How To Kill a Vampire

The following is about Vampires. Not the blood sucking, virgin seeking, night dwelling creatures as portrayed by Kiefer Sutherland in the 1987 cult classic The lost Boys, but the real, life-sucking, energy draining Vampires. I would like to shed some light on this heavily overlooked creature, where it dwells, its prey of choice and simple guidelines on how to best avoid them. If however, you unfortunately happen to stumble across one throughout the duration of your lifetime (which I’m sure most of you will) I will divulge vital information on how to defend yourself from their merciless attacks.
Wikipedia defines Vampires as ‘beings which feed on life essence’. Although portrayed in most fictional novels and movies as sabre-toothed creatures with long claws, pale skin and albino eyes, real life vampires are masters of disguise. They walk, talk and dress just like you and me. Unlike their fictional counterparts, real vampires are as active during the day as they are at night, even on weekends and public holidays! So how do you recognise a Vampire? What sets them apart from us common mortals? I shall begin.
In order to safeguard our survival in the event of a full blown battle with the Vampire King himself evolution has gifted us with a defence mechanism known as the ‘fight or flight response’. However, over time the skills to tap into this supernatural power have been lost. Through the development of technology, transportation, nuclear warfare and societal conditioning Homo sapiens have ensured that they are the dominant species and the age old skill of Vampire hunting has been lost in the annals of history. However, these sneeky Vampires, being masters of disguise, have found ways to infiltrate our borders and attack us in ways we could never have imagined.
A common form of attack from Vampires which you all might have unknowingly been subjected to happens whilst driving. Remember that time you were pleasantly driving down that road when suddenly someone violently drives out into your path? Exactly. A Vampire attack in the first degree. We know this because upon acknowledging the oncoming danger our body tenses up, our heart rate increases, our breath shortens and our body is suddenly prepared for battle. However in this scenario, engagement with the enemy never really happens so you are left fuming. You feel angry, distressed and potentially let out some horrendous battle-cry which you would never repeat to anyone in any other circumstance. This automatic response occurs due to a hormone known as Cortisol. Once let out into the blood stream the body enters battle mode. More blood and oxygen is sent to the muscles and you experience a sort of superhuman strength. Remember those mornings being late and chasing the bus to school? The thought of facing my mother was terrifying, so thanks to this elixir I ran like the wind!
As we grow up, there are many other instances when we are forced into fight or flight mode. However, most of the time the situation does not call for moments of extreme strength or subconscious skills like hitting the brake in time before you hit that oncoming vehicle. Vampires have learnt to strike when you least expect them to. They have resorted to guerrilla tactics and have infiltrated every corner of our daily lives. That person taking extremely long to finish off in the supermarket check-out? Vampire. That needy client always rejecting your proposals and asking for ridiculous discounts? Vampire. Your current girlfriend always passing those cheeky deprecating comments? Vampire. Your boss always passing on urgent work just before you head off home? Vampire. That friend always bringing you down? Vampire! It’s time for some counter-strikes!
So how do you kill a vampire? First of all, you need to identify the enemy. Awareness is your primary weapon. Realise when you are about to enter fight or flight. Acknowledge it and take a step back. Like learning to ride a bike, developing the skills to manage stress takes time and dedication. You need to practice and don’t be hard on yourself when you fail. Failure is a key component. Don’t beat yourself up for freaking out, running away or succumbing to the enemy’s demands. Learn from the experience. Don’t look at your failed relationship as time wasted. See it through the lens of unconditional love. Vampires particularly despise this weapon because they feed off your hatred towards them. The more heated up you get, the stronger they become. Take a deep breath in and with all the time in the world let them know how they are making you feel. Transparent communication causes them to scramble since they only communicate in ways that are intended to manipulate and deceive. Slowly you are developing the skills to be a Master Knight. A Jedi of some sort. Obi-wan would be proud.
Training to be a master vampire slayer consists of a few simple yet essential forms of action. Firstly, regular exercise is necessary to re-calibrate cortisol levels in your blood stream. Moving the body, increasing your heart rate and metabolism allows for the body to return to its natural state of being. Prolonged exposure to cortisol in the blood has been attributed to numerous diseases and health conditions. Be aware that when cortisol enters the blood stream a number of bodily functions are suspended. These include your immune system, your appetite is depleted and your desire for sex is temporarily put on hold, just to name a few. So it is really important to expel that stress inducing hormone from your body.
Next, meditation will teach you the skills to be a master swordsman. Take the time to sit with yourself and allow your focus to settle on your breath. This exercise will empower you to engage with a Vampire directly and effectively. During meditation many thoughts will come up, a voice in your head will encourage you to procrastinate. This is the voice of your little self. It is what limits you, it is the voice of the Vampire inside each and every one of us. Like Gandalf on the bridge, you must stand your ground. Don’t succumb to its attacks. The secret here is self-love. Just as I mentioned earlier, a loving response always defeats a Vampire. Turn this weapon onto yourself and witness your own personal growth. The moment you notice that familiar feeling start to come up, like taming a wild horse, take hold of the reins and shout out ‘STAY’! Slowly and steadily you are on your way to becoming a defender of the galaxy.
Once you have developed the skills required you will notice considerable changes in your life. You might enjoy spending more time alone and in silence. You are more attuned to nature and crave being surround by the natural, you dedicate more of your time to activities which give you a greater sense of purpose and joy. You feel empowered and invincible. Suddenly like a beam of light from a light house people approach you. They are curious and intrigued by you. They listen attentively to what you have to say and they gaze upon you with with eyes full of admiration. You are a beacon to mankind.
Finally, as Master Knight it is your solemn duty to pass on your knowledge. Share your secrets. Love unconditionally and be grateful towards your enemies for they are the ones who have summoned you on this journey to self awareness and growth. Invite them into your home and build a world together. Only then can we ensure the stability of our planet.
