The state of innovation in banana technology

There’s been a lot of talk in the last week about technological progress in 2013, with some arguing it was a “lost year”, and others rebutting that. One can certainly argue both sides of the coin. Sadly though, every story I’ve read has overlooked what is surely one of humanity’s greatest achievements, a profound advance, and at a minimum, certainly the most noteworthy development in banana technology in decades. I’m talking of course about Chiquita To Go.

If you’re a fan of bananas and anything like me, I’m sure you’ve often said to yourself, “Sweet Miley Cyrus! Bananas are so delicious, I’d eat them anywhere! I just wish they were more portable!” It’s true. Bananas are ungainly in their proportions. I can’t fit a banana in my pocket or my wallet. And I’m certainly not going to hold a banana in my hand all day like an asshole. No, until recently, bananas were entirely unfit for travel.

Enter Chiquita To Go.

One day, I popped into my local Starbucks and spied a small pile of bananas by the cash register. I paused in awe. I was surely looking at something from another time, bananas perhaps brought back from the future and carelessly left behind by some caffeine-deprived time traveller. They looked just like any other bananas, except for two critically important characteristics: their stalks were cleanly and beautifully shorn, and they bore the mark of a delicately placed Chiquita To Go sticker, whose use of bright orange Italic font instantly communicated to all: these bananas are built for travel, but take caution, they’re still just bananas, and no more.

For a moment, I wept. We had finally done it. We had finally solved banana portability. I took a moment to compose myself and immediately called my mother.

Weeks later, upon finally overcoming my emotions, I decided to delve into the science behind Chiquita To Go bananas. I assumed that such a staggering development would have necessitated a glut of the world’s top researchers, scientists, and fruit-ologists, and that their solution would no doubt be so complex as to be completely incomprehensible to me. Besides, I was sure that they wouldn’t put their mind-blowing breakthroughs in the public domain. I was right of course, but what I did find I share with you now so that we can all appreciate it.

First, like any smart business, Chiquita did an incredible amount of market research to quantify the banana demand. Their extensive findings likely match what you already know: we want bananas!

Not only do we want bananas, but we’re fucking mad when we can’t have bananas. Some of us even picket! Then, Chiquita translated that overwhelming amount of customer research using big data algorithms into the future of banana technology: Chiquita To Go. What makes Chiquita To Go bananas better than those lame-ass regular bananas we’ve been eating like schmucks for generations? Glad you asked.

According to Chiquita, Chiquita To Go bananas differ from regular bananas a whole lot. They’re consistently ripe, hand-selected, premium-sized, ready-to-eat singles, unlike regular bananas that as we all know are merely eyeballed, usually dead and/or moldy, embarrassingly tiny, somehow still attached to the tree, and have to be crammed into our mouths along with three or four other bananas of the same quality at the same time. Genius!

It’s not just the bananas themselves that have been taken to the “next level”, but the whole way that those bananas are transported as well. To date, I’m pretty sure bananas arrived to our favorite convenience stores, bodegas, or coffee shops by our friendly mailman or woman. Well welcome to the future bitches, because Chiquita To Go bananas come in boxes. Not just any box, but the exclusive Stay Fresh Pack.

Just look at ‘em all! And if you thought this was any regular, old box, you’re wrong. This box is a straight-up thermal coccoon, protecting Chiquita To Go bananas across an incredible range of temperatures. A whole 8 degrees!

If you’re one of the lucky few people in this world that actually gets to receive a box of Chiquita To Go bananas, don’t worry, brown stains are normal.

Well of course they are!

I was a little concerned that with all of the advancements Chiquita has made, have bananas become too complex? Will store owners even know what to do with bananas any more? Well, Chiquita was one step ahead of me there too. They knew that they’d have to help educate the global banana-selling population, so they created a simple, elegant, and educational video on par with anything Apple has done, and included advanced tests to make sure that knowledge sticks:

Purple bananas?! Are you kidding me? Clearly all those fruit-ologists have a pretty great sense of humor too.

So have the millions of dollars, the lifetime-equivalents of research, and surely the countless lives lost to banana experiments gone wrong been worth it? Has Chiquita delivered with what will most certainly rank among the defining breakthroughs of our generation? Well, I’ll let the quality of the bananas at my local Starbucks speak for itself:

Lost year in tech? Hardly. 2013 was the year banana portability became a reality. I can’t wait to see what 2014 brings.

(A few side notes: Chiquita To Go was actually launched in 2007 from what I can see, but this article is meant to be funny, so if you want to fact check, please take your talents elsewhere. For more fun reading on Chiquita To Go, check out this unbelievable website: http://www.chiquitatogo.com/Homepage.aspx. Also, Chiquita apparently funds terrorism, which kind of sucks.)