With All Due Honesty #2
2016 was not my year, to put it simply. I was finishing high school and was preparing myself to go to university. For some reason, I wasn’t hyped up about either finishing high school or going to university. All I knew was I had to graduate and continue my education.
Back then, my class was parted into two categories: those who want to go to medical school and those who want to pursue engineering.
Although, there was one person who wanted to go to law school. I envy him now. He was so sure of himself and he wasn’t scared to be different. He was never disheartened by the not-so-good scores he kept getting for science subjects, all the offensive remarks made by the teachers were probably fly-by’s to him.
I was not like him. I knew what I wanted, but somehow it felt so out of reach for me. From years before high school, I always wanted to draw for a living. I thought being an artist was the life I should have. I wanted to bring my childhood imagination to life and make animated movies for children. But, somehow and somewhere along the way, I was convinced that I might be going to need more than that.
I don’t want to blame my surroundings, but I feel like they always play a huge part in how I live my life. I began to make reasons why I, too, should go to medical school or take up engineering. Apart from my grandfather hoping that one of his grandchildren would become a doctor, the medical field was never a part of the future I had in mind. I once dreamt of being an architect, but that was also only because it involves drawing, and I’ve let go of that dream the moment I was introduced to high-school-level physics.
So there I was not fitting in.
Fast forward to the preparation for the nationwide university entrance examination. I did it only because I had to. I did it because my sister did it. I did it because it was what was expected of me to do. I went through all those late nights prep courses. I took all the mock tests. Don’t get me wrong, I did want to go to university — it is without a doubt a luxury some of us couldn’t afford and I was the few lucky ones who could. I tried hard, mostly because I didn’t want to make my parents worry, but nonetheless, I tried.
The announcement for the nationwide test came when I was sitting in a prep course. I didn’t get it. Not even on my third option of medical school. To be honest, I saw it coming. I was not sad or anything. It was like a state of nothingness.
After that, I continued to apply to a lot of medical schools of a lot of universities. I took up their exams. I traveled to a lot of cities. I used up a lot of time, money, and energy. But I kept getting no’s.
It was already June, and the first semester usually starts in late August. I felt like I was going crazy. I kept questioning if I did something bad and if what was happening to me was some sort of bad karma. “Am I really that stupid?” and “am I really that undeserving of going to university?” were the questions that kept coming back to me, followed by “what am I going to do now?”.
I cried a lot throughout June and July. But, imagine crying for something you did not really want? Imagine crying for something that started out with a lie, ‘I really have to go to med school (like a lot of my friends)’, that you’ve been telling yourself for two years that you eventually believed that you had to go or your life will be over? that all your hard work would be for nothing?
So, with all due honesty, I have been manipulating myself. It’s as clear as day.
As July reached its end, I got myself into science. I got accepted to major in Biology. It was the very last resort for me, by all means. I truly did not know what I was going to do had I not been accepted in Biology. As I did not have any other choice, I said yes to that. I tried to be positive and told myself “maybe this is where your first stepping stone lays”.
The moral of the story is: be kind to yourself. Listen to yourself. You know what you want and need. Questioning yourself is good, and sometimes it is needed. It is also okay to ask for help from anyone you think can help you. You shouldn’t ignore yourself.