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I began reading this with a smile on my face, then I realised it actually wasn’t a satire piece!

You begin with: “That’s right, blockchains are worth one hundred billion dollars… and no one knows what the fuck they’re for!”

Contrary to your thesis, the main purpose of a blockchain is fraud prevention. Everledger [1] is in place to prevent diamond-related fraud and the connected bloodshed. Luxtag [2] is in place to prevent counterfeiting of luxury goods.

Bitcoin was created for the purpose of preventing banks and governments perpetrating large-scale fraud on the people [3].

How these technologies are used is up to us.