What your political consultants don’t tell you

Will Caskey
Aug 9, 2017 · 7 min read

Once while on a race, a campaign manager sent me the announcement video. It featured the candidate, direct to camera, talking about her life and ideas and the usual things candidates talk about.

The chat transcript is unfortunately lost to time but it went something like this:

Campaign manager: What do you think of this video

Me: Looks great!

CM: Is that what you really think? Please tell me the truth

Me: It is one of the worst videos I’ve ever seen. [Candidate] is very obviously reading cue cards, there’s no pacing, and there’s no obvious reason to watch beyond the first five seconds

CM: ….WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY THAT TO BEGIN WITH??

Me: Why WOULD I say that? It would just piss off [Media Consultant] and besides, you don’t pay me to tell the truth about your bad videos, just the bad things you say in them

CM: I hate you

Me: PS you haven’t paid me yet

Anyway. I don’t know how many political consultants will actually tell you what we really think if you ask repeatedly and nicely. It’s not like there’s polling on it. But I know for sure that as a rule we don’t say it. There’s just no percentage in it. Consultants aren’t actually there to provide you advice. We’re there to perform discrete tasks. I write opposition research. The pollster writes and conducts the poll. The media consultant makes ads and inexplicably charges commission on the media buy. And so forth. The advice is basically just to keep you happy: it’s never falsifiable and requires zero effort on our part.

So keep you happy we do. I mean, consultants are also easy to fire, and if you want to fire someone to feel better about your lousy campaign please fire the consultant and not your staff, who make much less and care much more about your campaign than we consultants do. But mostly that’s what our advice is about: keeping you happy so our invoices keep getting paid. And as a general rule we don’t trash other consultants, because other consultants are how most consultants get our work and something as plebeian as doing lousy work shouldn’t stand in the way of a lousy consultant sending me more clients.

Nevertheless, despite my probably professionally foolish advice that you should probably not run, many people are going to run anyway. And one of the things I did leave out is what jerks consultants are, and that we’re jerks because of what we don’t say to you, not because we’re constantly harassing you for money. (The money harassment is actually us being very nice and professional; please listen and pay promptly)

So without further ado, here is a brief summary of what your consultants are actually thinking for each major type of candidate, in no particular order:

Wealthy self funders

You’re the worst.

Not the worst ha ha, what a lovable cad. You are the actual worst kind of person doing the worst kind of thing you can possibly do. Make no mistake: we love your money (more on that in a bit), but deep down we really despise you.

All candidates are idiots, but you’re an idiot with a Howitzer: all of that money and nothing to stop you from enacting all of your absolutely extremely stupid ideas. Why would they? Most candidates go through a long, grueling process to acquire even a minimal campaign budget. You do it by tapping your phone. Other candidates appreciate the magnitude of the operation, because they’ve been forced. Not so much with you! So of course no one will step in; there’s no point.

Certainly we’re not going to stop you. We’re going to nod eagerly and do exactly what you ask. And when that blows up in your idiot face the best part is you won’t blame us because no one is going to point out it’s your own damn fault. We’re all going to keep nodding eagerly, and you’re going to pay us even more money, and keep fucking your campaign right into the dirt, exactly like you ask.

Local official running for real office for the first time

Oh honey.

You’re about to learn how little anyone cares about you now. You’re the biggest fish in the smallest pond, about to leap into an ocean full of sharks. You ran for councilor of Stumblefuck, Nowhere to feel important and that’s worked out great for you, but that rug is getting yanked out from under you effective immediately.

No one cares about your committee chairmanship. No one cares about that ordinance you passed. All of those committeemen you bought drinks for don’t mean squat. None of them are going to send you a dime, let alone the millions (yes, millions) you need to raise now. You barely needed any money before. And it was basically effortless! People need shit done in your nowhere hamlet, and it’s not even the Easy Way to write the relevant official a modest check, it’s just the way.

Ha ha, not now! You want to be in a real office? So does some lawyer with ten large corporations on retainer. So does the dentist who fixes cavities for all the rich assholes’ kids in town. Hell, so does some bored lobbyist. Yeah, they don’t have your “experience” or “knowledge” but you know what they do have? Donors. You’re in the back of the line for that list, buddy.

You’re not going to want to hear this, and when you hear it you’ll deny it and say your superior ground game will make up for being broke and friendless.

Spoiler: it won’t.

Long time incumbent

Pay our bills on time, and we’re cool.

PS: If you’ve fucked a dead girl or a live horse that’s on you.

First time candidate

Oh boy. Where to start?

You’ve gone through a seminar or two from EMILY’s List or some other group. You made that cute little list of your close friends and colleagues and whatever. Oh look at you, it’s a whole page! How adorable.

We don’t dislike you, we really don’t. You could be a self-funder. (PS are you a self funder? It would be great if you could write yourself a check. You sure about that? OK just checking) But we say this with…well not love, call it weary affection: it’s better than even money you’re not going to pay our second invoice(s).

That list of your friends is garbage. If you’re lucky maybe one of them will write you a $2,500 check. (Oh yeah, you’re going to be very aggressively demanding $2,500 from everyone you know, and they are very definitely going to hate you for it) You’re not going to raise even a month’s worth of funding from it.

So you’ll be out in the cold, making random lists of people you hope care enough about you to take your call and then they’re going to yell at you. We’re not kidding, they’re going to be dicks. And you’re going to burn out. You’re probably not even going to file to run by the time the deadline comes. Most candidates end up like this: nothing happens to them, they just get beaten down into nothing by the pitiless fundraising process and they give up.

And the worst thing? You’re doing the right thing when you give up. It’s not your fault at all; our political system really is flaming garbage and we really are profiting shamelessly off it.

DCCC recruit

Look, can we be real here? I have utterly no idea how I survived the DCCC RFP process and wound up with you. Not because I’m some sort of pariah: no one knows how the DCCC RFP process works. Or even if they have RFPs! Sometimes I get some for races I’ve never heard of. Mostly I never see them!

To be honest neither of us want to be here. I know that the Washington Democrats you’re going to yell about a lot gave you a stern talking to and put the fear of fundraising into you and this process is already not that fun. Well, it’s even less fun for me. I don’t know why I’m here, I’m not making that much money off of this (because again, DCCC! They get really mad about not-media consultants charging reasonable rates!) and I am very definitely going to be fired at some point.

I don’t even know why either! Maybe someone new at the regional desk will come in and have a new consultant s/he likes. Maybe I’ll fall short of some ethereal standard they just made up yesterday. Maybe the wind changed. Anyway I guarantee you the regional desk is right this second laughing about how s/he is going to fire everyone on your campaign.

And you know what? That’s fine. God knows I’ve screwed up enough times without getting fired that I can stand to get fired every so often for mysterious reasons, or none at all. Wheel never stops turning and all that. Just tell me who your pollster is so I can get to work, and because we’ll probably never talk again, it’s already been fun.

Activists

Go away.

Follow Up: Blue Dogs

I am not your fucking therapist. I’m not here to tell you it’s okay to be a pro life Democrat or that you can be pro choice in a red state. I’m not here to tell you how hard to hate immigrants or how to vote on Pelosi if you get elected.

You are not my friend. You are not going to know my personal opinions because they are unimportant. Your positions on things aren't even important. Pick some. Pick none. I don't give a fuck.

You tell me what you want to say and I will tell you how to squeeze the most votes out of the less than half of registered voters who are going to vote. That's how it works.

Now shut the fuck up and go back to call time.

Will Caskey

Written by

Married father of two, recovering alcoholic, reluctant Democratic opposition researcher. List continues. Secured messaging at Signal/WhatsApp 773–454–9442

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