birthday blues

My birthday is May 30th. I used to never tell people my birthday because I didn’t think anyone cared. However, when my birthday rolled around, I would become depressed that no one told me happy birthday. My thoughts spiraled into blaming myself because I never told anyone, so how would they know? After crying myself to sleep for many years, I decided that I was making this a bigger problem than necessary. I started telling people when my birthday was if they asked and things gradually got better. But this year was hard.

I recently moved to a new city, which meant new work, new surroundings, and new people. At first I was excited about the opportunity, but I underestimated the impact the change would have on my emotional state. This year, for my 21st, I had major anxiety leading to my birthday. I was only one week into my new job in my new city so no one knew it was actually gonna be my birthday. I felt it wasn’t fair to tell them anyway because I didn’t want them to feel pressured to do something with just meeting me. The people I actually wanted to spend it with were my friends from college, who are 1,030 miles away.

I started feeling unhappy at a level of depression I hadn’t felt in a while. According to Medical News Today, “birthday blues” is real and includes “being tired and unenthusiastic in the days approaching their birthday, feeling sad and unable to figure out a reason why or shake off the sadness, feeling mildly paranoid or anxious beforehand and on the day itself, losing their self-confidence or self-esteem, difficulty concentrating and inability to stop thinking about the approaching birthday, wanting to avoid contact with people, including family and friends, trouble falling asleep or waking in the night thinking about the birthday, and losing their normal appetite.” I felt so many of these symptoms.

The day of my birthday was anticlimactic and the next day was no different. I have been thinking about my 21st for so many years and it just passed by like the rest. However, that weekend, my mom and sister came into town and we celebrated by drinking beer and watching soccer. I had a blast. I finally felt that I had thoroughly enjoyed my birthday, even if it wasn’t on the exact day.

But then my sister left. My mom left. And I was alone. I had no friends in this new city. I had no one to actually enjoy being 21 with. I fell into a deep hole that I haven’t been in since my depression first surfaced in high school. I was numb. I only went to work then home to sleep then repeated the next day.

My emotional downfall seems to be the result of birthday blues and relocation depression. While I have been taking positive strides by doing things that make me happy, my emotional stability has suffered and it may take time to repair.

If you feel depressed or suicidal, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1–800–273–8255.