THE BODY LEADING, EMASCULATION, REBIRTH & LEGACY
I’m about to embark on 7 weeks within the magical land of South America, to immerse in ceremonies, plant medicine, Sacred sites and return with the seeds of the legacy I will create in this life, and the preparation for this these past couple of months has been HUGE.
In the lead up to this trip, there’s been so much happening internally for me. As soon as I returned from my last trip back from South Africa, I have had one of my deepest healing spirals taking place. It lead me back into the deep, dark void within myself to review patterns, behaviours, coping mechanisms and fragmented parts of me wishing to be integrated in new ways. What have I learnt…
THE BODY HEALS IN DIFFERENT WAYS
Over this period I have experienced a shift in allowing my body to lead the show. She is taking front stage and I can not have it any other way now. I have seen how this is a big part of the ‘healthy feminine’ integrating at this part of my own journey. I used to have such a different relationship with my body, thinking it was only a temporary part of my spiritual journey that would leave me after this life, to not listening to her subtle cues and messages, to placing my goals before her needs, to abusing her with the wrong foods, passing her over sexually without love being involved and over-exercising.
We are developing a much different relationship now.
My body and the relationship I have with her is now the most important relationship I have in the world. I now tune in and feel her before the decisions I make. Listen to her subtle cues, messages and intuitive wisdom she speaks to me through a hunch in my belly, heart palpitations as she picks up something not being right, clenching in my womb when it’s a no and a lightness when it’s a yes. She holds so much wisdom, more than I can see with my own two eyes. She can sense the unseen, and when I am present, I am becoming clearer than ever before on how to read and understand this secret language we both have between us.
These past couple of months she became more sensitive than she has ever before. Healing deep sexual trauma, the smallest of incidents in my environment began to trigger unconscious memories through my day to day environment. I observed, watched her responses and reactions, as she was calling me to truly feel through what I had been holding in my womb and sexual organs for some time now. Betrayal, abandonment, when I had given my power away, when I had seeked love outside of myself, when I used my sexuality to gain attention and to fill a void within myself, letting go of past lovers and feeling through all the layers of protection I had placed around my heart thinking it would keep me safe from feeling the pain I had felt before (which instead only stops us from experiencing true love). Thinking also this would keep me safe from something bad happening if there were a time when I couldn’t voice my no like I hadn’t been able to in the past. This wasn’t like when I had healed parts of my journey before. My body wanted to facilitate this healing journey herself. She wanted to be connected in new ways, embraced by my own arms, the sore and tender parts felt within, trauma released with black obsidian pleasure wands, breathed into and then danced out with the shaking of my hips with belly dancing. She had a hold of me and she pulled, tugging me down into the deep, moist, fertile grounds of the underworld, and of my unconscious, illuminating parts of me I had never seen before that were playing out in my life.
This spiral is still continuing, but on the other side of some of the darkest weeks in this time, I have a stronger relationship with my body than ever before and brand new definition of power that is integrating within me now…
When I can allow myself to know that every feeling within my body is welcome, the ‘good’, the ‘bad’, I get to see the whole picture. Rather than only wishing to see what I think is ‘acceptable’, I can instead look at all of the messages that she is sharing with me. Some may be from my past and triggers, others could be related to present day. When I allow myself to actually see and feel them all, I am able to rise above the moving parts, and look at the higher perspective. From this place, I can then honour what is needing to be expressed, or truly act upon the wisdom my body is trying to share with me. Rather than acting, speaking or making my next choice based on solely the ‘acceptable’ part of the feelings which could be for example more reflective of what I think I ‘should be doing or saying’ I can instead see what is true for me in this moment. It’s been a new way to truly reclaim and tap into my truth in much deeper ways.
I caught sight of where I compensate with the wish for others to feel safe, loved, heard, valued and this can sometimes be at the expense of myself.
I caught sight of where I people please.
I caught sight of where I place my power outside of myself. Thinking my strength came from a place of being and doing what I ‘should’ be doing or saying, or with what others may think is acceptable in that moment. In this, I saw I betrayed my own truth, how my body truly felt, and my own feelings around things. My power is in speaking, acting and living from deeply within my body’s experiences.
My power comes from feeling EVERYTHING. Fucking everything. That is true Feminine power, when we can allow ourselves to be a chaotic, destructive, poetic, raging, subtle, sensual, joyous, powerhouse. All shades, ranges, spectrums. Feel it ALL. When we can feel it all, and allow every single emotion, feeling, desire, temptation and angst to be felt within us, and hold this, dance with this, and live from the wisdom it shares, we have met our power.
I met the self sabotaging and distrustful part that wishes to separate from people, experiences, feelings and learnt how to integrate her. In her healthy state, she is my true Feminine power, now she has a voice, and her wisdom is what I allow to lead my every action now. Becoming present now to be able to respond from this place, rather than react through the world, is now the direction me and her are now moving towards together from here…
EMASCULATION OF MEN
Another theme that popped its head within these months was the subtle (and perhaps not so subtle at times) ways that I emasculated the masculine, not only in my exterior world, but my own inner man too.
Your inner man and inner woman have been at war, they are both wounded and tired and in need of care. It is time to put down the sword that divides them in two — Maureen Murdoch
I don’t know exactly what happened as soon as I landed that plane from South Africa to Australia, but it was like as soon as I landed and got back into the corporate world — every damn man was triggering something in me! I was observing how angry I was becoming, when they tried to speak over me, wanting to re-iterate plans I made in their own words to make it sound like it was their plan, wishing to lead projects in their own way, neglecting ideas, power plays and more…
The universe conspired a stack load of events from clients, stakeholders and close people to me, just to test how much was I willing to see how this dynamic played out within my life, inwardly and externally.
If this is the first time you’re hearing the word emasculation, let me share a little more about this here for you…
In wishing to be the masculine’s equal — you may be actually robbing them of their manhood altogether.
- Do you belittle what’s important to the males in your life? father, brothers, friends, co-workers, partnee..
- Ask them for help, then do it your own way… dismiss their ideas, are not willing to ask for their advice, caught up in thinking you know better and not willing to give recognition to them when they have amazing solutions to your problems they are trying to fix for you…
- Ask other men for their help instead…
- Put them down in front of groups of people, or infuse power plays within conversations to assert your superiority
- Act like they have no feelings and aren’t just as sensitive as we are? Expressing criticisms, using harsh tones in communicating or be short to inflict negative feelings to make them feel small
- Making a huge point about something they have done that isn’t up to where you want it to be to make them feel less then, not enough etc…
Emasculation — this could be a whole blog post on it’s own, or even a whole damn series! I am still immersing in, learning and re-wiring all the behaviours I have adopted around this! It’s huge. I saw how different dynamics like this started to play out. Why? It started a lot in the corporate world to feel safe and like I was worthy of a seat at the table within a predominantly masculine dominated industry, I can see in hindsight that I had adopted many of these behaviours to gain a sense of confidence, self esteem and find my voice — but I now know this doesn’t have to be the way. Not within my career, personal or family relationships. It’s been so unconscious to me, I didn’t even know it was playing it out and no one else was pointing it out for me either, but I sat in ceremony one day and BAM! I saw it as clear as day.
I was intrigued to find out how and why this is playing out today…
Some writers who speak on this topic say that emasculation has become more predominant since the second wave of feminism in the 1960s, with feminine equality meaning that women could be the breadwinner and a man’s role as a provider becoming threatened. But, then there are other trains of thoughts that suggest this is something which has a much deeper underlying biological gender role cause at play. This argument suggest that a man’s biological need is to spread his seed into many women to ensure the greatest chance of a healthy offspring. A woman’s biological need is to get pregnant, carrying the child and raising it. A man can have as many women as he wants if he so chooses to, whereas a woman can only carry one child at a time. When a woman finds her man to carry her child, she may feel that if he stays confident and secure, that he may eventually leave her because he has many options, so this is when the emasculation can play out within relationships. A woman may emasculate her man, because of this, plus many many other reasons…
So, let me just make one thing clear…
This is not something I know of first hand, with the above example from a biological perspective, and something I am still pondering, but it is what I have been reading about how this emasculation can play out! Wow — it’s really opened my eyes.
When you’re in a relationship that is emotionally stable, two people can override this type of behaviour with power plays, but it has been super interesting to understand and contemplate how these different biological needs can play out within relationships.
On the topic of emasculation — think of the relationship with your father? Are any of these behaviours playing out there?
Now — what’s the relationship look like with your own inner man?
Are you willing to provide for yourself?
Are you willing to listen to your own intuitive knowing of the direction you are to take in your life? do you trust yourself enough to take this direction?
How clear are you on the purpose of your life? do you have a healthy relationship within yourself to remain clear, focused and create plans to achieve goals within your life?
Since then — I have gone so far to take a vow to give up the emasculation of men, and my own inner man. Our power, does not need to come at the expense of making anyone else feel smaller.
‘She vowed to go give up emasculating men. She vowed to heal the war between the masculine and feminine within herself. In reclaiming her feminine power, she chose not to take the power from the masculine as she did so. Having operated from a myth of inferiority, society denigrating feminine qualities, she too was deluded in this same notion. Seeing herself, and operating from this place of inferiority. She thought if she just did more, tried harder, was a good girl, achieved those girls, wore that suit, drove that car… if…. if…. if… she would be enough. An addiction to perfection. Externally succeeding, unconsciously internally bleeding dry of her true nature. Over compensation and over working. Thinking she had to live up to the standards of intelligence, physical attractiveness and achievement to fit the image of an ideal person. Thinking her unique qualities may indeed be the problem and something she had to solve in order to be enough. She thought she had to think like men, compete with men, and be the same as men. Sucked in to a paradigm of what it was to be a female. A devaluation of women on an outer level, felt inwardly within her, reflected through how she perceived her feminine essence.
She let go of seeing herself as inferior, and instead grieved the separation from the feminine within her wn being, whilst claiming those lost treasures. Re-connecting with the depth, fullness, self love, self respect and connection to the inner core of her true being she’d lost touch with. She whispered from her heart — Grandmother Spider, and web weaver, plant and nurture the seeds for me to discover the true meaning of life, so I can re-remember who I truly am and my responsibility as a keeper of this planet’ — writings by me this month in my process
LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE
When we are caught in the deepest, dark void— one thing will always be our saviour — laughter. Time and time again, I see this as the case!
If you’re in a bad place, then call out to your support bases — family, friends, places where people who are likeminded hang out and get immersed in their energy…
How can you look at what is unfolding in your life in a way that is more lighthearted?
How can you ditch the story of … why the fuck is this happening to me … to shit, what if this was happening for me, what is possible then from that new viewpoint?
How can you do something to start every single day that will light you up and connect you with the spark of joy in your hearr? Now can you commit to this for the next 28 days?
Follow Instagram pages, YouTube channels, Facebook pages that post funny and inspiring posts— and get yourself a dose of that, laugh your little heart out baby… just laugh, I promise every single day it will make every dark day a little better… and encourage you to laugh at yourself in all your shades too. Get yourself some really rocking tunes, shake your booty, shake your hips… and just freaking see how god damn gorgeous, beautiful and alive you are — this life is to be lived to FEEL GOOD, not just for your study timelines, weekly grocery list, slim waistline, or any of the other things that have you feeling heavy under a stack load of responsibiltiies… it’s meant to be lived in a way that FEELS GOOD!!!
For me — I went to a belly dancing workshop and shaked my hips so much, my booty was sore the next day, awakening shakti moving through me, feeling my sensual nature in new and beautiful ways, connecting with sisters and just having the most YUMMIEST time!
Movement really can be such beautiful medicine, to be able to get out of our head, and into our hearts and bodies. We can shift so much, awakening our life force energy, letting go of where we are over analysing, making space within our bodies for new insights to move in and opening up more pleasure to be experienced. You don’t even need to wait until a belly dance workshop to do this — just YouTube belly dancing, and start moving your hips, or head to spotify and get a playlist on, and dance your bod like you’ve never danced it before!
RE-BIRTH & MY LEGACY
On a finishing note, I had my 26th birthday. 26 YEARS. Wow — it was such a strange birthday this year. My menstruation cycle extended 2 weeks longer than usual, as I was taken emotionally through reviewing different past events throughout my entire life. It was like every part of my future where I was still holding on, was being asked to be let go so that I could truly just allow myself to step into my truth, and what the future was calling for me.
I’m super proud of where I’ve come to in my own life and the deeper levels of respect and self love I have. Yet, I’m also in a space to truly connect in with my life mission now, one that’s been calling me for the past couple of years, which I’ve yet fear detour me from taking the leap towards. And yes, this is what I am so excited about with Peru… A NEW VERSION OF ME IS COMING — SHE IS WAITING FOR ME, in fact she already lives within me, I’m just getting to meet her once more.
But, to truly let her in, and allow for her to be embodied, I am being asked to let go of everything I thought I was, everything I have been, everything I thought I would be, all constraints, mental limitations, logical ideas and beliefs burnt to the ground…
This has again been such an internal process. My body has been leading this process, through sitting in ceremony connecting with my heart and womb, being shown visions, listening to the whispers and following the breadcrumbs of guidance from my higher self to greater knowledge.
There’s so much more I could say around this, but my fingers are slowing, and I am being guided to ease up here now + I am looking forward to sharing my medicine with you all in new ways when I return.
Within Peru I will be grounding my life mission, by this I mean RE-remembering my essence in deeper ways. I’ll be sotring in circle with Andean Grandmothers, learning from a 106 year old elder in the Apu’s, immersing in plant medicine, sweat lodges, sacred sites, Shamanic ceremonies, connecting with the magical land of South America and listening to those whispers… feeling the silent pull of where I am to move to next…
I am returning with the seeds of my legacy. This is my intention.
I am ready to begin working step by step, with the legacy my Soul wishes to leave within this life — a creation, my true essence embodies, that will leave a lasting impact, that is birthed from being embodied within me, an extension of my essence, a creative infusion of me, to be shared…
We each hold this type of medicine, and we each came here to leave a legacy in our own unique way…
So what is the legacy you are being called to leave? As Jack Delosa says, when what we do is fuelled by who we are is, this is when we will do our life’s best work — one of my favourite quotes, and the words I’ll leave you with now…
Lots of love. Xx