How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love Myself (1/?)

This is a lesson that I keep re-learning because I’m a forgetful idiot that gets caught up in her own thoughts and feelings: you shouldn’t spend too much time worrying about how others treat you or what they think of you. It’s out of your control, and their behaviour usually has little to do with you anyway. This is not to say that you shouldn’t call people out when they’ve acted in a way that hurts you; you should definitely tell people when they’ve been inconsiderate or unkind. The people that deserve to be in your life will listen and remember that; it will turn out that they didn’t even realize they were being that way to begin with (it’s so easy to get swept away in the gravity of our own personal drama), or that there’s been some miscommunication along the line. It will improve your friendship immensely for both of you to know that you can be open and honest, that you have the patience and will to see and hear each other. These are the kind of people you should give your finite time to.

On the other hand, it’s an extremely helpful life skill to learn to recognize those who will never gain anything from these conversations. You can tell them over and over “I don’t like when you treat me this way”, and it will be as effective as screaming into an open desert sky. They don’t really hear you. They’ll offer you excuses or apologies to ease the difficulty of confrontation, but they won’t change their behaviour because they don’t want to, or they can’t. The reasons vary as to why, but they’re all irrelevant in the end. It’s that person’s choice to make and you can’t change it. Trying to do so will only result in frustration for you and deflection and distance from them. Of course, it hurts to know that not everyone adores you unconditionally or cares all that much about having you around, but that’s just how it is. Railing against this will only leave you with a hoarse voice and an empty heart.

Don’t waste what you have to offer on people like this. It’s fruitless to concern yourself with those who show no concern for you. Try to remember that you do have people that love you and want to share with you the 20 or so good years we have left on this planet before we’re all consumed by some apocalyptic disaster. Do you really want to spend any of that dwindling time on someone who can’t figure out how to reciprocate respect and love? Probably not. Stop waiting for them to realize what they have to lose and don’t let them live in your head or your heart for another moment. Go pet a dog. Take an evening stroll. Call your parents. Drink wine, eat delicious meals, and share laughter with people that choose to let you in. Do this until you find one day that you’ve moved on, and then keep doing it because it makes you feel good and your life is so much better for it.