department or even your company to discover the good deeds. Keep your eyes open for the people outside of your immediate view who are making ripples of awesome happen. The sales rep you work with who you witnessed go the extra mile online to mindshare with someone else? Let them know you saw that. The front office manager at your doctor’s office who handled a really tough patient, kept his cool and was still able to keep his professionalism when it came to your turn? Recognize it. The freelance designer you’re working with who you witnessed field about fifty emails of changes in a two hour period all to make your deadline, and kept it all straight? Yep, them, let them know you saw that.
- Forgive yourself when you slip, then start again. This is the biggest of them all. If you’re like me, the first week will be all about keeping that time to appreciate, but then… life happens. An urgent work deadline demands all your time. A sick child, pet, family member makes you have to drop everything to go do your “other job” as caregiver. Let’s face it, life happens. And that half hour a day can easily get gobbled up after a few weeks of practice. The point is that if it does, forgive yourself. You’re human, it happens. But then get back up and do it again. Maybe you’re choosing the wrong time of day? Switch it up. Just a bad week? No problem, think of all the past good you’ve witnessed and use that to bolster you starting in again. Just dust yourself off and start again.
The Beautiful Results of A Practice of Appreciation
The thing I love best about this practice is that it really does make ripples. I promise. As a matter-of-fact, if you try this and it doesn’t work, let me know. But I’m willing to bet that if you employ this Mom Wisdom in your professional life, and just give it a try, you’ll see some amazing things happen.
Things like:
- Your recipient having a better day for that small effort.
- Your relationships with hard-to-deal-with people getting… less hard. Even dare I say, kind, good and … fun?
- Your recipient sharing with you what they’ve caught you doing that you may not have been aware of.
- Your work environment getting a little less hard (or even toxic) and a lift in culture as others take up the same practice.
All of which I’ve seen personally. It’s really, honestly, so cool.
But above all, the real reason to start a practice of appreciation is… it’s just the right thing to do.
Like my mom says, we need more kindness in the world. Let’s listen to Mom.
