You will be caught

The future is now, y’all. If you’re one of those “marketers” who loves quick, cheap tricks and gets your “tactics” from “experts” about the latest “effective marketing tip” instead of dealing with your potential buyers in a common-sense, human way, you are toast.

Scraping email addresses from Instagram and then spamming people? Are you for fuckin’ real? In which universe do you live that you think that will generate trust, and therefore, a sale? Are you five? Are you retarded?

Trust and straight dealing are everything, especially online where we can’t see your cute little faces. So you better start working on them now.

Oh, yes. I forgot. You’re building a “start up” where the be-all-end-all is “users”. Live pulse, a plus…but not necessary.

Some of you will make it, by sheer hustlerism. I get it, you’re adorable, probably live in San Francisco, and delightfully douchy enough to fool your “users” and investors.

People are not “users”. They are people. You don’t own them and they really, truly, from the bottom of their hearts don’t give a single steaming shit about your app.

Since you are the type of people who take helicopters to the top of Mount Everest, (paid for by investor’s money, of course) instead of climbing and learning along the way and respecting those along for the ride, here’s some advice. Although, you probably don’t care since I’m an outsider, actually care about building a business for the long-haul, and deeply respect each person I interact with, whether they’ve put money in my pocket or not.

You’re NOT marketers. You’re spammers. Go back to school and learn how it’s done.

Take a break from “disrupting” fuck-all-whatever and learn the arts of being:

  1. Charming
  2. Desirable
  3. Courteous
  4. Trustworthy
  5. Irresistible
  6. Valuable
  7. Helpful
  8. Human
  9. Empathetic

And last, but not least…

10 . Smart

The least you could do is go buy a stolen list of email addresses, like real spammers. Where’s your dignity?

Oh man, I’d love nothing more than to name names here, but Imma keep it classy. Baaahhhh, alright…I’ll give you a hint. One of the spammers made the world’s GREATEST MARKETING APP! I’ll say that again: It’s a marketing app! For professional marketers! If anyone should know better, it’s them! You can’t make this shit up, y’all.

Oh, but it gets so much better! This app they built will automatically follow and “like” people on Instagram, without you lifting a finger! What? Sweet little spammers, is it true? You mean I can pay you to send out a robot to make real humans think I actually give a shit about them?! Someone get the Nobel Prize!

So, let this be your warning cute little spammers…I mean, “professional marketers”. Congratulations on the money. But I will be there with popcorn and a huge, shit-eating grin when your disposable “business” fails spectacularly.

(Damn, I used a lot of quotes in this post.)


My newest crap lives over at write.as/wilt