I began reading this with a smile on my face, then I realised it actually wasn’t a satire piece!
You begin with: “That’s right, blockchains are worth one hundred billion dollars… and no one knows what the fuck they’re for!”
Contrary to your thesis, the main purpose of a blockchain is fraud prevention. Everledger  is in place to prevent diamond-related fraud and the connected bloodshed. Luxtag  is in place to prevent counterfeiting of luxury goods.
Bitcoin was created for the purpose of preventing banks and governments perpetrating large-scale fraud on the people .
How these technologies are used is up to us.