I Thought I Was Afraid Of Being Alone, It Turns Out I’m Addicted To It

Photo cred: Joshua Earle https://unsplash.com/photos/tUb9a0RB04k

For many reasons, friends, best friends, laughing partners, and everyone else will eventually walk away from our life. Life must go on. Life is a moving thing. Be grateful if you have friends who stick with you, who share your dreams and who always have their time for you. But I think guys like these barely exist. Even twins have different dreams. They have to be apart at some point in their lives.

When I was in college, I had lots of friends. They are still my friends now of course but the numbers of hanging out or karaoke night or playing billiards gradually decreasing over time since our graduation. Last time I went to play at a table was around 7–8 months ago I guess. Could be a year, I don’t know.

I graduated in October 2012, so it’s been over 3 years. A year after we graduated, we still hang out quite frequently. Two years passed, dwindling. After three years, almost never. It’s not like my friends didn’t arrange some agendas for meetups, but sometimes I withdrew myself from them on purpose.

The life as an employee who move out quickly from one company to another has made it difficult for me to establish a friendship with my coworkers. Not to mention that it is harder to trust someone at work. Most college students don’t give a crap about money, savings, or promotions. They just study and have fun with their friends. On the contrary, employees have ambitions which is good but not the kind that makes a friendship awkward.

In accordance to that, I got used to spending more time alone. Going to coffee shops, buying books, visiting clients, traveling to another city far away from home. It doesn’t feel wrong. I just feel that things are supposed to be like this. People come and go. One of the perks of being an introvert is that I feel comfortable doing most of the things alone. Somehow I have become addicted to this act of solitude habit. I’m not talking about online messaging or social media, I still use them frequently. But a real human interaction such as conversations about stories and dreams or even jokes is now a rare thing to me. Talking about weathers and the morning news is merely jibber-jabber, I do that for courtesy and to repress awkward silence. Although it is obviously an interaction, I don’t consider it as a real one. The real one is a heart to heart conversation where thoughts and laughters are both sincere.