how to not fall in love

I googled this the other day and amazingly didn’t see an article by this name. Therefore, I wrote one. You’re welcome, lovers.

OK. Firstly: Don’t look at people in their eyes. That’s key. Do not engage in any eye-to-eye contact. Don’t notice their eye color, don’t even let your eyes linger anywhere near their face.

DO. NOT. Listen to music together. That’s probably more critical than the eye thing. Because if you start sharing your musical tastes with one another, and discover you have a similar taste, you’re going to start having some feelings. You might be inspired to make a mix tape for them. Or whatever the equivalent of that is on Spotify. If you start getting the urge, shut that shit down.

Don’t share. You might think that sharing is going to feel good? Yea, what’s going to happen is actually A) you’ll make yourself like someone more by convincing yourself that they care about your share, and B) you’ll freak them the fuck out. Nobody really wants to hear your sad story.

That sad story that’s getting you down? Stuff it. Just wad it up and cram it really deep down in there. Because needing an out from your sad story is going to open you up to an out, and 9 times out of 10 that out is not love, but a deadend.

Don’t believe someone when they say shit like, “your eyes are really interesting”. Don’t be flattered when they laugh at your jokes. Don’t mistake a late night emoticon-filled text with an indication of genuine interest. Your eyes aren’t interesting, your jokes aren’t that fucking funny, and late night texts don’t count. Especially if they have emoticons in them.

Jesus, girl. This isn’t your first rodeo.

When you find your mind starting to wander to eye color and music choices, despite your best efforts to follow the basic guidelines set up above, be the master of your brain. Don’t allow it to wallow. Redirect it to something more useful and less painful, like your friends’ sad stories, or your out of control tupperware cupboard.

Say no more than yes. And definitely say no to sex. You might want to say yes, your body needs you to say yes to sex. But even kissing will start to melt away at that carapace you’ve been working so hard on for so long. YOU NEED THAT! No kissing!

Find that healthy balance between getting drunk to help with the cramming part and getting so drunk that you accidentally look into someone’s eyes, or forget the music rule and share a tune. Or go to a concert together. Or have sex. DON’T FALL INTO THE ALCOHOL TRAP!

If all of these rules aren’t helping you, then you must resort to plan b, which I learned about only today. Find a friend with a Xanax or Lorazepan or one of those. Try one! It’s fucking great! It’ll help with the desire to moon around, crying, and listening to music…which you can’t do if you have kids. Obviously.

And then, the best thing to do? That I’ve found so far? When all else fails?

Here it is:

Sit down. Take out your laptop. Start writing.