THE FOLLOWING IS AN OPEN LETTER TO THE LEADERS OF THE ISLAMIC REPUBLIC OF IRAN:

Dear Doctor Zarif,

I’m in a relationship with a wonderful woman going on four years now, let’s call her Gwendolynn. We live together and she is smart, funny, sexy and has a great job—you may not be aware of this, but women having jobs is a pretty common thing in the United States—here’s the problem, I want to get engaged, but she has a son from a previous marriage—let’s call him Cody—who just does not give me the respect I deserve. Gwendolynn was married before and had Cody previous to our relationship—in America a woman or man may obtain a “divorce” from a judge when one or both parties decides their relationship just isn’t working out, often children suffer during this process — Cody’s father is not in the picture and as such, I think Gwendolynn spoils Cody and just won’t listen to me when I tell her how he behaves. Just the other night he told me to “eat shit” when I told him to stop playing Mario Kart (a popular video game—a form of electronic interactive entertainment— where the object is to help a monkey or an Italian win a race). I feel awkward about disciplining someone else’s child, but his disrespect and constant tantrums have made it so that Gwendolynn and I hardly ever have sex (a procedure by which couples in the United States may express their love for one another in a physical way.) She insists that Cody comes first and that she can’t give up her eight year old for adoption, but I don’t know if I can go through with the proposal if I’ll have to live with this butterball for another ten years. How do I turn Cody from a bad toy to top boy? Please help.

I hope this letter enriches your knowledge of our constitutional system.