At the middle of the night. Over 2 am in the morning. I woke up feeling disgusted of myself. Feeling being abandoned. Feeling unhappy. Hatred overwhelmed my mind. I hate myself too much. What I have become? A lust? A useless person who can do nothing to survive? No talent no future no education no tomorrow? How can I live like this? Why did I turn myself into the kind of person I hate the most? Why am I this low? Where is my pride where is myself? Where is the one I’m proud of everyday? Where is that happy girl trying to be better everyday? The competitive girl who always want to move forward? Who loves and treat her body like a ceremony? Who has so much potential and ambition ?
This is not the person I want to become. An useless no future no rules person. An easy woman. Someone who doesn’t love her body. Someone doesn’t care about how she looks and feels.. someone with no family. Someone with no self respect. No value.
I feel so angry with myself. So dissapointed.
Why do I get out of my house? Why do I run away? I need to find myself. I need to stop run away from my problems. I need to face it and take control of my life. I can not be like this any longer. I need to know what I can do, how far I can go..I can not let the monster win, let myself lose. I need to rescue me. I need to decide what kind of a person I want to become and be it.
Start a whole new life and a whole new Person.
Forget everything painful in the past. Moving forward. There is no time to reget the past or live in it. What has past past. Time is limited. Live it fully. Take it carefully.
Respect myself. Never let myself loose again. What makes a person worthy is her strong will to do what she knows is good for her. My wisdom knows what I need to do. I can not waste my life any longer.