I used to live a life, totally secure.
Now I live a life that I wish was a blur.
That way I can’t focus and overthink.
Because my mind starts to make me shrink.
I bring nothing to anything anymore. A useless shell.
Dragging me back to my own personal hell.
Feeling “discarded” again. Might go read that one.
All the destruction in the wake. Leaving me with “none”.
This head is so cruel. I get why everyone leaves me.
I try so fucking hard. But, it feels like no one believes me.
I can no longer kill myself. So, I wallow in all this pain.
Everyday my head, spinning, thinking, fanning the flame.
Self esteem shattered. But doesn’t feel worth repairing.
Looking in the mirror, hating myself, just staring.
Happiness is just a nice thought. Something that has slipped.
Only small doses from time to time. But, still only a drip.
I wish this poetry did something to help me to be more secure.
But, it’s only a band-aid on a massive wound. Hardly a cure.
Did I ever know how to love? Was I doing it wrong the whole time?
The world is showing me, I’ll never be worth finding one to call mine.
To be numb for a time is really all I’m begging for.
Loneliness is the path I’m now destined for.
Everyone will say, you’re wrong. You’re in your head. I promise.
But then thinking of me as more eludes you. Feels like emotional comets.
Words without actions are simply empty contracts.
Bringing pain to all those it contacts.
Actions not matching words are nothing more than manipulation.
Gripping my throat, mercilessly squeezing. A strangulation.
Gonna just lie here with these emotional beatings.
Giving these demons a lovely emotional feeding.
They will be strong today and probably everyday after.
Gonna do all I can to hide all this behind some laughter.
If you see me and I smile. It’s probably just my mask.
It’s OK. I’m fine. Is all you’ll get now when you ask.
So, I’ll end this one feeling lower than I have ever felt.
But, won’t be able to finish it off with my neck….and my belt.
