This is a first post to Medium, but seems good for those that don’t care to read past a picture and quote they don’t have to have this crazy status a mile long.
Sitting and thinking about the new chapters beginning and how I couldn’t be more excited about life with a woman I love so deeply, journeying together in the Pacific Northwest, and launching a new company and leaving the loving golden handcuffs of Cirque behind I reflect.
Jen calls me a “deep morning thinker”, and this is very true as I sat with a fresh ground French press with my feet dipped in the pool looking at the glowing sun over the golf course with my morning oatmeal while a load of laundry ran. I know, you didn’t realize I was a rockstar in a hidden domestic form.
The mornings have become a time to reflect and mostly because I have learned that for me it is a time I need to be thankful, to thank God for all the ups, all the downs, everything that shapes this story and has brought me to where I am today. Accepting this grace of Jesus every morning for me, is how I center back to trying to live a life of purpose and love, beyond money and status which are a quickly dimmed sparkle in the distance that you realize is a mirage on the journey to happiness, it has no end point in its pursuit. You will be left always wanting more insatiable and miserable. That isn’t who I am, it is who I have been in some form at times, and who I will never be again.
I share a lot about #tellyourstory and many times it’s easy in quotes and quips from myself, and many smarter than I with their infinite wisdom. For me it is about living an open and honest life. When you think about those dealing with things, myself included, if only we could be more open about it, things can change drastically. Knowing one person cares about you without reciprocation for something is deeply moving on a heart level and cannot be shaken easily. It helps those fighting for light everyday to help break the wall crack by crack and let that light in. I have known many in the last couple of years with depression and other issues, and sadly some resulted in suicides for not all reasons known. It may be annoying and irritating to share all the time or constantly try to be light, but it is needed, just as I accept grace and peace, I must extend grace and peace. We all deserve it, among the least of these me, so if that’s the case, ALL deserve it.
I was working this morning on writing about my journey. Some days when I think about my experiences during middle and high school, I wish any of my teachers gave a crap, more so than for me but for the future of kids going through it now who didn’t find outlets and overcome. This isn’t to say I wasn’t a snarky teenager full of angst, anger from my Dad leaving, bored in school and acting out at times and not wanting to bow to authority and be told to fall in line with everyone else.
When I really look back, one teacher planted a seed that continues to grow in my life, from when I thought she was the meanest in 6th grade to loving how she taught in 9th grade, the one year I went to that high school. It’s likely no accident my living has been in entertainment because of her. That I began to see creating as an outlet for working through things and bringing what I could into the world.
I was 14, bleach blonde spiked hair, wearing Fubu everyday, made the football team, dislocated my knee cap and didn’t even play, stood up for a friend and had a sucker punch crack the entire left cheekbone of my face, it was an exciting year to say the least.there is much more to it all, but that’s some highlights/low lights.
I wore a hat sideways (for whatever dumb reason to be cool, which I was not in the slightest) and listened so deeply to hip hop, not because I was a thug, but because I felt I understood being misunderstood. In all of that craziness of a freshman year of high school, and realizing now with the love of Jen and her infinite wisdom to see through any layer of BS I am shrouded in, that I am still letting go of what some of those experiences did to me mentally in self thought which I have projected outwards has been liberating and freeing beyond measure. Without a doubt thankful more than anything for her love that sees me as God sees me, but that’s for a more detailed story as well.
Anyways, through everything that year, I got dropped from every class but Choir and a semester of History of Rock and Roll. I really found God that year, and music was really how he got to me, changed me. It was around this same time I met Jen, who in only the miraculous doing of God, will soon be my wife, which blows my mind. In choir, I wasn’t anything special, but Ms. Tut nick knew the value of every kid, every voice making a difference. This impacted me so deeply and continues in every part of my life and I see it more every day 17 years later. That’s what teachers and leaders, and all of us should do, help each person find their voice, and know it is important. To know that you are important, you are valued, you are loved. Your story matters.
#tellyourstory came about not to help anyone else at first, but for me to help me, which is where I had to start and form my own narrative before I could ever be healthy and possibly help others. I will never stop telling my stor, I will never stop listening to stories and showing love to those who accept it. It is the least I can do.
The song below came out the year I dropped out, the month after I got my GED and starting figuring out real life, which was easier than for most because of an incredible family that always did whatever they could for me to succeed, my mother will always be the inspiration for my life (my aunt and grandma have been so incredible in my life as well). I had these people breathing love and life into me, and it helped me believe and overcome.
It is so sad how evident it is in schools today, and realizing how poor our school system is of people who care for the students, not just test scores and grants. 14 years later and I read about Nevada being worst in the nation for education. We can do better, we have to do better. Teachers, take on a kid and believe in them, your job is teach how to be in life, that isn’t just book knowledge, but love, compassion, understanding, acceptance, and letting them know life is good, and they can have a bright future.
Thanks for believing in me Ms. Tutnick.