Hard Lesson #2: You have to realize you suck, to stop sucking

Willxgirl
Willxgirl
Sep 2, 2018 · 4 min read

A few weeks ago, I wrote a blog highlighting the basic importance of accountability. I briefly touched on the benefits and growth that could come from taking responsibility for your own actions. When I wrote that piece, I was more or less writing a self reflection.

I’ve always considered myself a very self-aware person. And this awareness is what motivated me to start the “Hard Lessons” series in the first place. I wanted to share my experiences and life lessons with anyone who was willing to read, but even after the very first post I find myself stuck in this limbo of “what now?”.

I know what I’ve been doing, I know what I need to do, and I know how to do it. So why aren’t I doing it?

The honest answer is, I’m very hurt.

As beautiful as self discovery can be, it can also be very ugly. When you take a real look at your actions, thoughts and emotions, and see how they’ve affected your overall experience through life as a whole, you look at past experiences from a whole new perspective. And the weight of all your choices, good or bad, sets itself heavy on your shoulders.

For me, this caused a series of emotional reactions, most of which were negative and centered around a certain theme: almost everyone around me, is a piece of shit. And then I’d think some more, and that theme would shift into something much more harder to accept: I’M a piece of shit.

Do I actually believe I’m scum? No. I think that, despite the numerous flaws I have, I’m a “decent” person. However, when I accepted my choices for what they were, and took on the task of examining how my choices have directly impacted me, I become cognizant of just how badly I’ve been treating myself. Said in a less negative way, I realized I could be and could’ve been doing a whole lot better.

You know that god-awful feeling that comes from realizing someone you’re very close to you has done something heartbreaking? Whether it was betray your trust, steal from you, lie to you or anything that could hurt you or impact you mentally and materialistically in a negative way? That feeling that comes from realizing you’ve been betrayed, overlooked, stepped on and abused could be one of the worst feelings someone could ever experience.

This is how I’ve been feeling towards myself after realizing that my current state of being, was my own fault.

To say it’s been hard is an understatement. Over the past several weeks I’ve found myself struggling with feelings of extreme frustration, low self-esteem, and just of an overall feeling of “How could you, and why would you do this…to you?”.

Figuring out the answer was a difficult, interesting and extremely necessary process, and to say it in short, I discovered that I honestly didn’t know any better. But I know better now, and thus comes the even harder part: actually taking action.

With any heartbreak, healing the wounds inflicted takes time. Not just time, but consistency in changing the bandages, doing the physical therapy and setting up and sticking to boundaries to try to limit the possibility of the damage being done again. And none of which mentioned, can happen, without forgiveness. With forgiveness comes peace of mind. “Moving on”, “letting go”, “pushing forward” or any other phrase that describes the progress made after shifting your mindset from “I can’t believe this is happening!” to “That happened. I accept that that happened. And this is what I will do next time.”

When I envision me at my best, the image is so clear and solid, that I can almost touch and smell my future self. I can hear her laugh, I can hear her speak and I get more and more inspired to become her every time I think of her. But I cannot get there if I don’t heal my own wounds. And forgive myself for inflicting them. It’s the only way I’ll become who my Will intends for me to be.


See a typo? Let me know so I can fix it. Thanks! Happy reading.


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