Settle down!

This idea of being “settled”. What is everyone’s obsession with it? My parents, my friends, my extended family… and most frighteningly, my own.

Every conversation I have these days with anyone — mom, dad, sister and even long lost Facebook friend — touches on this subject.

“Oh I’m just waiting for you to be settled!”

“We’ll do … at the next wedding — which will be yours, God willing.”

“Your wedding has to be in the US. We haven’t been there yet!”

When did asking about my marriage become a ritualized greeting — second only to “how are you”. At least the subject of “how are you” makes sense: I exist. This fictitious fiancé doesn’t.

Don’t get me wrong. I really look forward to marriage. Like many young Indian women, I’ve spent too many car, bus and plane rides lost in thought, planning my dream wedding. I’ve choreographed a Sangeet performance to every Bollywood hit song in the last 2 years with my choreo partner (aka the bathroom mirror). I’ve drafted a guest list, struggling to limit it to a reasonable length. I’ve thought for hours about how to balance my practical, environmentalist side with my inner indulgent princess as I think about decor and venue.

But voluntarily playing the wedding reel in my head is very different than the wedding lenses through which this 25-year-old Indian woman and everyone else around her seems to be seeing the world. It’s like we’re all wearing those GIANT plastic glasses! They look funny to the people on both sides of the lens, are completely dysfunctional, but we wear them anyways — because hey, “trends”!

When you look up the definition of “settled”, you find “adopt a more steady and secure style of life.”

I accept this definition, but not the unwritten one all the Indian aunties and uncles use. When Indians talk about settling down, we mean… well, it depends on your gender. You’re a woman, then marriage. You’re a man, then a steady source of income and eventually, marriage.

This assumed definition of “settling down” for females I take serious issue with, especially when it becomes a life aspiration (read: obsession) for 20-something-year-olds and everyone around them. You see, life is no longer “secure and steady” by marriage. In fact, I know more women in my generation for whom life has become way more difficult as a result of marriage. One of them married someone who’s mom makes Miranda Priestly look like a harmless puppy. Another sacrificed her dreams and well-paying job only to marry a guy whose family it turns out is bankrupt.

I empathize with where our older generations are coming from in their desire to equate marriage to “settling down”. Earlier to be financially secure, have a social life and — quite frankly — to give your life purpose as a woman, you got married. Your husband would be your source of income, your family would be your social circle and your job would be to run the household and to have kids. Not necessarily out of female oppression, but almost… automatically. Just like the sun rose every morning, a woman got married at a certain age. In a society of joint families and well-defined roles, individuality was simply not sought after and this way of life unquestionably applied to all.

Today, however, as a 25-year-old who graduated college and wanted to put that degree to use, I have a well-paying job that gives me financial stability and deep personal satisfaction. I’m fortunate to have a family where I — the daughter — am seen as just that, as another member of the family. Not a burden to be jettisoned. A tight-knit group of immediate and extended family forms my fundamental social circle. And, I have interests (other than children) that give my life purpose. Do I want nothing else? Of course, not! Among many things, I still want my own family, a house of my own and maybe children. Now, I’m not wasting any words to reason with you about whether a woman should or should not want or have these things — whether a woman should be financially independent or seek a purpose other than procreation. I’m saying: this is just how it is today. Financial independence, connecting with individuals and finding purpose outside the home (and maybe in the home too) is a reality that more and more women are living. And the sooner you recognize this as a reality — whether you see it as feminism or a sign of doomsday(?!) — the sooner we can all be freed from this unreasonable burden of feeling “settled” via marriage.

So, as a woman, what does it mean to be “settled” today? I would break it down to three milestones:

• College graduation
• Financial independence
• And, of course, finding a partner

And, ladies, when you recast your definition of being “settled” into those 3 constituents, you realize that you’re never a zero! Most of us are at least a 1, maybe a 2. If you’re dating a person who may just be that special someone (or, at minimum, putting yourself out there and going on dates), you may even be a 2.5!

Doesn’t a 2.5 on 3 sound and feel MUCH better than a zero?!

And truthfully, if you step back for a second — you could toss aside my checklist too and create your own. That’s another beauty of life today; in a world that is increasingly shitting on norms, there’s infinite paths to a “secure and steady” life. There are plenty of people who are financially, socially and existentially secure without any of the above. Maybe you inherited a lot of wealth. Maybe you’re one of those people who didn’t need to go to college to find your purpose. Maybe you’re happy with friends and don’t seek a partner. Heck — maybe you’re among those who don’t really care about a “steady and secure” life, and have decided to embrace a path full of uncertainty to achieve your lifelong dream of starting your own business. But, for most of us who do crave consistency and comfort, at least breaking down the goal of “settling down” into the 3 steps outlined above gives us a line of sight to that elusive objective and a more realistic assessment of where we currently stand in life.

Action item for all my 20-something lady friends out there who are kicking butt: Reflect on your definition of what it means to “settle down”. Either use the one above or write your own! And, most importantly, celebrate every milestone that brings you closer to it. Celebrate your first apartment and buy that fancy Kitchen Aid you promised yourself once you “get settled”. Dip into your wedding budget to throw yourself a bigger 25th birthday bash. Celebrate your first blog post that gets you one step closer to your aspiration of being a writer. I’m just about to do that myself… ;)