.•The Battle for Balance•

I think I can finally see what I have become. I have been so overwhelmed with trying to solve the mystery of how everything is connected, that I began focusing, formulating the facts to fit the equation so that I could finally get the answer; the answer that would. win.me the battle……… but It wasn’t that I had a brain that was borderline genius. It wasn’t my talent or “gift” that allowed me to piece together the puzzle, it was my defects of character that manipulated my mind, my intuition, and closed off the entry of my heart to those who warmed my being with love and support. The lies that I gave so much power to, Just so I could get the answer that I wanted. I spent so much of my life feeling worthless and victimized that I was blind to the fact that my demons were using me, manipulating me; my pride seduced my view into believing that I was the hero In this story when in reality I was just a pawn to the Villain that used fear to cage me. Turning a blind eye to what the true answer to life’s equation was…The answer to the overwhelming problem was the selfish stranger that stared back through the mirror at me; My addiction….. The puppet master…… the voice enslaved me with every twisted thought and every command; fueled by it’s ego, infecting, rotting,what. pure gracious beauty that was my signature to this world. I Lost the part of me that made up my strength, my kindness; I gave away my values. I was so occupied with what all was around me that I forgot that my goal was to work on cleansing the poison from inside me. It doesn’t matter if my calling is to spread love, truth and beauty. To serve others, and fight for the freedom empathy and connection. I have no calling if I am allowing my addiction to call the shots. I am an addict who gave up on changing. I sought validation through men and used my body as currency to pay for my high. I inflicted damage on my sense of worth, relentlessly; so that I could disassociate from my goals and self sabatoge the compassion that was blossoming from inside my heart. I was ungrateful for the love that I had around me, which was all that I had wished for so long……. To not be alone…. To have people think that I was worth something. I became selfish and unkind,consumed with the growing need to numb it all because I didn’t want to see what I was becoming…. Who I was becoming. I became the man I had never thought I would become. I yearned for love from the ones who tried to fix what had happened in the past with “gifts”,wrapped tightly In ribbons of guilt. I. returned the sentiment back to them, with anger and entitlement. I am so sickened by myself I could suffocate under the weight of the shame. I am a flawed man, a man who has many defects, a man who has made countless mistakes. A man who is going to now take responsibility for the way he has acted. I am going to let the shame humble me, let it fuel my fire to solve my problem. I have wasted time going backwards instead of forwards. Time to take a deep breath in and move that foot forward, that first daunting step. I am an am a man with an incurable disease. I need to be kept accountable. I need to not let the hardships consume me and keep on this trying journey to become who I am meant to be.

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