Keep the recent past in the past.
Honestly, babe, we both have our flaws. I can be overly sensitive, I don’t always clean up after myself, and I banned you from ever speaking to any of your old high school friends. And then there’s your flaw, which is that you’re constantly reminding me of all the horrible things I’ve done.
You keep saying, “a large majority of the horrible things you’ve done happened yesterday”, and I’m no expert on time, but “yesterday” sounds like the past to me. …
THE JUDGE: We are now ready for the sentencing.
HAMBURGLAR: I’m just glad the lawyers are through with me, I’m tired of being grilled!
(WHEREUPON THERE IS A NOTABLE LACK OF LAUGHTER FROM THE AUDIENCE.)
THE JUDGE: The Jury has found you guilty on 500 counts of hamburger thievery. I have chosen to sentence you to the maximum amount of time that can be given for a crime of this nature, 4 months of community service.
HAMBURGLAR: This is an outrage!
THE JUDGE: I assure you, it is a more than fair punishment —
HAMBURGLAR: A fair punishment!? You’re giving…
What if you found out Laura Dern owned you?
Dear Ms. Laura Dern,
I’m afraid I’ve been a bad boy. It’s not that I believe I am a bad dog, I am a perfectly average dog. But, that is the problem. I have spent my life believing I was an average dog belonging to an average person. A regular, worthless, human who deserved nothing better than a mutt like me.
Then I found out that I belonged to 3-time Oscar nominee Laura Dern.
That brings me to why I’m writing this letter — to inform you that I will be…
Staying safe from the otherworldly has never been easier.
Hello, and welcome to screenwriting 101. I’m a painfully unsuccessful screenwriter, and I’ll be your professor this semester. Here are my top tips.