Overstretched

I have spent the last few days at home.

It has been an opportunity for me to take a hard look at what is going on in my life at this time.

I have been unhappy; I have been angry; I have been tired; I have been worried; I have been agitated; I have been disappointed; but why?

I have been overstretched.

Last weekend I had a list of “jobs” in and around the home which needed doing.

I did them, and I crossed each one off in their turn.

I have spent my time this week, running, writing, reading, painting, walking, visiting my parents, watching TV, being coached and yet I have felt an underlying anxiety and strain.

I have noticed that being overstretched is a condition where the mind is not settled even when the body is relaxing or it is engaged in something leisurely or pleasurable.

Being overstretched is akin to burnout, it is a nervous exhaustion, which requires care, but moreover it requires patience and self love.

My coach (angel as she is to me) by her participation in the great mystery which is my anxious life, enables me to draw breath, and focus on the here and now.

The very recognition of having been overstretched — the very discovery in my mind of a word for how I am feeling, has liberated me from the blind panic which I have experienced in my tortured soul these last few weeks.

I think that to overcome being overstretched, I have to submit to its truth, it feels like a kind of letting go, releasing the fear, releasing the addiction to false beliefs and false ways of coping which make the situation unbearable.

I feel a tad bit empty, as if the fullness has drained away from my life, but to be empty is to have the capacity to grow , but in growing, taking care that my cup is not filled to the brim so that I become again — overstretched.

William Defoe