I Started Living When I Let Go
Thoughts on moving forward from a veteran
Like many of you, I’ve had my fair share of terrible days. I’ve spent many days and sleepless obsessing over “what if I’ve done this” or “I should’ve done X or Y” that given me a healthy dose of depression and later turned to PTSD. I suppose it is because I had a need for acknowledgement, support, encouragement, and as well as a sense of control. While these are important, I’ve learned a few things that have helped me get through the really dark days. Hopefully some of these lessons you can use.
Own it and move forward
Sometimes the weight of the world is on our shoulders. We have pressure from work to make profit, we have a family to feed, and other social expectations. Maybe these things were thrust upon you since birth or maybe you put yourself in this environment. You may feel like curling up into a ball in a corner and hope that it goes away. That’s the survivor instinct talking.
The day I started living is when I accepted that I was going to die. Spending hours in a armored vehicle on multiple convoys in Afghanistan gives you ample time to think about vulnerability and mortality. I can recall asking myself on the road “Have I tied all of my loose ends?” or “Did I tell my wife and kids I loved them?”. This is what I wanted, I am a US Marine and this is what we do. I had to accept that at any time, boom, I’m gone.
It is a bit morbid, but that experience taught me one thing, when you are not afraid of dying, you are not afraid of living. All the things that you thought were important, simply are not. That car, the money, the title, it doesn’t matter when you are dead. What matters is how you are going to live and who you are going to live for. For me, that was my family…they are my #1.
- Own the circumstances of your situation
- Understand that we have one life
- Live for our #1
Control what you can, accept what you cannot
One of the things that I’ve struggled with is aligning my expectations of “what it should be” or “what it could be” with reality. I wanted to look at my leadership and say “I want to follow you” or “You are going to take care of me”. I wanted to look at my teammates and say “I have your back and you have mine.” Naive yes, but nonetheless, it wasn’t reality. I’ve had “leaders” who were incompetent, and yet I had to follow their orders. I’ve had teammates who left me to the wolves when it was in their best interest. I was left confused, bitter, angry, and resentful. I learned to adjust my expectations and realized that I cannot control what people project onto me. I can control how I carry myself in the moment and in the aftermath.
While this is a work-related example, the lesson fits in with almost ever other facet of life.
First look at your situation and see what you don’t have control of. Identify the things in your life that you can control and evaluate whether or not changing a thing or two will change your situation.
Take a deep breath and ask yourself these questions:
- Do you want to change it (situation, behavior, etc)?
- If so, what is the probability it will change?
- How much energy do you want to spend on this?
- Is it really worth it?
- Let go.
While it may take a while, we can take action to improve our dilemma by recognizing what we can and cannot control and develop the steps to improve our situation.
Getting help is not a weakness
If our car is broken, do we not get help at the mechanic? If there is a leak in our roof, do we not get help from the roofer? Getting help for mental health should be no different. The reality is that it is. Depression, PTSD, and other mental health issues are looked at as “weakness”. It is a stigma…you are different from the normal people. I know because I live it…however despite all of this, I ask for help. I let go of what the world tells me because I need to also look after myself. I also need to take care of my #1.
Let go of any notion of being judged. If you need help, ask.
Surround yourself with people who you are inspired by and respect
Life is too short for drama friends. We need to support one another on our journey through life and build each other up. Work towards being involved with people and organizations that really inspire you to be the best version of yourself. Emulate the leadership that you respect and take the opportunities to give back to others when you can.
Everyday is a gift
When you let go, you start looking at the world differently. You appreciate the small things. Maybe it is your significant other’s smile or a brief moment of reflection in the middle of the woods. I hope that you live for your #1 each day and realize that every day, every second is another opportunity to live the way we want to live.
