In Spite of the Crushing Waves!

It was January 6, 2000 — the sixth day of the New Millennium! I can still sense the silence of that catrosophic heartbreaking moment, when I listened to my first born son murdered, at the young age of, 24, — forcing me to embrace the unexplainable pain of his sudden unexpected death, that sought to leave a forever void in my mind, my heart, seeking, pin pointing, it targeted me! My heart, crushing the mere essence of my soul. Indeed, propelling me to face the most dramatic change of and in my life, introducing me to a rushing wave of pain, that I had ever experienced, although, I knew the heartbreak death introduced, I personally had never experienced it. I never thought that I would be facing the unexpected, overwhelming grieve of losing a healthy child, my child to murder!

The intensity of the rushing waves of death had overcome me, I personally compare my experience to the devastation of a Mega Tsunami, though, I have not never been involved in or experienced a Mega Tsunami, I could sense the inevitably hurtful, destructive, nature of it’s force, though one may build again, the deaths attributed to it’s wrath, life of a loved one, is never replaced.

As I fell onto my kitchen floor, I could sense the deafening of my ears, I could not hear, a thing, no sound, I cried out!, God, help my son! as I laid cradle in a fetal position, the paralyzed numbness that I was experiencing had me focused on the fine intricate thin line design of the green and white tile squares of my kitchen floor.

I still ask myself? why would I have such a thought in such an overwhelming moment of absolute, unexplainable, overwhelming pain.

That cool Millennium night engulfed my mere being, one moment, my oldest son and I were talking, and than the next minute, he was asking me to “hold on momma” because some guys were speaking to him his last words spoken, that I could hear, that I still hear, were “what’s up, what’s up!” and than gunshots rang out! He was shot in the back of his beautiful God given head. He died of, Exsanguinations, according, to the corner’s certificate of death.

Although, I have moments of pausing pain, their is no escaping the significant of the Mega Tsunami, impact, of, it’s wrath! in my life, that remains, lodged in my heart!, embracing the pure essence of my soul with it’s everlasting scars of listening to my first born son life being taken!

The sound of gunshots bared down upon me, paralyzing me, propelling me, tossing me, slamming me into a path of debris with no direction or mercy of the lasting bruises and scars left by the intensity of death that I would have to live, endure, and learn to survive the death of my beautiful first born son.

Even as I share my most dramatic moment, I can not comprehend, the hate nor the inner rage of another persons inner emotions to think that they have or had the right in deciding my beautiful sons life expectancy — based on murder.

Although, there still remains no explaining, no explanations, no acceptable justice,

of or for my beautiful sons death, I do know that the 24 years of his young life, he was simply crazy, about his momma, me and he always wanted me happy, Indeed, I miss him.

Regardless of the circumstances of my pain, I’m still here and I have learned to daily embrace every moment of my God given life! clutching my faith in God, my vindicator of real justice! — Simply to breathe!

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