I Have a Crush on Twitter

I have a crush on Twitter. Like all good crushes, mine gives me butterflies and brings a flush to my cheek. Most importantly, Twitter keeps my attention by being completely and utterly unattainable. In the crush world, staying attractively elusive requires a deft blend of insult, rejection, and aloof mystery.

The fascination began with my first follow from a stranger. Oh, what sweet validation. My crush had noticed me…even liked me a little. The feeling grew until I swooned at fifty followers. None of whom were required to follow me out of familial compassion or friendly concern. All followers were unknown quantities. The follow was simply because of my contribution. A retweet from a basketball star cemented my status. The heady world of my crush was intoxicating. Alas, a crush, in order to stay a crush, must maintain a sense of being unattainable. Just as I was getting a little too familiar, the first unfollow happened. Rapidly, ten more jumped ship. Devastation set in. Was my crush no longer interested? Did I need to do something more to get noticed? A series of dubious tweets came next. Comments made @ celebrities or tastemakers came swiftly and often. I felt as though I’d put on a garish outfit both ill-fitting and reeking of desperation. Anything to get attention.

This is the juncture where being unattainable turns to cruelty. Past gentle rejection straight to insults. One tries too hard, laughs too loudly, and reeks of desperation. Unfortunately, this is irresistible fodder for that cretinous breed…trolls. My tweets were snarked at — picked apart with venom. Regardless of the intellectual level of the snark-even in the face of total grammatical anarchy, I took each comment to heart. Shrinking with each withering word. My crush had pushed me too far. Self preservation dictated that I turn my back on Twitter. I was reminded of Jim Baker’s words of comfort to his daughter, Samantha, in the seminal Hughes film “Sixteen Candles.” “That’s why they call them crushes. If they were easy, they’d call them something else.”

Reflection allowed for a different point of view. I was able to realize the best part about having a crush on Twitter. Really, to realize the best part of having a crush in general, and it had nothing to do with insults and rejection. Rather, Twitter, in it’s simple glory, belied a vast world just beyond my reach. It is unattainable, the requisite element, but because it is too large for a person to hold. In a life with borders that increase with each decision made, Twitter grants windows to brilliant minds, beautiful scenes, and funny voices. At any time, I can look at a world so stunning in its scope as to truly leave me breathless. I am consistently surprised, entertained, and enlightened. All the while, welcomed to make my own mark. Indeed, I have a crush on Twitter and my world is a bit better because of it.