You forgot it was the Ides of March. Now you’re seeing the flood of friends’ posting about it and freaking out because you forgot to get a gift or plan an Ides Party or do anything.
“Don’t worry, we’ve got your back.”
Hallmark may have commodified the Ides of March, but that doesn’t mean we can’t still celebrate the true meaning of the season. After all, how often do we get the opportunity to celebrate the ancient Roman deity Anna Perenna marking the first full moon of the year according to the classic Roman lunar calendar? Exactly. Once…
Just bring a №2 Pencil, your unchecked privilege, and a duffel full of cash.
General Directions for the “Student”:
At midnight I crawled out into the little patch of grass that’s between the sidewalk and the street and dug about an elbow’s length down, dropped the capsule, and covered it back up with dirt and dead leaves and handfuls of extra [unusable] “I Voted” bracelet.
(It’s a long story, but the bracelets had typos and now read “I Vetoed” which doesn’t send the same unifying message but was maybe closer to the truth.)
This wasn’t my first time capsule.
I buried THIS time capsule because, among other things, I didn’t want to forget about JB Pritzker’s Toilet Tax Evasion…
Keeping a Dream Journal is a great way to get to know your own mind, and after a few months of diligent record keeping you will begin to read the symbols of your own subconscious like a very odd open book. For example, dreaming about your teeth falling out can mean you’re anxious while being naked in a dream can be a sign of embarrassment! Unfortunately, I don’t have fucking clue what all these musketeers mean.
Like practically most normal people, I finish entire novels using only bathroom-reading time. Whole chapters literally wizzing right by me in a single sitting and/or standing! Writing is a bit more difficult, but you never know when inspiration will strike. Half of the inspiration that strikes me is in my SLEEP, which tells you a lot about SOMETHING. HECK, I’d sleep all the time if I could stay awake for it! Anyway, there I was, pooping, when the idea slammed into my brain. BOOM.
It’s simple, so obvious, I was surprised nobody had thought of it before. I…
Drawings taped to the walls, dogeared books on the shelves, the view from the windows; all evidence of that sudden Claritin-Cleared-strangeness of being a guest in your old room. I want proof of refreshed eyes making old things new. My cellphone data isn’t working at home, so if I want to send a text I have to walk outside, cross the street, and stand on the curb of the college campus to get a signal. A WiFisland. Then, if I want to check to see if someone has responded, I have to do it all again. Pacing with a purpose…
So. Like a lot of folks, you were furious when you heard that Cambridge Analytica used Facebook data without your permission. After drafting & deleting three Tweets that made fun of the name “Cambridge Analytica”*, you decided it was time to really demonstrate your rage and #deletefacebook. Unfortunately, your #deletefacebook post has now received a Beach-Proposal-With-Celebrity-Puppies-Beneath-The-Northern-Freaking-Lights Amount of Likes.
Do you savour this moment or ride the wave of adoration into the sunset of deletion?
Here are three quick things to think about now that you’re having second thoughts about #actuallydeletingyourFacebook:
Marriage is a difficult journey, but a rudimentary knowledge of Multiverse Theory will definitely make it an easier one. Once I started exploring the possibility of a quantum multi-verse, in which a new universe is created every time a new decision is made, I realized that there might be multiple realities where Megan and I are still together.
This gives me hope because it is science.
As my life is falling apart, there’s another reality where I’m really pulling it all back together. Fun! Theoretically, I learned from Wikipedia, there exists a reality in which I helped with household chores…
The notification appeared at 9:48am on Thursday morning and people started noticing it shortly after.
“I guess I assumed it meant he was glad that it was happening? Or maybe he’s just like, generally interested in St. Patrick’s Day? I don’t know. Honestly? I’m baffled,” said party host “Amanda”.
“Amanda” asked for us to use a different name to protect her identity as well as the location of the party. She hasn’t told her parents Michael and Donna Chesterton, that she’s having it. …
It all started as a fun art project. I would take a photo of myself every day for a year and then at the end of the year I would make a fun video, maybe ironically edited to Nickelback’s Photograph? Or un-ironically to the Sufjan Steven’s song from Call Me By Your Name and/or I, Tonya?
Sorry. I’m distracted. Being at 7% will do that to you.
You’re probably wondering, why don’t I just re-charge??
Uh…Well. First of all…I’ve been like…really busy.
Plus it’s been cold outside, so sometimes I’ll take a photo of myself when my soul was at…