I was broken a while ago. I’m asked, why didn’t you call?
Please don’t take it personally. These fuckers had me ready to fall.
The pounding, the beating, it’s so much to take.
They mire me in so much misery. This final step doesn’t feel a mistake.
I sit here with this bottle. Ingesting all these good byes.
Because I was punished so hard for believing all their lies.
More often than not it’s not about dying but getting relief.
I beg for a solution that’s less permanent but also less brief.
To go 3 days without an episode seems so far out.
And some times it all washes over me. Complete blackout.
If I’m telling you about these attempts, I trust you enough to not shame.
I know these fuckers in my head I can’t always Wrangle are to blame.
Just know I’m not me when I’m in that hole.
My mind is lost sometimes. I can no longer control.
The trauma this would cause on many is never lost on me.
But 5 on 1 can make me feel like I’m against a whole army.
I know you’re a resource for me and will drop it all to assist.
I know I’ve touched lives. Created joy. And I will be missed.
So, again, please know you’re a safe place for me to tell.
And know I really am fighting for my life to avoid putting others through hell.
