Hey dad, thank you, but I’m sorry I can’t love you
This article is solely about my relationship with my father and is based on my own personal experiences. If you have a positive relationship with your father, I’m genuinely happy for you. My intention is not to offend or discredit anyone else’s experiences.
I never thought about writing an article about my dad. Ever since he remarried, we’ve hardly stayed in touch. But, somehow, he’s still a topic I can’t avoid. I dream about him even more than I dream about my mom (and they’re never good dreams, always either arguing or fighting). He’s like a fog on my glasses, always blocking my view. It’s not that I hate him. It’s just that we never really had many good memories between us.
He’s a particularly serious person. Well, no, it’s more accurate to say he’s especially emotional. His moods are always unpredictable. He could fly off the handle at any moment. So, we’re all afraid of him in the family. For instance, one time, he was fixing the door at home. I was helping nearby. He accidentally hit his hand with the hammer. And out of nowhere, I got slapped. But I didn’t dare to resist, I just silently wiped away my tears. But later, when his mood improved, he’d come to comfort me. He never apologizes, he just becomes gentle again. I know, that’s his way of apologizing. But, I’ve never forgiven him for it.
He’s also a dad who never praises his own children. I grew up listening to him praise other people’s kids. Even if I was more outstanding than them, he could always find my flaws, making my strengths worthless.
I remember it was in the third year of middle school. That year’s math exam, I performed exceptionally well. I even thought I could get a perfect score. So, I confidently told my dad that I was going to get a perfect score in math. He just said ‘Let’s see when the results come out’. When the results came out, I realized I missed one multiple-choice question and missed out on a perfect score. But I still had the highest score in the grade. When I proudly handed him my report card, saying I was the top of the class, I remember very clearly, he said ‘You said you could get a perfect score in math’. At that moment, I felt both angry and helpless. As if I had done something wrong, I had to admit, in a low voice, that I missed one question. This kind of example was not uncommon when I was a child.
I’ve been trying hard since I was little to prove myself in front of him. To prove that I’m better than those kids he praised. Hoping to get his approval. Hoping to hear him say ‘You’re great’. But all of this is just wishful thinking. Only my mom never hesitates to praise and be proud of me. I once asked my mom why I never get my dad’s approval. She didn’t answer my question. She just corrected me, saying ‘Your dad is just shy about expressing himself, so he has never expressed his appreciation to you in person. But believe me, your dad is never stingy with his praise for you in front of others’. But I don’t understand, why would a father be shy about expressing his appreciation for his son in person?
Later, as I grew older, I became more aware of the toxic parent-child relationship. I no longer wanted to prove anything to my dad. I no longer needed his praise and approval. But still, the impact he had on me continues to affect me to this day. I’ve found that even though my adult self no longer feels the need to prove myself to my dad, I still seek validation from others, such as friends, partners, and colleagues. Even though I don’t actually need to prove myself to anyone. It’s as if the little boy who craved his dad’s approval is still deep within me, never growing up.
Moreover, this has led me to become extremely insecure and afraid of disappointing others as I grew up. Consequently, I’ve always been cautious in my actions, afraid of inadvertently letting others down. I’m terrified of being looked at with disappointment by others. I just hope to make them happy and satisfied.
I’m not saying all of this to blame my dad for everything. It’s just that he’s been an insurmountable obstacle in my life, always looming in front of me. Whenever I think of him, it’s never happy memories. Even dreams of him are nightmares. It’s hard for me not to attribute many things to his neglect.
I feel like the only good thing he has done for me is to constantly remind myself not to become the kind of father he is. Even though I don’t have children now, nor do I plan to. I also remind myself not to become the kind of husband he is. I remind myself to be grateful every day for the love I receive from my loved ones. And not to be stingy in expressing love to others. I remind myself to always remember to give affirmation and appreciation to others.
Lastly, I want to say to my dad ‘Hey dad, thank you for raising me, for the love you never expressed verbally, and for being a lesson in how to express appreciation openly. But I’m sorry, I can’t love you’.
